Snapshots of my life

BACK, now give me job?

2009-05-30T16:17:00.001-07:00

I have lots of odd/lame observations about Hawaii that I will keep to myself for now. Instead I'll just say it was a very relaxing trip and I only managed to get ripped off once (on the rental car). I was also eaten alive by bugs on my last day -- 19 bites at my last count. Some of them are not that bad but about 6 of them are really itchy and keep getting BIGGER! AHH!!

I would never live on Oahu (there are just so many things that I don't agree with there: the weather, the bugs, the distance, the tourists from both America and Japan, the fact that the schools are all next to the freeway, the UGLY road system and their just as ugly proposed rail system, the shit pay that most of the islanders get, even the fact that it's a "crossroads" of cultures has lost its appeal, etc etc) but it did the trick in terms of being pretty (most of the time) and letting me relax. Studio only feels like a distant, unpleasant dream now.

I am also GRADUATED FORREALS since I passed my last class -- got an A-, actually! So I keep my "graduated with honors" status! Not that it matters to anyone besides grad schools...

Anyways...now I need to find a job. Anyone know of anyone looking to hire a girl with a BA from Berkeley who is interested in city/regional planning, community building/organizing, digital design, or event planning? I'll design your business cards if you want....haha. I realized this morning that I have no clue how to go about looking for a job when my contacts don't pull through for me. When's that Alexis Bledel movie coming out? Cause I feel like I'm living it. Ahh!

Finally, A Vacation

2009-05-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for Hawaii today -- be there till Thursday night! woo! I still haven't packed yet though...oops. I gotta leave for the airport in an hour, unless someone wants to drive me!! Why am I behind on everything? 1. I slept in. 2. I decided I HAD to find Norwegian Recycling music and download lots of it =D

Anyways, I am ready for a vacation from all the stress in my life...

Alohaaaaa!

I'm Pretty Much A Rock Star.

2009-05-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

B+ in my last studio, bitches!!

I don't know anyone who's ever gotten an A (A- yes, but A? no.) in that class and I didn't even finish the end of my model so I knew I couldn't get an A-, but I did push hard for a B+ rather than a B...and I got it! YES!!!

Sadly, in order to keep my honors status, I have to get an A= in arch 130 and we all know THAT ain't happening......sigh.

PS -- I GRADUATED YESTERDAY.
More on that later.

Finals, Finished.

2009-05-19T00:14:00.000-07:00

I finished my last EVER final at Cal this morning!!!! wooohooo!!! I of course had a beer to celebrate at Raleighs aka "Manny's Tap Room". Tonight I cooked dinner for some friends. Then I sat around all alone for the first time in days and it felt nice. Now I am wondering if I should be doing that as I won't be seeing people again after this week. Then it FINALLY started to sink in...I am done with college. Not just done with school or tests, but living with and near my best friends, done with my crazy studio times, done with Dwinelle Hall, done with seeing people all the time, done with bumping into random people....done (or at least geographically separating) with my whole entire network of college pals.

SHIT MAN. I'm not ready for this.

Of course, my initial reaction is to go to sleep and hope I wake up with enough energy to try and figure out how to make time move slower. Also, I am going bathing suit shopping tomorrow. UGGGHHHHH. My top half is fine (too big for triangle tops now =/) but...yeah all I can say is that all photos taken of me in hawaii WILL be from the chest up. That's all.

PS - my roommate, Erin, mysteriously left with our TV this afternoon. She technically owns it but this mean that I MISSED THE SEASON FINALE OF GOSSIP GIRL. This makes for SAD KATIES.

City Car Share, Your Billing System is Flawed

2009-05-17T01:39:00.000-07:00

Since day one, I've been less-than-fond of the billing system that City Car Share employes...namely, you don't know how much anything costs until you get a monthly bill for it. Perhaps I should not be cutting things close, but every so often I return a car within one minute of when my reservation ends -- and I never can tell if I'm gonna get slapped with a late return fee ($25) or not. Sometimes I try to call the reservation line (while driving, of course) to extend my reservation and I get told that there are technical errors, etc....and I really don't like having to wait till the bill comes to find out if my rental was an extra $25. If I know I got it in on time, I'm much more likely to make another reservation because I know I can afford it, so really it's in CCS's best interest to have more up-to-date information about how much I'm actually going to have to pay.

At any rate, there are apparently two buildings right next to each other that have car share cars and I've been picking up the car at the WRONG BUILDING. In retrospect this does seem kind of stupid, but I really had no idea. Otherwise, i wouldn't have done it THREE TIMES IN ONE MONTH. I also had no idea that there would be a THIRTY DOLLAR CHARGE each time I did this, until I got my bill today.

I am tempted to complain, but I really did (apparently) take the wrong car each time and usually you can't get your money back due to sheer stupidity. If my bill were displayable on a more of a real-time basis though, I would not have incurred an additional $60 in fees. Also...wouldn't you think that they would make it so you could only unlock the car that you're SUPPOSED to be using?!?!?!?!

Conclusion: I won't be using city car share for the next month or two to recoup my costs. Seeing as how I may be moving out of the bay area in July, I may not be using CCS ever again.

Honesty

2009-05-16T01:31:00.000-07:00

I've realized that I am terrible at being honest about what I'm really feeling and communicating it to people. For the most part I am okay at it but I also hold a lot back because I was pretty much raised to think twice (or four times) before opening my mouth, to consider the consequences, other people's feelings, etc. And generally that's a good idea -- people w/o filters can do a lot of damage and hurt a lot of feelings. (Case in point: Thursday night at Skates.)

However...it means I hold a lot back that should probably be said, too. Instead, I'll tell everyone but the person I should be talking to. Eventually I tell the person what needs to be said, but I apparently crave perspective and approval from other sources, and I know that if I am doing something that I don't feel comfortable telling to my close friends, then it is a bad decision and I should stop.

Lately though I seem to be doing (or not doing, as the case may be) a lot of things that I don't disclose to my confidants. Oddly enough, their disapproval isn't going to come because I'm making bad decisions...but because I'm letting someone else make bad decisions that are going to end up hurting me in the end. My rational mind knows this. But there's something that makes me forget all that...and I can't figure out if it's because I want things to work out, or if I'm just kind of giving up on my life at this particular moment. I wouldn't say I'm settling but I can hear my mother telling me I deserve so much more than limbo-land.

God, I'm screwed up. We're all screwed up. I miss the clarity in my life that comes with a singlemindedness that comes from academia. Well, as a friend once mentioned, I guess I am taking comfort in knowing I have miles and miles of shit to learn and grow still.

Helpful anti-study aid: own a DVR.

2009-05-15T14:52:00.000-07:00

I'm catching up on Grey's Anatomy on our DVR rather than study today.

Originally I thought the Hunt/Christina storyline was pretty lame but it's grown on me...in that it is incredibly tragic and compelling. Props to him for realizing that he is way too screwed up to be any good for her, even if he loves her...the last guy didn't know how to man up to that kind of shit. Well, they also had to write him off the show ASAP but that's a different story I guess. Despite the fact that I would like to consider myself to be far more capable of showing emotion, the character I usually identify best with is Christina...mostly because I'm no dark and twisty Meredith and I'm no gorgeous Izzie. Or maybe it's cause I wish I was smart and talented and had hair like hers. Or maybe it's just cause she's asian? At any rate, that really sucks for Christina to have fallen for someone who isn't able to treat her the way she should be treated...hey maybe I identify with her because that's how my life is too.

wait wait whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...I just saw the end of the season finale whoaaaaaaaaa. I just cried. I don't wanna give it away though. So I'm ending here.

Studio: The Aftermath

2009-05-14T00:13:00.000-07:00

I've got so many things to write about and process so this is going to be a very fragmented post.

I'll start with a report on Monday: I had the best studio review of my LIFE. Or at least of this semester. I got a really good conversation out of everything and all three of my perspectives generated a lot of talk. My professor said that he would actually WANT to be inside my building if he saw it on the street. My "aunt" was impressed with my stuff too and that was really exciting since I have never allowed her to see my work for fear of her realizing that I am a fraud. Because in the world of architecture, I often feel like I'm just a fraud trying to get by in an environment that I (still) don't know much about. Sigh.

So that was all fine and dandy and I was loving life, feeling like I owned my world (and god what a long time it's been since that's happened) when in the middle of a review I get a call from the Japantown Task Force to inform me that apparently the funding for my job HASN'T come through and so I now no longer have a job. Three weeks before I am supposed tos tart the damn position and they tell me this. I am in disbelief and shock still. And I am very mad for so many reasons -- a major one being that a lot of the jobs and internships that I was looking at had their deadlines 2-3 weeks ago. NOW WHAT THE EFF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???

More importantly, not having a job turns the whole rest of my life UPSIDE DOWN. Am I going to have to move home? I really hope not -- because going back to Nipomo is almost more than I think I can handle. I get wanting to save money, etc -- but how am I supposed to job hunt in Nipas? THere's NOTHING there. I don't even have a car. And then there is my dream of living in San Francisco. Also, I'm not ready to leave berkeley yet -- so SF was going to be a good transition space for me. And then there is the whole other question of what is going to happen with my personal life.

Ah the personal life...yeah...I don't know what is up with that right now. But if I have to move home then it's all kind of a moot point I guess. The bitter side of me would like to blame things ending on having been fired before I even started this job, but the rational side knows better...

Anyways, all this SHIT has been swimming around in my head.

And then there's the fact that I havent done the rest of my work.

And then there's the fact that I won't see my studio-mates ever again all together. As I was riding BART back from our dinner that we had with our professor in SF, I pondered this and I pondered what wonderfully amazing mess would become of all of us. I could see people becoming professors, famously amazing architects, designers of other sorts, organic farmers, clothing designers, etc etc. Even those of us that go on to a decade or so of mediocrity in architecture would be accomplishing something. Our studio was the most diverse and creative group of people I've ever had the priveledge of working with, and I am so sad that I will no longer be sharing my nights with them. Will I miss all the work involved? Not a ton...but unlike past studios, I don't get to go back to hanging out with my non-studio friends..no...i get to move onto what should be something bigger and better, but currently seems to only be bigger. And scarier.

Tonight's studio reflection was obviously compounded by the memorable-but-not-quite-epic studio party that we had last night. It was a MUCH NEEDED night to let out all of the stress and frustration of the semester. Don't worry, we (mostly) kept it classy...if you don't include the fact that the cops showed up ahaha. In all seriousness, it was really nice to go out and have fun and DANCE and get a little tipsy (but not out of control) and flirt a little bit and not be with "the boy" as Daniella calls him.

I don't think I've blogged about that character too much since I try not to blog about other people. However, I also find writing is an effective way to work out what's going on in my head and in my life. In a nutshell, I'm obviously confused and so is the other party so things just aren't going well. Pretending things aren't awkward gets me nowhere but lately I've been to exhausted to really bring anything up. I don't know why I always let myself give away the upper hand and leave everything up to the guy. This has rarely worked out well for me in the end -- it just leaves me disappointed and hurt or, conversely, frustrated and angry to the point where I just don't want to have anything to do with it. A sense of having been wronged is growing within me -- or rather, I'm realizing that I am not being treated fairly. I have yet to say anything about it though, because my father says that I need to lower my standards for people. I don't think I demand the world though...just because I want the moon and the stars doesn't mean I think I'll actually get it, either.

Oh gosh this has just degenerated into several cryptic thoughts strung together. I think I'll write the rest of this one out by myself.

Oh man here's a random and terrifying thought I just had: It's a known fact that less than half of berkeley architecture undergrads actually go on to be architects. It's also a known fact that surviving studio and the architecture profession (even as an upper middle-class white protestant male) is no easy task. Many of my friends have given up on the idea of becoming an architect. The scary thing I have to ask is this: are all occupations/professions/pursuits as difficult as architecture? We always get mad props for being absolutely insane and stying up all the time at Cal, but I think that becoming an architect is easier than going through med school and various other professional degrees...but now that I think about it some more...I really am not so sure if architecture is a harder thing to pursue than any other occupation. This scares the shit out of me on many levels, the first being that maybe this means I am just lazy.

Sigh. Okay. I'm going to watch some TV for the first time in a while and neglect school for another day.

Nerdy Architectural Thought of the Hour

2009-05-11T03:53:00.000-07:00

I think I know why Rem Koolhaas' book was entitled DELIRIOUS NEW YORK.

Clearly, he never got any sleep due to architecture, and thus he expereinced much of it while in a delirious state. DUH.

The fact that I thought this was not silly was enough to make me post it. On second thought though...I think I am the delirious one at this point in time.

How is it 4am?

2.5 hours to finish model so i can shower??

Its times like these that I want to say FML.

Oh Studio.....

2009-05-10T18:55:00.000-07:00

I am 14 hours from being DONE WITH STUDIO. WOOOO! We are discussing our past studios a bit as we frantically try to get shit done.

"She left us up shit creek without a paddle" - D re: his 11b GSI.

It makes me seriously question the education we've gotten.

In other news... I AM GOING TO HAWAII AT THE END OF MAY!!!! I pretty much cried when I found out that I am actually going. It was a very good surprise considering the weekend I am having. Wanna come? Book a ticket and I'll see you thereeeeeee

14 HOURS TO FREEEDOMMMMM

So this is life....

2009-05-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

I feel like a lot of the "big" moments in my life have been sort of surreal. Prom, graduation week, graduation speech, that last summer at home....it all felt surreal. Perhaps it is because these are no ordinary moments that they felt so un-ordinary? At any rate NSU banquet was no different.

Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, the fact that I had my glasses off, or everyone all dressed up, but everything felt odd. Not awkward..just odd. I basically got kicked out of the senior table by some sophomores and I was so mad at one of my friends that I ended up sitting next to a bunch of first and second years. In my effort not to have an awkward time with one friend, I spent little time with him and found myself talking up all the young folk. Brian's slideshow made me cry and then I got really sad for the rest of the night. Afterwards I had to go to studio and everyone mistook my face of devastation for studio panic...which I honestly should really start worrying more about. I was too tired to work and slept on the floor for quite some time. Ahh.

Now I need to workworkwork and I need food too =/

Can't Get Enough of You

2009-05-06T01:16:00.000-07:00

I want to spend all my time with you....for you to be the last thing I see at night and the first thing I wake up to...hold me, keep me warm and safe, and support me when I need it. But alas life has conspired against us and it's taking every ounce of my will power to keep myself from running back to you, damn all the consequences. I keep telling myself that soon we can be reuinted and I won't ever have to leave your presence if I don't want to...but that day seems ages away.

I am, of course, talking to my bed.

Yes, I have gone that crazy. FIVE DAYS UNTIL FINAL REVIEW -- meaning six days until sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep glorious sleeeeeeeeep. I don't think I can sustain 3-4 hrs/night of sleeping. So I guess I need to be more productive w/my time. It's so hard though!! Today I miraculously woke up at 7:30 and MADE IT TO CLASS for the first time in ages, so I am hoping that this is the beginning of a streak of good fortune/unusual willpower/"second wind". Or, today was a teaser and everything will go horribly wrong as usual. We shall see.

EDIT:
I fell asleep 45 minutes after I wrote this..and woke at 7:45. SHIIIIIIIIIIT. On the plus side, I made it to class.

Exclusion by Default

2009-05-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

I never really noticed because I haven't attended many events in the Pilipino community until lately...but the Vietnamese community and Pilipino community events always seem to happen at the same time.

I'm feeling torn between supporting a community that I've casually supported for the last three years due to long-standing friendships (SEA/Viet) and supporting a community that has more parallels to the JA community in terms of the struggle for space and immigration histories (in terms of timeline), and that a (newer) close friend is heavily involved in.

I feel like both communities have a lot to share and I have a lot to learn from both of them; both are filled with dedicated, strong personalities, though in their own separate ways.

Sigh.

I hate picking and choosing when I don't know where my priorities should lie.

Reflections

2009-05-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

Our interns have to turn in a final reflections essay for the field studies class, so I looked my essay from two years ago up just to see how long the paper was. I read it, and was surprised to see how even though I've had so many life-changing experiences in the last two years, a lot of what I am doing now were encompassed in my hopes and goals that I discussed in the paper.

ES 97

11 May 2007

Final Reflections Paper

This semester when we were given our intern binders, I wrote that I wanted two things out of the intern program: a voice, and confidence in my leadership abilities. My goals were to feel like my opinion is valid enough to stand up for, and to plan an event. Over the course of this semester, I think I have achieved all of these things and then some.

The first event I started to plan was the independent project for the subcommittees, which ended up to be the karaoke social. However, the first “event” that I had a hand in that was executed was core elections, which I assisted Chris in facilitating. In addition to learning basic technical things about running elections (or any meeting), I got to understand what each of the positions required, and it was incredibly rewarding to know that I helped bring everyone together for elections. Election night was an exciting time because we all got to sit down and determine the future direction of NSU. Organizing something that is so important for NSU was a first for me, and at the beginning of the semester I didn’t think I would be doing something like that. In the process I learned how much I really care about NSU. Even though I will not be around next spring and am thus ineligible to run for core, I had a surprising amount of concern for what happens next year, and it has carried over into everything else I am asked or volunteer to do with NSU and the JA community.

Looking back, the trend in my progress seems to be tied a lot to confidence. I had all the things I needed to be a leader, but the confidence required to realize my potential was not there. However, after the biweekly meetings and workshops, I began to see that the things I wanted to do were not so difficult as long as I didn’t drop the ball and kept at it. An example of this is the workshop we did at the intern retreat about sending e-mails. Before this I was definitely a culprit sending rambling, off-topic e-mails that oftentimes lacked cohesion. Once I realized that there are certain things one should and should not include into e-mails, I still had trouble with them: it would take me upwards of forty-five minutes to get an e-mail to say what I wanted it to say while keeping it professional. After some time I realized that the reason why I had such a hard time getting things down to their bare bones was because I didn’t feel comfortable just asking people for something or telling them what I needed of them. Instead of being direct, I was always skirting around the subject and hinting at what I wanted. Naturally, it would take me a long time to get to my point, and oftentimes did not yield the responses I was looking for. By the end of the semester, however, I became assertive enough to be able to do this, and now writing e-mails is no longer a problem for me. Just last night I sent out a mass e-mail to people to announce an event and ask for people to RSVP, and it only took me ten minutes to write. E-mails may seem trivial, but this is a reflection of the greater change that I’ve gone through as a result of the intern program.
Working with all of the other interns and the core members has exposed me to numerous aspects of leadership development, and it has definitely changed my perceptions about who is and isn’t a leader. I didn’t expect some of the interns to have any desire to take on a leadership role, but many of them surprised me, and I did find that there are varying styles of leadership. The biggest illustration of this for me was during our subcommittee project when Eulanca and I worked together: while we are both driven toward the same goal and cared about the event equally, the details we would get caught up on differed. Sometimes it seemed like we were miscommunicating because she would ask me about a snag I felt like I had just fixed, but eventually I came to understand that we just had different methods of dealing with the same problems. I really enjoyed putting on the karaoke event, and felt a good deal of satisfaction when everyone enjoyed themselves, because that is the main point of a social event. At the beginning of the semester I was very hesitant to put on an event for NSU, but with the help of the rest of my subcommittee, it turned out to be a pleasant experience, and it was a lot less daunting than I had originally anticipated.

Within the Japanese-American community, my ideas of who is a leader has been turned around. Many of the leaders we met with seemed to be unlikely leaders – for instance, many Japantown leaders did not grow up in Japantown – and it showed me that in order to be a leader within the Japanese-American community, you just have to step up and demand your spot within the community. While the Japanese-American community at Cal has an open-door policy, you still have to walk through the door. If you have the desire, enthusiasm, and energy, then you can find your spot.

Throughout the course of the semester I was also made much more aware of the scope of the local Japanese-American community in relation to the greater community. Many people talk about the fact that Japantown in San Francisco could very easily die (and I don’t necessarily disagree with that), but if you look at the community I came from, San Francisco’s community is so much stronger and healthier. The issue facing the community in San Luis Obispo county is a lack of youth leadership – much more so than in the Bay Area – due partly to the fact that nobody is encouraging this, and partly because people my age move away to grow up and get an education (myself included) and then oftentimes don’t make it back home. So on one hand this has been an amazing opportunity for me to see what my hometown community could be like – busy and serving the needs of the people in it – and on the other hand I know what it would be like if Japantown were to cease exist. As a City Planning minor, I would really love to become a link between the Japanese-American community and larger planning entities such as the City or the State, because it allows me to do apply what I am learning to do in school to a community that I really care about.

The JA community does not exist in a vacuum, and it must interact with government entities, physical neighbors, and other ethnic communities as well. My involvement with the API community, specifically with the Asian Pacific American Coalition, has illustrated for me the issues that make the JA community different and similar to other communities. I think my involvement with APAC has also forced me to step up as leader because people from other organizations see me as a representative of NSU and the JA community, so I had to start acting like it. Though I was initially intimidated at the AAPI Leadership Summit in January, I’m really glad I have become involved with APAC because so many of the people have inspired me with their energy and drive, and they are willing to help us out and come together in times of need.

Along the same lines, one of the biggest take-aways I’ve gotten out of this experience goes along with what Kristy said during the first J-town site visit about showing up and being at the right place in the right time. Many of the things that we get to do as an organization happens simply because we show up. Among the APAC community, NSU is getting a reputation for always representing itself, which is a reflection of this. For example, many of us came out to the ASUC Finance Committee meeting to petition to get more money from the ASUC; I stayed until past 2:00am, and Colleen and a few others stayed until they got around to deciding about us at 6:00am – on a Tuesday morning. Because we showed up and showed that we cared and were dedicated, we were allotted more than twice the amount of money we were originally budgeted. This is just one example of the type of commitment that leaders within our community have. It’s not necessarily difficult to do this, but a tremendous amount of passion is required to have the dedication to consistently be there.

Going one step beyond this, it is more than showing up. It is having the abilities to see the opportunities that are around you and taking the opportunities. Sometimes it is not so easy to see these opportunities – that’s the hard part. Once you’ve found them, you have to go after them. You can’t just sit there and say you want a chance – you have to go after it and take it. I think that when I said I wanted to develop my own voice, I didn’t mean that I wanted to learn how to sit around and talk about things. I mean, that is the first step and it is nice and all, but what I really wanted to do was to take all of my “I want to do’s” and make them into “I am doing’s”. In many small ways, I am doing that through e-mails, or speaking up in another course I am taking about communities, or taking a critical look at who I voted for during APAC elections. The intern program has been a catalyst for this, but I am by no means a fully developed leader, and I think I am still finding my place within the JA community. However, I am well on my way to getting where I know I can be, and the skills and connections I’ve gained through this course has set me up to be a success rather than a failure.

Some comments:

I've got no problem sending out direct emails now.
Am I one of those unlikely leaders now?
I can't believe I am getting to work in the field of planning AND with my community when I graduate. I never thought I'd get to do that right out of school, let alone get paid for it.
I keep saying it and hoping people will listen, JUST SHOW UP. I didn't do this today though. What I have learned since 2007 is that if you don't always show up, you have to find it in you to take charge of the situation. "what can I do to fix this?" and "what can I do in the future?" have got to be asked -- right now.
I can only hope that this year's interns are as empowered as I was at the end of the term.

Lines

2009-05-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I got the "just friends" talk.

It made me realize how much I have grown -- my semester in Italy, and my return to California, are probably the reasons for that. I learned that I am fully capable at being a successful individual, but also that I really want to be able to share all that with someone. The little things I see, like the way the sunlight hits the buildings at 5 on a fall day and the things that I laugh at but nobody else thinks are funny, the hopes I have for myself, the crazy ideas I have -- I want to be able to tell someone all of it and have them appreciate (perhaps even love) me for it. And I want to go on that great adventure that is a relationship, and learn all the millions of little things that make someone else tick. I want that person be the first one I call when something exciting happens and I want that person to be the one who helps me get through the tough times.

Now I fully believe that friends are there in the good times and the hard times I know I wouldn't have gotten through this semester without them. But there are some things that, for whatever reason, I am not going to share with my friends and that my friends are not going to do for me. I am realizing that I want -- and deserve -- something more.

Which brings me to the question of what the difference between friends and dating is, where that line is, and when do you decide to cross it? If you date a close friend, then what more are you getting besides sex? And then isn't your relationship based on the physical rather than the emotional? I think my roommate is right, it's a process and not something that suddenly happens. But then I think that certain things can happen that instantly change the dynamics of everything...

Maybe I am just delusional and there never will be that guy who surprises me with flowers in studio or takes me off on some day trip spontaneously or rushes to get to me when he finds out I am upset...maybe trying to find someone that adores me and vice versa is just too much to be looking for. But I really, really hope not.

"We had a lot of fun with this."

2009-05-01T21:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight Charles Renfro of Diller Scofidio + Renfro came to campus to speak. We were expecting Liz Diller, but Renfro turned out to be amazing by himself.

His talk was about "The New Black" (ie Green) and I was amazed at how many times he said "we had a lot of fun with this". Architecture does not feel "fun" often enough for me. His proojects reflect this lightness, passion, and overall genius.

Renfro wants to realign sustaianble design with DESIRE. Leed, he says, is "like tithing" - you do it, you feel good about it, and then you forget about it. The buildings don't end up being something you lust after. He thinks (and I agree) that until you bring that desire factor to green design, the American public won't latch onto it. His projects aim to amplify rather than forsake our desires for the sake of green.

A thorougly modern man, Renfro was introduced as being "Breathakingly modern", and he often spoke not just of design or buildings, but of experience and "spectacle". Damn, I like this man.

The major currents I saw in each project were that he thinks aboutspace, experience, etc rather than materials, conventions, or the "how to". A formal language is chosen and it sets the rules -- but ultimately the spacial program and experience comes first. Again, amplifying the experience through the formal language rather than sacrificing it to conform to the language.

I came away from his lecture with this thought: I want to live in the world that Renfro has imagined through his works.

On a very different and unrelated note, I am not sure if ANY of the lecturers this semester were women. THat's why I was really looking forward to Liz Diller.

NOOOOOOO

2009-05-01T00:54:00.000-07:00

I am sick. Head aching so badly that hitting it feels good, earache, runny nose, sore throat, SICK. Not the swine flu but it is still coming at THE WORST TIME POSSIBLE IN THE SEMESTER. 10 days to final, 6 days to drawings being due.

I hear it is supposed to rain now too. Great. I want my heat wave back and the viruses gone and situations cleared up and the will to work back. This semester more than ever, small shit just keeps popping up and putting things over the edge to the point where I can't seem to keep up, let alone get ahead. I want to feel like a super star and in control of my life for more than half an hour at a time!

I just need to remember that nobody can do this but me. Nobody will draw my drawings, do my laundry, go get groceries, make sure I wake up. I know people will help me as best they can but I need to also realize that they cannot and will not do everything...I am capable and I am tired of shit coming into my life that turns everything into a series of excuses.

Things I should be prioritizing besides "studio":
-Getting some sort of tangible work done, as in not getting lost in details
-GOING TO FUCKING CLASS.
-Hydration, nutrition, hygiene
-Sitting down and WORKING.
-Not whining at friends too much or (conversely) ignoring them
-Clearing up bad situations.
-Remembering to pay my bills this month (I somehow forgot to pay 2/3 of them last month).

Socializing, NSU, graduation details, etc you are not high on the priority list even though you are much higher on my desires list...

I CAN DO THIS.

2009-04-29T15:16:00.001-07:00

Roddy told me so!

Clear Air // Panic Attack Is Coming Soon

2009-04-28T19:52:00.001-07:00

Today I went to Jtown to act like a young professional and cleared the air with my old employer. It proved once again that a) most mistakes are recoverable b) talking face to face rather than silence and avoiding and feeling guilty = always better.

Now I can breathe okay.

Guys, I am graduating and I have a JOB. How did that happen?! The insanity of how lucky I am is starting to hit me. I keep waiting for the "just kidding" phone call.

In other news, final requirements for my final review on May 11Cth were posted. Panic to happen soon:
1:20 model
1/4 scale model

DRAWINGS:
site plan
Floor Plans (4 since there are 4 floors)
Sections (3 minimum, I'll probably do 4)
Perspectives (2 interior, 1 exterior)
"vignettes" - 4 (basically more perspectives)
Diagrams (4)
Conceptual Cut drawing (elevation and section)

I don't know what m y conceptual cut is going to show.
I do not have an updated rhino model and what's worse is I really suck at rendering and perspectives.
I would be very happy if information could be easily gathered from just plans, sections, elevations and models -- I enjoy all of those -- but this isn't 11B, is it?

Days until I need to be done with drawings: 8.

PS I think I know what I want but I am too afraid to go after it. I need to start practicing the confidence that I try to inspire my friends to have...

Not Everyone Has To Save The World

2009-04-27T00:51:00.000-07:00

Alex was right.

Just go out there and try to do something you love.

If you can't do that or don't know what that is...just keep trying.

I truly believe that eventually we all get it right (or right enough).

THis would be a much more nuanced post but I have shit due in 8 hours that I haven't started.

Lost?

2009-04-25T15:59:00.001-07:00

There has been so much going on since spring break...every day is a new high and a new low it seems. I can only hope that I get through my classes with minimal damage...and I've got to stop having a social life, it seems. I'm almost done with my NSU duties and then i can hopefully breathe easier -- even though I will miss NSU a lot.

This is super vague cause there is just too much to sort out and too much that isn't clear yet...perhaps that is my problem. I may have grown up a little in college, but having a voice is still hard for me. I know that there are many ways to have a presence, but it's still difficult sometimes.

Well, here's to catching up...

Why Am I Still Up?

2009-04-17T02:37:00.000-07:00

It's 2:40am and I have to be at the rental car place by 7:30am. It wasn't until midnight that someone's comment made me realize that life has fallen apart on me this week.

Life has fallen apart so many times this semester, it doesn't even seem to phase me anymore.

All that keeps me going is knowing that I am 3 weeks to finishing studio, and (again) my amazing amazing friends. I feel badly knowing I'm continually having to ask them for favors and rely on them, but I am eternally grateful for them. There are a lot of things that are making it hard to be hopeful but I am really, really trying to remain positive. I don't have TIME to be frustrated at or disappointed with people and I need to learn that people aren't obligated to live up to the standards of excellence that I think they should.

Some more things on my to-do list:
A night with scones, tea, movies and blankets.
Re-visiting the spanish tapas bar that 'Risa and I went to in the Mission. I am CRAVING PAELLA!

Culture Shows vs Architecture Lectures

2009-04-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

PCN was this afternoon -- and Toyo Ito was this evening.

I should have trusted my instincts and skipped the Ito lecture, even though my prof would have been disappointed. He'll be more disappointed that my work didn't get done.

Despite some of the shortcomings of the dramatic development in two of the theatrical pieces, PCN was a professional show that sought to bring up issues that aren't always talked about and showcase the many wonderful talents of its participants -- all while resisting the urge to say "this is what being Pilipino is all about". Because no one (or set of) stereotype does not define a community -- and who's to say PAA is the gatekeeper of PA culture?

Orchestra!
Singing!
Spoken Word!
Comedy!
Dance of various types!

Worth every minute of it.

I fell asleep in the architecture lecture.

I am entering crippling panic mode and don't know what to do -- we are ALL panicking. I forgot that easter is tomorrow so I need to bum modeling materials off of people.

Some More Random Short-Term Goals

2009-04-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

1. PLAY DAY / PHOTO SHOOT IN SAN FRANCISCO. I might just make that the theme of the transitions retreat. All I know is I need to get inspired -- I went to SF yesterday for business and just the people on the BUS were more interesting than anything I've seen in Berkeley in the past few weeks. People in SF have STYLE.

2. ITALIAN FILM DAY. I haven't seen La Meglio Gioventu in a while. If you want to spend a day watching it with me and drinking tea, please let me know. It's a 6 hour movie, all in Italian, but it is a BEAUTIFUL story and every time I watch it I find something new about it. Plus, the men in it are HOT. I usually try to watch it without the subtitles, but if you don't speak Italian I'll gladly turn them on.

--

In other news....life's been super busy and I don't have time to write much (I've even blocked Facebook) -- but --

I got the job!!

It's with the japantown task force -- economic development, planning and preservation work, before you can ask. It's located in San Francisco so now I get to search for housing in SF!

YES!

2009-04-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

This week has been FULL of ups and downs. So many things are trying to get me down, sad, and further behind in school. I am committed to not falling behind though...until I hit about 4am that is, then I just seem to give up.

Anyways, let's focus on the positives:
Yesterday my friend Niki gave birth to Praxedis Escobar. It was a natural childbirth! For many reasons I truly admire Niki, even though I do not know her well. She is a talented artist, a vegan, and lives life on her own terms. She is going to be a great mother who gives Prax a beautiful life. Normally I am not all that baby-centric, but when I heard about her giving birth last night, I couldn't stop smiling and getting excited. At a time when I am watching my great grandfather leave this world, Prax's entrance into it served as a powerful reminder of the dualities of life and death, and the "everyday miracle" that we create when children are born.

I was able to get a lot of my anxieties/fears/frustrations out thanks to my friend Annies. I truly appreciate her lending me an ear, especially now that things are not going so great for her.

I have two appointments that I am very much looking forward to this week. One of them is actually not that important but the other one is a SECOND INTERVIEW for a real paying JOB!!!! I totally didn't think that I was still being considered for the position...so I was surprised to get a phone call asking me to come into their office and see what's going on and get all my questions answered. I am trying not to get too excited, but I can't help it. Jobs seem to be really hard to come by in this area, and this one definitely matches my professional interests. It is located in San Francisco's Japantown, which is a double-edged sword since I haven't done my best to impress people there in the past. But it is nice to think that after getting to know the community and devoting a lot of time and energy there, the community is now, in its own way, helping me out when I need it and extending yet another opportunity to me.

It's crazy how much shit can be thrown at you while at the same time so much good is happening too! Let it never be said that April is a boring month!!!

The Sky Is Crying

2009-04-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

I had no clue it was going to rain today.

I did have a clue about how my great grandfather has been doing but I just found out that right now he is en route from the hospital to his home. In an ambulance. I can't help but wonder if the next time he leaves his home, it will be in something that doesn't have sirens and lights...which is what makes the other things I did today bittersweet: I bought my graduation announcements, my cap and gown, and my honors cords.

Like many students, my collegiate accomplishments were aided greatly by the love and support of my family, and I always thought my g-grandpa would be there when I graduated. (more about what I hoped he would see out of me to come at a later time -- I don't want to start crying in studio.) Graduation is a time of excitement and celebration, but there are a lot of unhappy things going on at the same time...so at 11:30 I was feeling accomplished and excited and I really wanted to share that with someone, but couldn't because everyone is in class...and when I called my mom...it vanished. Now everyone wants to know why I look like a truck hit me.

I'm struggling to find the motivation to do any school work right now, and I already fucked that part of my life up enough in the past week...I want a hug from my mom and some tea and a blanket.

Shit, I haven't even begun to sort through the other possible mess/possible yay that's in my life.

When did that happen?

2009-04-07T02:56:00.000-07:00

I read my posts for the last year and came to some interesting conclusions.

1. I don't write this for an audience or have any photos on here. Is that bad? I don't know.

2. Last semester seemed so great and easy (in my memory) but re-reading I realize that it was difficult for some vast and nebulous reasons. I totally went MIA over break and now I know why -- the pattern, the hopelessness, and the burnout are easy to spot in the fall posts.

3. Any style that I once had has disappeared this semester. ALl my posts from studio are just boring recounts of the drudgery I'm going through. I think I literally turned off parts of my brain when I shut out all the miscellaneous things that weren't studio related. I don't write poetry anymore and I don't have my witty sarcasm. Maybe I really should start "don't build this" and work on that last part. All I know is I am capable of writing some pretty "good" things and none of them happened in 2009. I would like to think that 2009 in general isn't just a shitty year though.

4. I am back on an irregular body rhythm. Sleep at 5 wake at 2pm. It's just like Italy last year! Except, I won't have the same wake-up call that throws me back onto normal civilized time again. Maybe I will just have to make it happen. Sound cryptic? You have no idea.

Which leads me to mentioning that maybe the reason why I haven't posted anything decent this year is because I am keeping too much inside. For instance....stuff that happened on Friday and Saturday are weighing heavily on my mind: what do I do? Do I start something or wait for everything else to start for me? And who can I go to for advice??? It's killing me not being able to really dissect this with others, but I can't decide if I should tell anyone or not. The keepers of my secrets don't seem so trustworthy any more. I think I know what I want but I am struggling to pass my courses so I don't know if I have time for anything else. It's times like these that I wish I wasn't so distant from my sister or closed-off from my mother on these topics.

Crap, I only know one way to deal with things that I can't stop thinking about and it involves talking it over. There are no sympathetic ears at 3am though.

Daydreaming

2009-04-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

Part of me wishes I could go back to just being obsessed with How I Met Your Mother. It's a lot easier to be addicted to a world that's laid out for you, always there when you need a laugh or a break. Real life is not that way and the things on my mind are severely distracting me from getting my work done. Normally I would just DO SOMETHING about it but school NEEDS to come first.

I think I need to read THE PROCASTINATOR'S HANDBOOK by Rita Emmit again. Except, Rita doesn't have any advice for all the things that are on my mind.

On a much sadder note, I am not sure how much longer my great-grandfather is going to last in this world. He's in the hospital again; my mom is there with him. I haven't seen him since Christmas.

Random thoughts...

2009-04-05T01:48:00.000-07:00

I keep saying I should start a blog called DON'T BUILD THIS and talk about all the random truths and isms we learn at 4am in studio. It'll be really great!

From the outside looking in, do I seem "artsy" on the basis of my major? My self-image doesn't quite line up with that, but then I look around my room and I think maybe I am, but in a superficial way. Case in point: I love taking photos but know nothing about technical photography stuff. It's always been on my "to do when I have time/money" list. More importantly...do I like being associated with all the connotations of an arch major? It's a little late to wonder this, I guess.

I went to the CSA culture show tonight. It's not big and flashy like PCN/VSA but it gave me a lot to think about, and I'm glad that they went to all the effort to have the show. CSA has a tough job -- what does it mean to be "Chinese American"? I couldn't tell you the answer but I imagine that it's pretty difficult to figure out and then present in one show, because China has so many sub-cultures, ethnicities, dialects, etc. There are some generalizations in terms of immigration patterns, but even so...much more than Japanese Americans or Vietnamese Americans, I can't imagine how you'd be able to quintessential-ize the Chinese American experience. But rather than say that Chinese/Chinese Americans are TOO different or are TOO similar, the members of CSA decided to tell a story that was representative of what they saw fit to tell. Rather than fit into all of the stereotypes of the med/law school-focused students, these folks put in the hours and effort to do this showcase, which speaks volumes to the types of diversity and tensions that exist within Chinese American culture.

I laughed when the main character was super cheap with his girlfriend, because I've had friends that were the same way, and I never could really totally understand it.

I wish studio was freakin done -- this time because well, dammit, it's April and that means culture show season and I want to see them all and have dinner with everyone I know all the time and hang out and savor every last moment as a student. Instead I either need to get way more organized (ie drag myself out of bed, stop watching hulu, etc) or become a complete social recluse.

I thought rendering was gonna be cool but it's not. It takes fucking forever and I'm scared it's going to crash my computer....

Travel Bug

2009-04-01T03:08:00.000-07:00

My desires to travel and see new things has grown in intensity again! I am seriously considering going on a trip somehwere right after graduation (or right after my lease runs out) and putting it all on my credit card and paying it off.....later. I mean I have no money but I am also pretty unattached so it's the perfect time to travel. I think it will, among other things, help me do some soul searching to figure out what I want to do -- because right now I think I want to go into something that's pretty non-traditional (as in, no arch firm, etc -- some sort of a startup instead).

I have been reading all these stories of people in massive debt over things like clothes and shit and so every time I go to buy something I ask myself "would I think it was worth it if I couldn't pay my bills because i bought this?". Usually, it seems frivolous, although Barney Stinson may say otherwise. The only thing I will spend money on w/o thinking is food right now. But a trip...that might be worth it?

Tops of my list:
NYC
Japan
Peru
Brazil
London
Spain
Hong Kong
Mumbai
Paris

So please weigh in: frivolous or worth it?

At "Home" Once Again

2009-03-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

It took me all weekend to find a space where I feel like I can work productively....but I finally have my desk set up just right. Tall desk in studio, check. Good light, check. Water, check. Caffeine, check. Goldfishes (albeit stale), check. Sun is down, check. I'm also kind of perching on this stupid studio chair (I know...) and hoping my back won't give out on me tonight.

I've got my tunes on too (Jack's Mannequin station on Pandora) -- btw I just discovered this artist called OWL CITY...their album cover looks SUPER cheap (done in photoshop in about 5 minutes) but I can see how it sells with the high school crowd.

I think I'm done wishing I didn't have to leave home and my do-only-what-I-want lifstyle...for tonight anyways.

Navigating the World

2009-03-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

Below is what I had to turn in for one of my classes on Design Theory and Criticism. It's abour 3x too long for what the prof wanted, but 3x too short for what I could have said. At any rate, go out and read Koolhaas' "Architecture and Globalization" and think about it in terms of the current situation. I think this has gotten as close as I can get to expressing why, on one hand, graduating in 2009 is filled with opportunity and more possibilities than ever before, but on the other, figuring out how to naviagte the world as a "global citizen" seems impossible at times.

Architecture is “being subjected to movements going in absolutely opposite directions: one direction is globalization and the other is…a kind of regionalization. I think it is a wrenching movement, a tension and a torsion between an expansion of perspective on one hand, and an implosion of perspective, on the other hand.” – Rem Koolhaas, “Architecture and Globalization”

Koolhaas hits on a current that seems to run through the discourse in many circles. We seem to live in an increasingly globalized society, as Thomas Friedman’s _The World Is Flat_ and Robert Reich’s _Supercapitalism_, amongst many others, will attest to. At the same time, all over the globe, a renewed interest in all things local has popped up. In Italy, wines and foods are considered more “pure” if they are produced by traditional means and in the same regions that they originated from; locally-grown organic foods and the Slow Food movement have gained popularity in many parts of the industrialized world; and in America, cultural preservation, in the form of interest in ethnic foods, customs, and practices, is particularly important.

Translating this into architectural discourse, postmodernism has produced an attraction toward “regionalist” or “vernacular” architecture in order to give spaces context, but it is also happening at a time when location is becoming increasingly unimportant. Being in San Francisco versus being in Shanghai is not so important as much as being able to communicate and move goods/ideas/resources between these places is. But while the Global North becomes increasingly connected, the gap between the “First” and “Third” worlds seems to be as wide as ever, with billions of people living in poverty. Geographical distance is not so much what defines these distances as do income and consumption power – Tijuana, by many standards, is a Third world city, but San Diego is one of the most rapidly growing areas of California; even within the same city both of these extremes exist (as they do in the critically acclaimed film “Slumdog Millionaire”).

It is no wonder then that Koolhaas was shocked to realize that he had artificially divided the world into areas of architectural possibility and impossibility, because in many instances there seem to be irreconcilable differences between the dialectics of today’s world. However, the ability for Manhattan-esque forms to be built all over the world exists in opposition to these divisions. These differences are reminiscent of Lefebvre’s conception of the “everyday” and its tension between oppressive monotony and the potential for change and revolution within the same framework. The “gulf” between what Koolhaas was teaching and what his students were experiencing, and between the “real Japan” and the “true ambitions of Japanese culture” are further evidence of this tension, which I think is what Sklair is trying to talk about when he says that there are real implications in terms of experience for the “global spaces” that are location-independent. It’s difficult to say that location can be completely taken out of the equation when trying to understand the built environment, because local influences such as politics, economics, and cultural practices do create different experiences and meanings, even if the same shopping mall is built in Singapore and in Texas.

Spring Break

2009-03-28T14:05:00.001-07:00

It's almost over!

I don't want to go back to school though.

I had a good time at home though. California is beautiful and I love my room at home. I also love just hanging out in my apartment...watching NPH...and eating tasty food. I'm sooooo dragging my feet with getting back to my school work. I have 6 weeks till I'm done with studio, and a few days after that, graduation. So much will change between now and then and as always my heart is torn between getting through this as fast as possible and savoring all the "lasts" and good moments.

Anyways, there were no exotic cruises, trips to europe, or traipsing around NYC like I wanted, but that's okay...it was still a very much-needed break.

Money Honey

2009-03-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

I get the impression that my father doesn't think I am going to make enough $$ when I graduate (or rather that I'll be underpaid). "Nonprofit" is almost a taboo word. Well I hate to break it to you daddy, but that's all your doing. You raised me with an amazing sense of community and family, an appreciation for the landscape, the value of hard work without pay, and being selfless. I make do with what I have, and when I need more I find a way to make it happen, but normally I realize that it is not really the material things in life that matter.

One of my classmates seems to have complete opposite values from me. She'd rather take a job she hates as long as it pays a ton (and by a "ton" i mean almost the equivalent of what my family brings in each year, but for a single-person household), so she can have time off to do something extravagant. While I want to travel the world too, I spend MORE of my time working and I want to do something that MEANS something to me. And I don't need to jet off all the time because I have family and friends to be with. [This is perhaps why my lack of a love life and my inability to find someone to share my life with is so disheartening for me.] I've never truly wanted for anything...and yet this person's basic living expenses for the year cost more than double what mine do. Is my life radically less privileged than hers? In most respects no. I can't say for sure because I don't have her life, but I'm willing to bet that in many respects mine is far richer.

So this is why I am kind of disgusted right now. Somewhere there is probably a seed of jealousy in me, but I was definitely surprised to find that my initial and overwhelming reaction to someone "needing" that much money to be utter ridiculous.

Education....seems to be low-priority.

2009-03-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

First, I am freaking out over job prospect(s). But more on that later. The education stuff, which makes me sad, comes from the fact that LMUSD sent out a TON of pink slips to teachers this past week and a bunch of people showed up to the board meeting to discuss it. An NHS alum sent out a message about the meeting, and this is part of what he had to say:

The fact of the matter is this, we live in a society that weighs entertainment, and military over education. If you want someone to blame, blame the community, start with yourself. When was the last time education was a on the top of your political agenda? The truth is that the congressional districts 22 and 23 have long sat silent while our teaching staff has been underpaid and under-appreciated .

APparently some people are just on witch hunts, trying to place the blame on anything they can. But this guy is right - we have sat silent too long. Education has always been at the top of my short-lived political agenda, which probably speaks to my age more than anything else, and I have long been more than a little conflicted over the state of our K-12 and higher ed system - I feel like it fails to really reach so many students, but at the same time it's under-funded. And teachesr that are not so great probably had a not-so-great education in the first place - lovelyyy cycle. But despite my reservations and frustrations, I've never really voiced it in a public/constructive manner.

More thinking to follow over spring break. Right now I need to do studio work, study for a midterm, and decide on a job...

Weekends?

2009-03-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

I miss those...

Only two weeks until I can sit in the sun on the beach and then SLEEP IN ON A WEEKEND. Without feeling guilty.

Daylight savings time robbed me of an hour of my Sunday and will make me late for everything else for the next month. The longer days, while taunting me while in studio, also remind me why I don't know if New York will ever really work out for me. I love long afternoons and warmth - visual and in terms of temperature - and need to live somewhere with short winters and short summers, because fall/spring are where it's at.

What If

2009-03-05T14:15:00.000-08:00

What if you were Muslim but wanted to join the US military? Or if there was a draft and you were Muslim and drafted in? How would you and your family feel? How would your commander feel? Your peers? How would they treat you?

I'm not really sure what sparked that particular train of thought.

I sometimes feel like shit for having the privilege to criticize our involvement in wars and the president (former and otherwise) and not really paying much attention to what is going on in all of those things when I know some of the people who are laying their lives on the line to protect us, our safety, our freedom of speech, and our ways of life. I take their efforts for granted some (most) of the time. And my soul wonders....what do they think of me?

Still working

2009-03-03T22:24:00.000-08:00

Here's something I'm continually struggling with: getting overwhelmed. I don't want to get overwhelmed so I don't read e-mails or start my work or whatever - basically I procastinate. Then I've procastinated to the point that when I do start, I've run out of time and I'm overwhelmed because I started so late.

My intentions have gotten progressively better on this front - at least I'm aware of my own tricks now - but it's something that I still need to work on.

I'm off to start my reveiw post-mortem.

Late-Night Playlist

2009-03-02T02:09:00.001-08:00

My late-night playlist on Pandora includes:

Britney Spears' last two albums
Timbaland
Lady GaGa's album
Kanye's 808s, Stronger
CALABRIA 2007 by Enur
MGMT's Oracular Spectacular album
Christina Aguilera
Katy Perry's One of the Boys album
Kylie Minogue
Rhianna
PCD

......basically super classy music that I don't have to think about but isn't too mellow that I fall asleep, either.

Togetherness

2009-02-26T18:23:00.000-08:00

I'd say I definitely do not have my shit together these days - which is ok. I'll figure it out, one day at a time. But I'd also say that's one of the reasons why I doubt I'll actually be able to date someone that I actually like (erh....date in general). Talent and passion and big dreams - those are some of the qualities I value most in a person. But getting a person who's on a trajectory for success to stick with you is hard when you're floundering around yourself.

Hmm. On further thought, I think it comes down to my inner confidence (not self-confidence in the way of "how do I carry myself" or whatever, a much more subconscious thing). I'm still not confident enough to feel like I've got it together....because on a rational level I know I am by no means a failure or even an underachieving human being. I've done a fair bit of things with my life and I've done it in a way that is respectable and virtuous...I care about things...etc. Stupid higher-ed microcosm and design school just makes me feel about two inches tall.

Wow, I just realized I am full of contradictions and paradoxes - similar to Henri Lefebvre's "everyday". Damn you Arch 130.

Sreepy

2009-02-25T02:02:00.000-08:00

I slept 16 hours yesterday, but I'm still about to fall asleep at 2am, because those 16 hours were supposed to make up for a week's worth of sleep deprivation. Ughhh. It doesn't help that everyone else is dropping like flies too. I should have gone to studio to work but I am hoping that this helps my back out.

I'm trying to prioritize my health and well-being a little bit more, but nobody at home is really able to help me with my design decisions, of which there are a million to make. Everyone always wonders why I suck at deciding what I even want to eat but I'm pretty sure it's cause I make a zillion decisions each day and I am just tired of making them. Also, it's food and I eat it all the time so it doesn't matter much what I eat - I'll get a chance to eat something differente in a few hours.

I wonder where my sketchbook is. I hope it's happy and warm and that I didn't write anything too mean about anyone in it.

PS - I started using Pandora today. Its Vista widget crashed my computer, but after turning it off I haven't had any problems. I have figured out that I like Moby's stuff from the late 90s/early 2000s a lot.

Just Do It

2009-02-24T19:36:00.001-08:00

Someone needs to follow me around all the time and say "Katiez, just f*ing do it." I try to be more efficient w/my time and I only end up wasting it; I should have just done things the "longer" way and been done with it.

But my back...it hurts SO MUCH from sitting on studio chairs. If I bend over it hurts. If i walk it hurts. If i sit on most things, it hurts. THe doctor will tell me to stop sitting so much, and on a better chair, and to exercise more. The only one of those things I can do is go buy a new chair at Ikea, I guess.

All you need is love

2009-02-22T17:10:00.000-08:00

I was looking through someone's wedding photos on facebook and they almost moved me to tears. Whenever I get married I don't want the big fairytale princess wedding or dinner at the Hilton. I want something small and filled with friends and family (which...is actually pretty big. hmm. I'll have to reconcile that.) and simplicity. Not a hoe-down at the farm though. And it will be brimming with love, rather than parade. Not just love between me and my spouse but love between all of us...

Seems pretty obvious, but after years of TLC and Style Network shows on wedding preparations, I'd begun to think that weddings were about something else altoghether. I thought I'd like to get married in some cool looking place, like a pretty beach, or Venice, or Spain, or someplace I've never been but always wanted to go. THat way I could a) travel and b) associate that place with an incredible memory. But really...if I can't have that WITH all of the people who love and support me, then it's not worth it.

Why am I even thinking about this...I need to be making a building...and I don't even have anyone to date, let alone marry. *Entering land where I remember that my mother was engaged before she graduated from college and I am graduating in 3 months...*

Secret

2009-02-20T16:26:00.000-08:00

Here's something I'm not sure I should be saying publicly:

I think I might want to be an architect after all.

This studio is the HARDEST thing I've done in college but it is also one of the most rewarding things. Perhaps I am a masochist. But I am really starting to like designing again. Whether or not I can see myself doing this as a serious career, I'm not sure yet. I still wonder...am I romanticizing the profession? Cause I definitely could be. And I can't help but wonder: if I do go into architecture, will I regret not givign planning a proper try? Part of me also says I shouldn't pursue architecture because I didn't take classes that will get me into grad school. But I hear the portfolio is the thing that really gets you in. (I don't have a good one...but...I could probably get some help with that, right?).

AHH.

This is a bad time to have an identity crisis.

Must must must focus on studio work.

Because I need to do well in this regardless of what I do.

Giada and her huge mouth is making bollito misto. mmmm. Perhaps I'll just move back to Italy and marry an Italian man and become BFF with his mamma. Except she'll hate me cause I'm not Italian, so that will probably not work well...

Chronofile

2009-02-17T14:50:00.000-08:00

My arch theory + criticism prof talked about Buckminster Fuller's chronofile today - he basically kept every piece of correspondence, reciept, pamplet, etc etc that he had for a number of years - all of the stuff he called "ephemera". It's been described as a great tool for seeing how the designer lived and his ideas, but I have to wonder: does it capture the important parts of his experience?

I got thinking about this because I have a penchant for keeping ticket stubs, maps, handouts, flyers, etc much more so than I should. Every few years I throw most of it out though, forcing myself to let all the "important" pieces stay - provided they fit into one box. It's a good way of purging before I move. But do those things really get into how I lived and what I thought? And would there be a better way of chronolizing my life??

All of the "ephemera" is, in my case, capable of being highly misleading. If I want to forget something that I did or decide that this concert I attended would not send the right message to anyone going through my box of stuff, I'll probably get rid of it. It is, as much as anything else I have, another way of selectively presenting my experiences to the world. It's the same reason why customizing my binder in high school was so important and yet so difficult - I had to acquire enough clippings and photos that showed me as having cool-but-obscure interests, good taste in tv/men/music, and most importantly, lots of close friends that adore me.

Now if I decided to keep absolutely everything like Fuller did, maybe this would be different. It could serve as a tool for SELF-analysis: now that I can see everything that the world would consider as evidence of my existence, does my inner image match my outer image? (But which would I need to change to get them to match?) As a tool for historians and others to analyze my ideas though...I still am not convinced that it would do a very good job.

What about photography? I chose snapshots as the primary way of documenting my semester abroad, taking over 3500 photos in the process. Most of them don't mean much to anyone though; to me, they are capable of bringing up memories that fade in my mind as well as finding new things that blended into the background while I was there, but are now of interest to me. I failed to document most of the PEOPLE I was with though (human subjects always make me shy) and those are the things that made up the bulk of my time there...

I think a combination of word and image is best, but I rarely take the time to combine the two and synthesize my experiences. I have great ideas for short essays and reflections while I'm walking but I rarely remember them by the time I get to a place where I can type/write/draw...I should work on this.

status updates

2009-02-16T01:25:00.000-08:00

Facebook status updates are something that sometimes just reflect what I'm up to at the moment, but usually have an inflection of my tone/mood for the day. And sometimes I spend way too much time thinking about the statement that I'm sending with it: do I want to tell one person something, or do I want to tell everyone something, or do I want everyone to know I'm telling one person something? Do I want to provoke inquiries into my life, invite some pity, and throw out a feeler to see just who is paying attention to me?

In all reality nobody really cares what I'm doing but I fancy the idea of them caring so I have to craft it in a way that makes someone care, or at least makes me feel clever. And then there are the times where I get to a place where I can't talk to any of the people I want to say things to and spend a lot of time actively censoring myself.

Katiez...

...is sorry she is selfish.

...is disappointed with what she's done with this year and sorry she's let so many people down.

...is most disappointed that people don't even realize their unmet potential.

...fought her instinct to be motherly toward her friends and won.

...is ashamed that she chose to leave. But can't handle you.

...feels like she's living in parallel realities from one day to the next.

...wishes that there was something there.

...misses life one and two years ago.

...is engaged in several acts of self-preservation.

...needs a therapist now, not on the good and boring days.

...is scared because she's lacking that fire.

...is scared because there seem to be no big prospects for her life.

...also thinks its ridiculous that she feels that way when she should really be brimming with possibilities.

...just wants to scream at you.

...knows that she's frustrated because of differences in maturity levels.

...is anxious over all the stuff she's gonna have to do if she really did lose her phone.

...hopes you read this.

Dinner Date

2009-02-03T16:02:00.000-08:00

I'll buy you dinner if you help me cut out my stuff tonight. No really. I've got a ton of cutting to do and it's really easy...just takes me a while.

On the topic of food:
1. Safeway's cheese risotto boxed stuff is DELICIOUS. I made 3 meals out of that and some asparagus and a tomato. omnomnom
2. I've pretty much given up on coffee. It just makes me extra anxious and I don't like being a part of the coffee commodities supply chain... Now tea on the other hand....or Coca Cola...that's another story.
3. My roomie made the best heart cookies last night!!

This is what I have in studio as far as food goes:
1 Fruit snacks (thanks brianz/ryan)
1 Bag organic semisweet choco chips
2 1L SmartWaters
2 cans of Campbell's chicken noodle "healthy request"
6 packets EASY MAC (ugh)
1 Bag toasted ritz: garlic & mozzerella
3 Oranges (I wish they were blood oranges tho)
various snack sized 100 calorie packs of chips and cookies
1 VitaminWater (energy)
1 VitaminWater (essential)
2 slices of bread
1 prepackaged celery/carrot/tomato combo
1 box green tea
1 nutrigrain bar
1/2 bag trail mix

It's an excessive amount of packaging but it's relatively nutritious and not susceptible to spoilage, so yay me!

Now that I've made a list that doesn't stress me out, I can begin working on my stuff again.

Beautiful Day

2009-01-31T14:05:00.000-08:00

It is a truly gorgeous day outside today! This is CRAZY weather for January but I prefer the sunshine to any other kind of weather, so I really wish I could be outside right now. Pismo must be amazing and I'm fantasizing about what I could be doing there. There is a picture up in my studio of my mom, grandmother and myself on the Rialto in Venezia. It was blazingly gorgeous that week, the first week it hadn't been raining a lot.

I wish I could be there: Venice, the coast, with my family, outside. Any of those places.

I'm a little conflicted though; the lack of rain is going to hurt the ag industry...which not only affects my family's livelihood, but so many other things and people and places. Global warming is shitty like that.

Bipolar

2009-01-29T23:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think I might be mildly bipolar. Sunday/Monday I was a huge mess over studio and life....the worst I've EVER been....but Tuesday and Today I was totally fine. I scared everyone and then scared them again by suddenly being okay again. I don't think I'm actually bipolar though...I just felt like there was no hope and no way out of my situation until I talked to a friend and realized that I just have to get through things and take it all one day at a time. Which isn't the first time I've heard it, but coming from this particular person it finally resonated with me.

Anyways, this is going to be a very difficult semester thanks to studio. I'm told that I need to not feel guilty over calling on my friends for support when I need them so I am going to try to not feel guilty about it. Even though I think I dump too much crap on some of my friends as it is.

Somehow my econ homework took me like five hours to do this week. WTF it's beginning Microeconomics!! I think my brain is wired for macro instead.........time to learn how to "think differently" even if I feel like I might be thinking stupider. Ah well I'd rather feel stupid than worthless.

And this is going up so that I remember it later....I stayed in Wurster for 21 hours Tues/Wed and was up for 30 hours before taking a 3 hour nap and then heading off to NSU's first gen. Needless to say I was so out of it at the meeting (apologies!!). I do not think that it justifies the terrible amounts of sleep that I lost, but my one model turned out to be very instructive and the professor didn't throw it into the FAIL PILE. He literally has a fail pile. Well, it's called the "Danger Zone" but we all know he means FAIL PILE. I had a productive failure.

I did not get the other two models done though. I do not consider this epic fail though because for once in a long time I really did try my best.....it's so disappointing to have pulled 2 all-nighters in the second week of studio though. I want to become one of those people who doesn't pull all-nighters!! So I guess I need to stop doing NSU, stop watching any tv or youtube or anything ever, steal someone's creative genius, become a morning person, not procastinate, and impose (and follow!) a bedtime. Basically, I have to stop being me...

Misery Loves Company

2009-01-26T02:30:00.001-08:00

Company also stops me from crying uncontrollably, which I spent too much of my evening doing.

Sighhhhh. I can't write much because I MUST FINISH ASAP...I want to go home...and I have no clue how long plotting will take me. Nonetheless...I will just say that studio is stressing me out more than necessary and I am not sure why. I do know it's not okay and once I get through this drawing I am going to seek a solution of some sort to ease all the anxiety and stress I've got. Tonight I found temporary aid in the form of amazing friends coming to help me stop freaking out. I feel bad for taking them away from their comfy apartments for a few hours, but their presence was a lifesaver so I am glad to have the friends that I do.

Ok this is too long. I can analyze why I'm reacting terribly irrationally to the events in my life during 130 lecture.

Welcome Back to Architecture School.

2009-01-23T19:12:00.001-08:00

Oh man life has been happening away from the blog. Actually, I sat around and did nothing for the break but I was too lazy to even blog about that. I got myself into a fair bit of trouble for not checking my e-mail/phone/communications during break but I think I've recovered from them.

School has begun again and I'm having a terrible time. I tried to approach studio positively but I barely even got in off of the waitlist and the professsor has really made me feel like I do not belong there. I am realizing now that 100A in the summer was an easy studio but it didn't prepare me at all for this one. Luckily, Rhino is really easy to pick up thanks to my cad skills (it even has PREDICTIVE TEXT COMMANDS how awesome is that??). Unluckily, I've gotten out of practice of designing things. So for the past two days I've been walking around on edge, feeling like my inside (or rather my confidence) is crumbling faster than this nation's infrastructure, hoping that I can build a rope ladder fast enough to get me out of the giant hole I'm in - fast enough to get out without all the rain filling it up and drowning me, since I can't really swim.

Well that was an interesting metaphor.....too bad I'm better with words than images. What I mean to say is that I am not feeling hopeful because I've let fear take over and everywhere I go I feel guilty for not working on my projects, but panicked because when I sit down to do my project I won't have any ideas. I'm coming off as really distant to most of my friends who are all...enjoying life before graduation. Which I will finally be able to do, come May 11th.

On a different note (one that contrasts w/studio so much that I feel even more conflicted) I want to take too many other classes. I've narrowed down the debate to Econ c3 (evironmental econ) vs. ED 100 ("The City"). Econ is useful but freshman-level and I don'tr eally get it. I know that I should be able to understand demand curves but they seem backwards. I can tell you the world's largest producer of rice, the second most traded commodity on Wall Street, or the implications of using food for fuel, but I can't immediately figure out economic models. Stupid, I know. ED 100 is not going to help me as much on my grad school apps, but I feel like I should take that class to become a more informed person. I learned more about modern Baghdad (we covered ancient Baghdad in 170A) in 20 minutes than I have in the past eight years. On this whole political economy stuff I think I flew before I learned how to walk with it...which is why Econ seems relatively difficult for me. Yay for no fundamentals!!

Greys Anatomy Moment

2008-12-31T17:03:00.001-08:00

"Kiss me, love me, CHOOSE ME."

sigh.

I'd never say that in real life....that would require me to like...give up any pride that I have. And since I know the answer there's no point in that. If I thought there was any real chance then I just might. Maybe I have been forced to listen to too much Abba this break - "take a chance on me"?

Sigh.

Anyways...I made the honors list. Go me! BA Architecture w/honors! I just gotta make it through studio. New years resolution: attempt to approach studio with a positive attitude. Maybe it won't suck my soul away. Maybe I won't have to stay up for a million bajillion hours on end. Maybe I will have enough confidence to aim higher than just-above-the-bottom-of-the-heap or "average" even. It can't go horribly terribly wrong, right?

So yeah, yay me. I'm graduating this year! $100k education - now what am I going to do with it??? Suggestions I've gotten so far: Fulbright (too late), internship (do they give those out to college grads anymore?), architect job. Now I know why lawyers' kids want to be lawyers. It's easy to go into something with built in connections. Half my family doesn't even live in a city (have you ever heard of Lakeport or Newcastle?) so I'm SOL on the sweet hookups.

This whole "life" thing seems a lot harder than school. Going off to college was easy - tons of people had done it and not suffered any major disaster. The same can not be said for entering the "professional" world.

You're My Remedy

2008-12-19T00:27:00.000-08:00

Finals swallowed me up and have yet to spit me out....

at any rate, this is all I have to say for tonight.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

2008-12-14T14:07:00.000-08:00

If a dream really is a whish that your heart makes...my heart has lots of wishes. I've been dreaming a LOT in the midmorning hours between 9 and 11am, which has been making it sort of impossible to get up...because my dreams are pretty happy ones.

Sigh....I think I'm ronery.

dollar bills

2008-12-12T18:51:00.000-08:00

I'd like more of them please, kthx.

I am totally broke...

I know exactly why, too.

A semester in Italy + an inability to budget my money decently this semester + an inability to say no to people.

What gets me the most frustrated is how I have to hit up people for money they owe me now, knowing full well that I've probably borrowed money from them at some point too. I don't like asking people for money...especially my parents. I know they have a million things to worry about as it is.

Sigh.

I am having terrible luck at finding a job as well...

Investment

2008-12-11T14:49:00.000-08:00

I started writing a review of my culture show experience for my AAS 122 class and I began it by saying the following:

I have been involved in four NSU culture shows, each one with varying levels of involvement. This year, however, I was both more involved and less invested in the show. More involved because, as president of NSU, one of my main functions during the fall is to support our largest event of the year but helping out the culture show chairs. Less invested because this show began last spring when I was living in Europe. I had very little say in the overall direction of the show, and this being my last show, I haven’t got the opportunity to write a skit or chair the show next year.

And then I got to thinking....less invested? Are you kidding me?! My sundays, my Monday evenings, my Thursday nights, my 3 day weekends went into culture show. I gave up on relationships for this show. My grades are suffering. When we had smaller-than-usual attendance, I took it personally. While it was great to see all of my close friends and my parents at the show, I was unhappy that we didn't sell the auditorium out.

So I'm no less invested, but something else was missing...hmm. I don't have time to dwell on that. But hey look at at this!! I kind of want one for Christmas. It'd be fun to put together...

http://shop.lego.com/Product/?p=10185

Leadership Dev

2008-12-02T23:26:00.000-08:00

I was having a conversation with a friend about targeting and training future leadership in student orgs and I made an off-handed comment about how guilt tripping and obligation are "fundamental JA values" that my predecessors taught me, when I realized...that seems high oxymoronic, considering intergenerational transferrance of leadership within the Japanese American community has a reputation of being difficult at best.

In the context of student orgs that are constantly in flux....you don't have that option. Train and sustain, or die. Those are the options. It's also the line that is used in the JA community as well, but doesn't always seem to play out in practice. As someone who's now on the older end of the college org spectrum, I'm realizing how difficult it is to do what is best. Reaching out to people you don't necessarily know that well - and then entrusting them with something you've invested close to four years in - is not easy or comfortable. Getting people to understand why something is worth caring about, when many of the experiences and issues that engaged you have changed or mutated, takes a lot of effort. You have to be willing to invest time and resources into more than one possibility...and you have to be willing to let others take over your vision. In short...it's a huge leap of faith. Can I do it? Yes....but not without some effort.

Chalk this one up to one more thing that I'm glad I got to learn while still in college.

Car

2008-11-29T12:53:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been increasingly interested in having my own car. part of me knows there is no good reason to have one in Berkeley and they are bad for our environment and our lifestyle and land uses (oh, and I can't afford one...yay insurance) but part of me still wants one.

I've got things to do right now but expect a more reasoned look at the car issue later.

Hypochondriac

2008-11-25T03:36:00.000-08:00

I'm hoping I'm not really sick because everything that google searching tells me about the weird tickle in my throat that I keep getting (the one that wakes me up because it turns into a coughing fit) says it could be related to my thyroid. Which my mom had to get removed when she was in her early 30s. Which made her weight change a lot. Which is something I do not need/want.

My roommate says it could be stress.

So I'm hoping I'm just making a bigger deal out of this than necessary, even though the doctor is always telling me to LISTEN TO MY BODY and pay attention to the cues it gives me. The opthamologist is always amazed I'm actually passing classes because I shouldn't be able to see that well; the doctor is usually amazed I haven't dropped dead of stress; the woman who checekd out my ear was surprised I wasn't having more pain in my ear.

At any rate now that I'm 21 I'm not supposed to see my "adolescent"/pediatrician doctor. What a pain in the ass. Finding a new doctor is super annoying.

On a somewhat related note, I would like a massage. Kthx bai.

drained

2008-11-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

I'm so so so incredibly.....empty. I don't care about doing my work for school, and for no reason. I don't have any crises per se (snicker - watch this week's south park if you wanna know why). I don't care about doing my work work, even though I think it should be done. I don't care about the fact that I can see myself crashing...fast. I just don't want it any more, I guess.

A lot of my drive evaporated throughout the semester, but I just keep trudging along - even when I'm not trying - because I know there is nobody there to pick up the pieces for me, or to force me to do things, or to even acknowledge that hey, things aren't going as great as they could be. Sometimes i feel alienated, even when I'm in my own apartment.

Some of the things floating around in the back of my head that don't really have anything to do with what is going on in terms of school is surrounding the big "what happens when I graduate?" plan. Because my current plan is that I don't have a plan. Kind of like the Easterly book. Except I tend to be a planner, not a searcher. Also, I fail at many basic life tasks: keeping my room clean, laundry (I'll do 2 weeks at once), feeding myself properly, exercising, etc etc etc. Getting the mail out. I always think next semester will be different and it NEVER is...now I've realized that it's because I choose to take on a lot of extra things. And while some times those extra things are what feeds my soul, I come to resent them every so often for what they deprive me of. So what if other people can keep it all together. Clearly, I am not those people.

I'm also in one of those fat-and-ugly ruts that leads me to the why-should-I-care-what-I-look-like-anyways attitudes. I haven't worn makeup in weeks. I haven't run in god knows how long. I've almost given up on mirrors...

I don't really know what it is in my life that is so horrible that it's crippling me but I do know that deep down, no matter how much I do not want to admit it, I am very, very lonely. I've got friends and they tell me things will be all right and they will be fine but at the end of the day they've got their own and I don't. The negative energy I run into really gets me down too.

So right now life is tragic for me, because there IS no tragedy. There's no "ah, that's why things suck" thing to point to. But there's no real "concrete" plan to throw all my hope into, either. And nobody's going to come shake me by the shoulders, make my bed, and get me back on the right track.

status: not at the SOCC at UCLA.

2008-11-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

It seems that..well....a LOT of people are attending the Students of Color Conference at UCLA. I am not...I have things to do...NSU is having their first ever community performance in Japantown this sunday!!!

I am, however, a tiny bit jealous.

Every time I go to UCLA it's for a conference or something where I'm surrounded (and energized) by passionate leaders. Couple that with the sunshine and car-centric culture and you've got a guaranteed exhilarating weekend. Bah, someday I'll go to grad school there and have all the smog and sunshine I want.

Until then, I'm not letting all the cool kids know I'm jealous. NSU is making history this weekend!

Eye Twitching

2008-11-20T11:18:00.001-08:00

My left eye's been twitching off and on since Monday.

The Univ. of Maryland Medical Center suggests that it may be caused by "fatigue, stress, and caffeine." Le duh......I hope this goes away soon.

Flashback

2008-11-19T23:28:00.000-08:00

So...I have been having the WORST week ever. Saturday's Mixed Student Union conference was good - interesting, and not what I expected - Saturday night was....well annoying but memorable (just gotta remember I'm not always doing things for *me*)...Sunday was just a very long day. As in, 10am to 5am. I forgot that I hadn't actually ordered the programs for (r)evolutions and I screwed up a few times (and watched my computer die a few times) and yeah. Plus, this whole weekend I was dealing with an ear infection (which I think might still be there but I finished my round of antibiotics today). Monday I woke up to NO HOT WATER and REALLY LOUD repairmen RIGHT UNDER MY BED. The boiler room is under my bedroom. I was none too happy, but I got over it. Went to Richmond, picked up my package. So far, so good - crises managed.

Monday evening after all my meetings and practices (I am REALLY excited about our latest piece), I watched Gossip Girl. It totally SUCKED, the only thing it had going for it was good eye candy. Then my laptop charger starts..um...overheating and emitting high pitched noises. I have 20 minutes left on my computer. OH CRAP. I decided to write a letter to Kim and then go to bed.

Tuesday involved me not showering because we still had cold water, but having my plans to sleep through life thwarted again. I went to classes, disgruntled and falling asleep without my shiny beacon of amusement (aka my laptop). Nobody I know has a Dell computer anymore!!! I went to Emeryville with Alex, got lost, and proofed the program. It's not 100% perfect but I am crunched for time and nothing BAD is wrong...just personal preferences. I made it back to class in time for a mildly interesting lecture on water systems (sunlight apparently kills germs!) and then went home. Talked to Dell for an hour...will be getting a new charger soon. Hopefully. I still haven't gtten an email to confirm it yet. I went upstairs to borrow a friend's charger but it didn't work. I haven't eaten since 11am. I haven't showered since Saturday afternoon. I am stressed to the max. Then my friend tells me she has a charger for me...I just gotta get across town. So I made dinner, left, picked it up, walked to my old roommates' place, and took a nice long shower. Oh god I love hot showers. They are so amazing!!

They also make me sleepy. I fell asleep without finishing reading, let alone writing. Crap crap crap.

This morning I was awakened at 8am by the toilet installer and reawakened at 9 by the welding and banging going on downstairs. RAWRRRRRRRRR I kept yelling but they couldn't hear me. I went to classes. I was not inspired. I spent 3+ hours debating if i want to join zip car or city car share (conclusion: wait till I can ask my mom..even though...she knows nothing about it). My cmputer as shut down on me four times this evening...........

anyways....
I was cleaning up my desktop (it was 3/4 full of icons and documents...kind of like my real desktop...) and I found something I wrote in Italy that I never posted because I never had reliable internet. It's interesting to look at...

=============================
Things that make my day

salt + olive oil
cappuccino + sugar
mini coopers with british flags painted on the roof
emails from friends
phone calls
my crappy taste in music
decent food
exposed piping that's actually designed instead of being thrown down as an afterthough
Exchange rates that are less than $1.5 to the Euro (sad, I know)

Things that I am learning, mostly about myself:

I am responsabile and independent
Friendship is not all about similarities...
I like to tell stories...or rather write them...and I'm not just talking about emails and dry recounts of my days.
My "eclectic" music tastes are really just a mishmash of less-than-classy artists.
I do not like mushrooms so much, unless they are the kind that come from california
A great pumpkin dish can be made in any culture
I am and always will be totally American, whether that is good or bad is up to you
Toilet seats and paper are a luxury
Half an hour on foot is a doable commute.

hot and cold

2008-11-16T10:50:00.000-08:00

I won't won't won't play the game. Holding out hope and chasing after carrots that are dangled in front of me - only for them to be politely yanked away - is not acceptable. What do you expect?? I fell all over myself once and you said oh no, not now, good bye. I don't make the same mistakes twice so if you have something to say, say it loud.

Pensavo che il positivismo senza una vera speranza fosse sufficiente. Ma speranza falsa non e` speranza, solamente una bugia. Non posso sostenermi con un gioco di possibilismo. La possibilita` di te mi sta ammazzando! Voglio i tuoi braccii attorno di me ma non posso sperare per sempre. Dunque devi fare la prima cosa. Alzati, dichiarati, o vai via. So che un po' della culpa e` mia, e sembro strana...pero hai un pezzo di me e richiedo controllo di tutte le parte di me. Cosi` non abbia paura....devo andare avanti.

Carelessly Optimistic

2008-11-14T00:22:00.001-08:00

I'll be the first to admit that lately...things have not been so great. There haven't been any major disasters or tragedies (well...Prop 8 passed...) lately but I've been too worn down and tired to care. I had a monstrous headache monday - I was literally crying at dance practice. (I had to tell myself over and over that I am a big girl and that storming away from practice was not a good example to be setting - even if the drummers WERE annoying as hell). The sun hasn't been out as much. Nothing is on time, I have so many things to research, NSU is either on the verge of imploding or great success (ah, risk- taking), I haven't seen friends in a while, etc etc etc.

I've been feeling like something is missing and I don't know what it is...and I haven't got that fire lit under me anymore. And today wasn't all that great either, looking back on it:

I got up in the AM and stepped on my glasses. Strike 1....I had to skip my first class to get them fixed. Then I went to a restaurant and got lunch and I had some issues with my tongue - at first I thought I ate something I was allergic to. I decided to ignore it and went to class where I learned about the Umayyad Empire except not really. I stuck my headphones in and my ears hurt A LOT and at that point I realized....all this ear nose throat stuff is an EAR INFECTION. So I walked my butt down to Tang and got myself checked out - they can't explain my headaches or my mouth really but my ear is definitely infected - and then I got my flu shot. $25 please! Drugs at Walgreens cost me another $20 and 40 minutes of my time, making me late for my next lecture. Which made me mad because the lecture was REALLY GOOD. He said more about energy policy than my Energy and Society professor has said ALL SEMESTER!!

JA history was pretty interesting today. We talked about redress and reparations. I did the math and my family never recieved reparations because my grandfather died of stomach cancer/suicide a couple of years before redress happened =( We also watched a thing on the JLAs - soo sad and what was sadder was half teh class had never heard about Japanese Latin Americans that were kidnapped during WWII and used as human hostages against the Japanese during the war. After the war most were deported not to South AMerican but JAPAN and didn't get the same redress/reparations as the rest of the JAs. They were treated so much worse than Japanese Americans were, too.

The other film we watched, "9066 to 9/11" drew all the parallels that I was already really conscious of. Seeing 9/11 footage, even though it wasn't the actual planes, hit me harder than I thought it would have though. It's so much more real not because it is in color but because I lived through it. It changed how my generation sees Arabic people, Muslims and Muslim-Americans, imperialism, the middle east, dictators, oil....yeah it cahnged a lot of things. It reminded me of what happened to myself on 9/11...when a classmate of mine asked me why I had bombed Pearl Harbor. I think that was one of those moments in my life that will always stick out. My friends actually laughed and didn't think much of it when I got angry about it. I don't think I ever felt more alone up until that point. I was the "other", America's "enemy" in that instant...and I was thirteen at the time. I thought I was American and nothing more. I knew about internment but at that point didn't know my family had been interned at Tule Lake. I didn't know a lot of things and I didn't have a clear sense of my identity, but that day whatever sense of identity that I had was shattered instantly. I didn't realize all of this in that instant though...all I could think was "how IGNORANT!" and get really, really angry. Angry at the kid who thought he was a smart ass for asking that question, angry at his parents who had raised his white self to hate on others, angry at my friends who didn't think there was anything wrong with the comment, angry at American History class, because it didn't teach Americans shit about any of the things it should. Now that I have a clear sense of my identity and I know a LOT more about the intricacies of JA and AA history in the US, I shouldn't care so much about that moment...but for some reason I still do.

Anyways.

Back to 2008.

Life's been going along in a haphazard manner, and all these stupid little things like getting infections keeps coming up and I just can't get ahead in anything. And I haven't been super positive. But tonight I am choosing...choosing to be optimistic...even though I don't have any really good reasons to. Because I don't have any really good reasons to be negative, not really, and negativity doesn't get you anything positive. I need positive. So. I'm going to be optimistic, even if it means setting myself up for disappointment.

I'm putting that happy record on, cleaning up all of my clutter, and hoping that someday soon I won't be going to bed early just to avoid my life.

World Class Cities

2008-11-13T01:37:00.000-08:00

I realized something amazing this weekend...I don't necessarily have to go back to Europe to feel adventurous and alive like I did across the pond. All I have to do is go to San Francisco (which, at $6.80 a pop, is exponentially cheaper).

I guess I should back up....Saturday I went to a spanish tapas bar with a friend in the Mission district. As soon as I opened the menu, memories of my amazing tapas experience with the practically-a-stranger Canadian girl I made friends with came back. The finger-food sized portions, sangria, a bread charge....yup it was a lot like my Barcelona trip. I probably made a boring dinner-date for my friend since I was halfway lost in thought (OLIVES....spritz...damn I miss those) and halfway spouting off all these facts, observations, and memories of Europe to my friend. It was good for my soul though. I've been pretty bummed as of late since I'm in the hole and the economy sucks and I haven't any job prospects at the moment, so no funds to get back to Europe.

Later that evening we went through North Beach and had dessert. It was a lot like being in Italy minus the fact that we ended up choosing one of the most touristy restaurants instead of one of the more authentic ones. The desserts were still good though and the barista dude was Italian, even if none of the servers we had were.

At any rate, the desire to make your city into a "world class city" has some bad side affects to be sure, but Saturday night I was very glad to be living so close to a world class city. San Fran has enougn diversity and enough character to give you a semi-authentic experience when you really need one (well, a semi-authentic european experience. IDK about a Japanese experience, but then again I've never been to Japan!)

Grumpy

2008-11-03T16:34:00.000-08:00

I keep screaming "this is BULLSHIT" all day. Or rather asking "WHAT?", proclaiming "LAME", and rolling my eyes. Today I am very grumpy.

The more I sit in transportation class the more I am convinced that it is a joke. Not only are the lectures boring and uninformitive, but the two instructors don't seem to communicate. It's quite often a case of "the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing". It makes me resent going to class because the instructors don't seem to care much about being decent teachers rather tahn transportation researchers. I also raised my hand for the first time like, ever, and got acknowledged and then talked over. That really made me angry because some folks get to talk about their (sometimes) stupid ideas at great length but I wasn't allowed to contribute anything. True, I used to skip class a lot and I come in late sometimes...but this week I decided to begin making a conscious effort in that class. Clearly, the majority of the class and the instructors are not though.

I also had to go to the post office to track down a birthday gift that I never recieved and after a long harrassment the postal clerk told me to call some number at SEVEN AM and talk to my local carrier. Ummmm yeah. Sure. I'll do that.

I also thought I'd take a stab at doing the reading for Arch History this week but I oepend the PDF of the reading and it is literally PHOTOGRAPHS of an article. And badly lit photos. Ones that I can kind of read at 300%. I hate PDF reading anyways because I have a difficult time seeing things on a computer, but that one just really took the cake. Bulleffingshit. My GSIs don't really make it easy for me to care about their classes sometimes.

I think I'm cranky because it is raining and my trusty boots leaked like crazy and I'm wet and the toyota repair and service center next door has a flat roof so it sheds all of its water into very concentrated parts of the sidewalk...creating a lake...and the auditory illusion of a waterfall in my ear.

Rain!

2008-11-02T00:00:00.001-07:00

I meant to write about the first rain of the season in Berkeley but I went home the same day so I didn't have time. If the first rain makes the world seem clearer to me, then midnight walks in the rain are my catharsis and cleansing.

The thing I love about rainy days are the intervals in between and after the rain. The whole world is quieter and cleaner. I feel like a hush has been cast over the world. Walking through Strawberry Creek, this was especially true. I felt like I did when I was seven, hanging out under the pine trees in a timeless wonder-world. It's probably one of the only times that I still think of the town where I was born. Everything's safe. The smell of wet earth and wet pavement and wet vegetation come together to make what I associate with the essence of natural life. [I find that if the temperature is right I can recreate this with a garden hose, but in Berkeley I don't have a yard so it doesn't ever happen...]

Tonight I left a friend's place only to find that it was raining - and not just drizzling. So I took a walk in it. Listening to the rain actually hit everything, seeing the water fall from the sky, and feeling it hit me, I continued to walk and walk...feeling both purified and lightened all at once. Maybe this is why baptism is so popular? Eventually I did get soaked and freezing so I retreated to my car and drove home. Driving in the rain during the day only feels cool because I know I could be sopping wet outside and am instead cruising down the street with the heater on, but other than that driving in the rain is somewhat terrifying. Perhaps this is because the roads in Nipomo are not very well-paved let alone well-maintained. I caught a giant puddle on Mesa that I don't remember being there, but they have fixed the spot that constantly floods on Osage so that was nice. At any rate I was glad to make it home alive because sometimes I think driving + rain is about as bad as driving + drunk.

Now I'm listening to a massive downpour from the comfort of my own room, sitting underneath my down comforter. It is perhaps the only place that, when it is raining like crazy, I feel safe, warm and dry. Not only is it well-insulated (and the heating is free), but I have a big window where I can look out on everything and doors that lock...for some reason I feel like the isolation that rain brings means we're more susceptible to the wolves and other critters out there. Yes, I know that they are all hiding in their holes too, but I still feel that way! I'm far enough from the power lines that I don't think they are going to fall on me (not that it matters because the power shuts off all the time out here), and it's the top of the hill so it won't flood. None of these things sound particularly compelling on their own, but I still feel like it's the safest place in the world when it's raining.

Impossible Dreams

2008-10-30T00:48:00.000-07:00

I had a dream this morning that left me wanting what was in it so badly that I could barely breathe when I woke up.

I had to take a shower just to loosen up my lungs and feel like a normal person again. It's very troubling that this can still happen to me...it has been a very long time since this type of thing has happened. Things continue to lurk in the shadows and burst through into my subconsciousness, and I don't know what to make of it. I want to scream "Leave me alone!" but the more I want to the more I wonder why I can't just let go of it. What's making me want this?

A part of me still thinks that the things I dream of might happen. That one day people will miraculously be kind, understanding, and willing to truly act like they care. To my (maybe) desperate core, I NEED to believe these things because it's getting to be unbearably lonely otherwise.

I hate waking up and knowing that my reality is so irreconcilable to what I've dreamt, so utterly disappointing and bitter that it's all I can do not cry. Because I know that my psyche is both telling me that I can't have it and at the same time making it feel so possible...

In my particularly stressed, sickly, and sleep-deprived state all of this has made me especially disturbed by the whole thing. I still think that most parts of life a pretty great. Just...not this part.

eep.

2008-10-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

So much stuff is going on to the people I love that I can't control.

The blanket that I've got wrapped around me isn't enough to keep that cold sinking feeling out any more...

Must. Study. Make every minute count.

Office Hours

2008-10-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

I met with one of my DCRP gsi's today to discuss a paper I'm going to write and found out something interesting about myself. (Anyone who knows the nerd in me knows I adore most of the CP gsi's I've ever had. They're doing what I want to do in 5-10 years, only right now, and they act both as constant sources of encouragement and intimidation for me.)

My paper-writing style: pick a general topic, start to explore all five thousand points, get overwhelmed (and don't really say anything), prioritize, narrow down, eventually a good paper comes out. The narrowing down is the most difficult part for me.

My post-grad life possibilities & career goals: pretty much the same. Where will I go when I graduate? Stay here? Go home? LA? San Diego? Seattle? NYC? Boston? First, I want to travel. Japan? NYC? Greece? China? Where do I want to go to school? Etc etc.

So yeah. My GSI hit me right on the mark. I have the ability and potential to do anything, but do I want to do everything? My biggest battle will be deciding what I want to do most. My track record shows that I tend to do a lot of what I liked to call "ambitious flailing": I didn't know what I wanted to do in College so i applied everywhere and when I got in almost everywhere I waited until practically the last day to decide where to go. I joined a bajillion campus groups in my first 2.5 years and ended up committing myself seriously to a couple. I happened upon Italian by accident and ended up living in Italy as a result.

But....I've turned out all right and I regret very little. I guess I'm in for a lot more gut-wrenching in the next couple of years. Maybe one day decisions will be easier to make. Maybe not. I think it'll be okay though...whether or not people will judge the hell out of me for it is a different story.

Academics

2008-10-28T14:42:00.001-07:00

Putting the past four weeks back into perspective (sleepless nights that feel like weeks, papers, neglecting friendships, exams, bad food, and the aforementioned addiction will be put aside for now):

To graduate from CED with honors you need a 3.574 GPA.

Guess who has a 3.54?

I've basically got to get ALL A- grades this semester (and Jere's class p/np), B+ in studio, A in econ, A in arch 130/140. I don't really think it is going to happen, because I have been skating on such thin ice this month. I could fudge around with things and take some stuff p/np, but at the expense of my minor. I decided that a minor was more important than a "honors" distinction.

But really a 3.5 from Cal isn't a bad GPA. [Random: The guy running for state assembly in my district got a 2.5 ag AHC before transferring to Poly. That's not scary at all. He has a long history with the AFL-CIO and other organizing stuff though so I may or may not have voted for him anyways.]

And that Arch midterm that I thought I got a C on because I studied and studied and studied and none of it was on the midterm? Well...I guess sophomores are kind of stupid (no offense, friends), because they graded it REALLY easy. Can anyone say 99?

So, is it worth the rat race, lack of sleep, etc etc? Kind of. Work does pay off. But I am basically guaranteed no honors so I don't see the point in working to death, either. My mom said that getting a C in physics kind of screwed me over, but really it could have been a higher grade in ANY class. I don't think it did. I learned some very important lessons that semester, which isn't going to show up on my transcript, but made me more able to handle the challenges of life.

So yeah. Back to studying, paper-writing, grant proposal-ing, and web-ing...

Addiction.

2008-10-28T00:26:00.001-07:00

Hello, my name is Katie, and I am a caffiene addict.

I fell asleep last night around 10pm, got up at 9am, and still had a headache. By 3pm it hat turned into a MASSIVE headache, despite 3 Advil and a litre of water. I have a midterm to study for and a paper to write and I'm not really sure how I am going to get it all done now that I wasted all of Sunday sleeping early and whatnot.

A couple of hours later, after screaming "Ahh MY HEAD HURTS" at my study buddy every couple of minutes, I had a bit of Vitamin Water (the yellow kind with caffiene in it). Miraculously, within fifteen minutes the headache was all but gone!

I got around to thinking and realized that I probably hadn't had any caffiene since Friday or Saturday. I guess my body was going into withdrawls. I feel pretty sad about being so addicted but at least I am not overdoing it and going crazy like previous semesters. I intend to spend the first week of christmas break caffiene-free (which will be quite the bitch). Unfortunatly I have studio in the spring so I doubt I'll be off of it for long. I'm told that anything you do for a month straight becomes a habit so maybe I just need to not drink caffiene AND get like no sleep for a month and then I'll be okay?

AHHHH.

I hate being a dependent.

Compartmentalization

2008-10-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about "hapa" issues lately - about a month now - and this is the collection of some of my thoughts over the past month. It's not meant to be cohesive, authoritative, or final. Due to work, cs, and school mixed-race identity keeps coming up in different parts of my life. My mother is Caucasian (her ancestors were Scottish and came to the US on the Mayflower as indentured servants) and my father is Japanese (born in Japan...but my great-grandfather was actually the first one to move to the US). In geopolitics, I tend to consider myself fully American and, more specificially a Californian.

But then I look at "American" TV and movies and textbooks and I don't see my family in it. I see half of it - in a generalized, distant form - but I don't see the other half. [1848 Commodore Perry. 1907 Gentleman's Agreement. Immigration Quotas. Anti-Alien Land Laws. Pearl Harbor. Internnment Camps. Farewell to Manzanar. Someone by the name of Korematsu. Apologies.] And then...it stops. So I spent a lot of time getting to know Japanese American history, the experience, and the community that exists today...because that is the main ethnic community that I grew up in and I wanted to know more about it, needed to know more about it, if I was going to continue identifying myself as a Japanese American.

So I'm in solidarity with the rest of the JAs who wonder where our stories are in the story that we get told of "this is America, this is what it is to be American", wonder when it will reflect what ACTUAL Americans have expereinced, wonder when things won't automatically be presented from an Angl0-Saxon canon. I see my father's family's struggles written all over the pages of books that I accumulate on JA issues: farmers, picture brides, camps, "no-no", "yes-yes", shikataganai, shhhh don't talk about that, college is the key, cancer, gambling, improved socio-economic standing, children who don't learn Japanese, basketball, mochi.

But then there's my mom's family. They lived the American dream, yea? Great-grandpa came over to California during the depression, worked in the oil fields, had his one-room house. Two kids, boys. The war came and money comes pretty good. Great-grandpa's got a steady job and they add onto the house so the kids have a room to sleep in too. Grandpa marries grandma, in Vegas, he's 20 and she's 18, not an uncommon age at the time. 4 daughters and 9 grandchildren later, they're watching their retirements go up and down with the market but they've got their house at least. What kind of issues could this family possibly have?

Alcoholism, drugs, racism, all of the hot button issues - we sweep that under the rug more than any of my Japanese American family does. Take your prozac and put on your happy face at family gatherings, don't discuss the plurality of ethnicities and cultures and religions that have found their way into this family - be tolerant, but not accepting. I don't doubt that my family loves me. But it's hard to know if they truly accept all the parts of me when I've grown up hearing anti-Jewish, Mexican, Black, Middle-Eastern, gay, and Muslim comments. White priveledge means my family can face many of the same struggles, but one side is branded as more "normal" and higher up on the socioeconomic scale.

Truth be told though....I don't know the ins and outs of that part of my family very well. Bad things have happened and good things have happened and we got through it. Hey, that sounds familiar. shikataganai. Sometimes my maternal grandparents say things that my father would never allow, but how are they supposed to know any better? I know they love me. They don't mean it. You don't understand JA culture that well but you respect it. Hey, it's cool. I won't talk about my involvement on the Nihonmachi Street Fair committee. It's just a work thing, I'm working with the kids. What petition? I'm president of a club on campus that does some cultural stuff, but it's not a big deal. I bet they'd be surprised if, whenever they get a computer, my grandparents googled my name. Yeah, that asian print looks cool, I guess. When I go visit my grandparents, it's like a parallel reality. It always has been since I was 6 and mom explained that grandma and grandpa don't like fast food or theme parks. Yes, you have to eat your grandma's cooking. Maybe not the Miracle Whip though.

It's the same thing when I'm at home too. In public school, I was "Asian". That's why you're so smart. I skipped class for no reason, ate breakfast in Spanish even though the teacher repeatedly asked me not to, and was never ever seen as needing help in science because I could get by on my "Asian priveledge": a shiny 4.2 GPA. I owned that town because I could still get As, and damn the consequences that I would reap in college. Hey look it's "your" people. Nintendo is so cool! Do you look up to Michelle Wie?

Some people, on the other hand, rarely acknowledged my JA side. I was constantly downplaying my "asian-league basketball thing", the "family stuff" we do for New Years, and grumbling about Buddhist Church because I didn't really want to explain why my family does all of those things. I wasn't Mexican, and that was good enough for some people to just accept me as "like them". I was constantly, if subconsciously, navigating between these two continuums, and it worked for me. I don't talk about J-league with my high school teammates, and I don't tell my J-league teammates that some people question my involvement and legitimacy in the community. That some of those people are WITHIN the community.

So on the very few occasions that anyone has shown interest in knowing my personal family history, know "what am I" beyond the ethnic makeup of my family, I find myself unable to give a concise or even cohesive answer. I am a complicated, detailed mosaic of experiences and beliefs and to me, each and every one of those pieces has a distinct meaning for me. But I am usually met with confusion, or at least comments like "that is complicated" - before I've even gotten halfway done. I'm not sure whether it was to make things easier for everyone else, or whether it was to make things easier for myself, but I can essentialize my story based on what situation I'm in. I'm JA or I'm white or I'm American or I'm smart or I'm the farmer's daughter or I'm your ex-girlfriend. Put all that together and - well, I see myself most clearly. But for everyone else, it's just a jumbled mess.

Clark Gable

2008-10-22T01:41:00.000-07:00

I listened to The Postal Service for the first time in a while tonight...and found myself bouncing along to one song in particular: Clark Gable. Like Death Cab they know how to make depressing things sound upbeat, until you really take the time to listen to them.

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London underground
When it struck me that I've been waiting since birth to find
A love that would look and sound like a movie so I changed
My plans and rented a camera and a van and then I called you
"I need you to pretend that we are in love again" and you agreed to

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it
The marker snapped and I yelled "quiet on the set"
And then called "action!"
And I kissed you in a style that clark gable would have admired
(I thought it classic)

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by

Anyways, it got me thinking. I haven't got a personal life, nor do I really have time for one. Most of the time I don't notice or mind, but sometimes I stop to think about it and I wonder if I just make myself busy and tell myself I don't have time because I'm incapable of having one. I don't think I'm unworthy of being loved but nonetheless I really think its extraordinarly difficult for me to find it. When my mom was my age, she had already met my father.

I put my name on the degree list for Spring 2009 today. I'm really excited about it...excited to be done with many aspects to this chapter of my life. Excited to be done with bootsy professors and 4-papers-a-week madness. Excited to escape the fresh-out-of-high-school dramas. Excited to be done with homework. But I'm also a little scared of leaving school....of leaving the opportunities I may have missed, leaving the intellectual bubble that I've got going on, leaving my best friends, leaving in general. Will I look back on college and regret not having experienced more? Or will I look back on it and regret having thrown myself into so many things?

I generally think it will be the former. But all of this has got me uncertain again...some people don't see it come out that often but I really am filled with an incredible amount of uncertainty, self-doubt and confidence issues. I've gotten pretty good at fooling myself into not acknowledging them so that I can get through life, but the more I go through this world the more I can't ignore the disconnect between what I've been trained to see and do and believe and what the cold realities of life show me.

So what the heck will life throw at me? I don't know...but until then I'll keep trudging through, trying to find that magic balance between school, social, community, family, leadership, learning, personal and public. And if all else fails, I'll drink more tea.

It's Official

2008-10-19T18:19:00.000-07:00

NSU and Culture Show has taken over my life.

Gone is the illusion that school is a priority. I really don't care about my transportation paper or the anthro midterm. But I owe it to myself to at least try rather than resign myself to epic failure, despite the incessant headaches that I've had for the past couple of weeks. I don't think it's worth it to go to the doctor and get it checked out...they always say the same thing.

Sigh.

Apologies to everyone I've neglected.

Blackjack!

2008-10-18T19:54:00.001-07:00

Thursday was my 21st birthday!!

I also had a global poverty midterm, class till 8, and an NCS meeting till 9. But all of that went fairly well and after that I had dinner with my friends..drinks at a bar..and more drinking at my apartment. I love love love my aparmies and my friends =))

Friday was good too...homemade chicken katsu, NSU's annual Fenton's Social (dude where are the power eaters at?), and then I got to hit up San Francisco with some OG friends. It feels like forever since I've been the "little one". Hell it feels like forever since I've just not been around young'ns. It's oddly comforting and liberating at the same time and made me miss the "good ol' days" a little bit...but not too much. Last night proved I can have good days any ol' day, even if they are few and far in between.

Now I'm paying dearly for two days of oblivion....4 papers to write, all-cast is tomorrow, programs, dealing with people who are mad at me, dealing with lazy people, etc etc....it kind of makes me wish I was done with school already. Kind of. I'm focused on creating more great memories with all of my friends and providing the same kind of environment for the young folks that I was lucky enough to have as a kid. Taking a day off has filled me with a delicate mix of nostalgia and hope.

At any rate, it definitely beats Vegas.

Thanks again to all of my amazing friends for the hugs and drinks and laughs!

Another Wish

2008-10-15T01:03:00.001-07:00

Walking out of 170 today...I have not been this physically tired in ages. I've been walking around in a feverish, achy daze for the past week. No amount of vitamins, soup, raisins, tea or sleep will shake it. I'd say I'm feeling a little less alive than usual, except the sore shoulders, aching back, and squeaky knees make me fully aware of just how much I can feel. So my soul can't possibly be dying just yet. Yes, my friends....it's a physical manifestation of the absolute craziness that October (always) is: mid-terms, deadlines, missing my family, social obligations, keeping tabs on everything, papers, and my (least) favorite, social planning.

So while I don't care much about physical gifts and that pretty pair of boots I saw anymore, I know that my birthday won't be exactly how I want it (the midterm gets in the way, for starters). Even a nice leisurely brunch, a walk on my beach, and time with the people that (like it or not) I care about seem a little out of reach. A day outside normal reality and inside my imagined reality is just not possible. And for that reason, and the fact that I always try and fail to be less ego-centric, I would not be devastated if my birthday just came and went this year.

But, I have concluded, a hug and a massage would be more appreciated than yet another drink this Thursday...assuming that teleportation is still out of the realm of possibilites. Because a surprise trip would be the coolest thing EVAR. You can blame this fantasy on my aunt and uncle, the latter having whisked the former away on a trip to Europe to propose to her some years ago.

Sometimes I'm just hopeless like that.

Tricks and Treating

2008-10-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

Second Gen's theme is halloween-ish, and it's tonight. I sort of got tricked into helping out with a bunch of stuff for it...which only annoys me because I was invited over to do my reading rather than this stuff. In my infinite nice-ness (or rather my neurotic need to make sure people are decently-fed) I'm contributing dinner to the cause which I was duped into helping in the first place. Ironic, no?

I don't know why I'm complaining. I am supposed to help out with things. I normally don't mind. But last-minute-ness is like the #2 pet peeve of mine, and I have a lot on my plate right now (academically and with my family) and my birthday is this week. Which means it's a holiday all week, yeah? (haha Gautam thinks so). Okay I'm not that delusional, but historically my birthday has ALWAYS fallen on one of THE most stressful weeks of the term..this year is no exception. Papers and midterms anyone??

Change

2008-10-08T03:00:00.000-07:00

Deliberate change is so hard to make...

and yet the small, unintentional changes that come about due to sticking to the status quo or negligence are so easy to make....

Why???

Sigh.

I'm feeling like epic fail right now.

I'm feeling like this year isn't what anyone expected.

I'm feeling like that is somehow all my fault.

But I know that I can't control the way people feel about things, or what they choose to make their priorities.

My goal was to help folks grow into the people they could be. But I can't do everything for them and I guess I'm not really the leader I thought I was, after all. I wish I could shake this feeling that everyone's watching and waiting to see if I epic fail or epic win at this stuff this year.

A dying breed, indeed.

Midterm Season

2008-10-08T02:01:00.000-07:00

Its 2am and I just heard the street sweeper go by. Sweet. I hate this part of midterm season!

I'm working on a paper for my Japanese American History class and I went to look up when Tofu Festival started (1996), which led me to the Nisei Week site, where I then looked at the pageant requirements (still restrictive), and then SF Cherry Blossom (not really updated)...then I looked up what year Vincent Chin was murdered, which was referenced in a song by a Filipino-AMerican rap group, which led me to look for "Japanese American Musicians" on wikipedia, when led me to the Mike Shinoda site....which reminded me that I didn't get to go to the opening of the first part of his art exhibit at the JANM this summer.

Anyways, buy me his book?

Kthx.

I've only got about 70% more of this paper to write before I can sleep!

Profiling

2008-10-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about how hip hop was tonight (YAYS!) but all I ever seem to write about is NSU anymore so I'll write about this other thought that's been buzzing through my head. I was browsing facebook and i happened upon this girl's profile who is also an arch major here (I was looking for someone w/the same first name as this person) and I could tell right away because it all screamed architecture.

Interests: Design and All-Nighters. Residence: Wurster 6th floor, etc etc.

Look at mine and what do you see? JA this and that. Interested in...mixed-use development. Community. Strada. Fluent in Italian. Favorite book: maps. One of my quotes is about the different epochs of architecture that are contained in a Roman street corner. 2 years of working for a firm.

So at first I was going to say...."I do not live and breathe architecture and design." I do not aspire to be a studio resident, nor do I enjoy all-nighters any more. I don't go around talking about art. I'm even trying to kick my coffee habit. But then I realized....that this statement is not true. I do not live and breathe architecture and design, except for the fact that it is an intrinsic part of every moment of my life. I see, hear, and feel the effect of the built environment on the way in which lives are lived, in every moment. From the crappy lighting in my living room to the gorgeous way that the sunset reflects onto the building across the street to make it look truly magical, I take notice of art, architecture, and design.

But some part of me still feels inadequate when I see this girl's page. Why? I'm no less able to earn a degree in architecture than anyone else in the program. To the outsider, I spend all my time caught up in all that "activist" stuff - registering people to vote, empowering the JA community, serving the community, supporting others in their struggles, keeping up on the political culture of this nation. But that doesn't mean I'm not engaged in my major either. I'm just not into the PROFESSION. A lot of people seem to think that the two - academics and profession - go hand in hand. I guess...I guess what I should already know, but just realized tonight, is that I am not defined by my major. I'm more than that, more than my activities, more than the books on my shelf, more than my italian-isms. But how do you convey all of that to someone you've just met? Or someone you've never met? How do I say "These are my passions and they may seem disparate to you, but to me they are a cohesive fabric that I live and breathe"?

Gosh. Why do I feel the need to justify myself? Why am I so aware of others' perceptions of me..and more importantly..why do I care?? I think I know part of the answer...I'm tryikng to be the person that a couple of specific people think is interesting. Not just interesting, but focused and amazing. Trying to present myself so that they will see that I've got my head on straight just like them. Trying so hard.......for something I'll never get.

This Is Why You Buy Italian

2008-10-06T18:45:00.001-07:00

I just sat on my glasses while on the phone with someone who was asking me a bunch of questions about a grant I applied for....luckily, they didn't break. My Armani frames always pull through for me!! Like all things Italian, they are high quality, although they are also pretty finicky and I have to adjust the nose pieces every other day.

Hopefully the results of the grant application come out just as favorably!!

Update on the past week:

It's now october. WHAT??
I went to work and met w/someone from SF JACL on Friday...also went to Bingo in Union City that evening....and it rained that night. It was a long day.
Speaking of rain, it was the first rain of the fall. Kind of humid but actually quite pleasant for me.
My collection of cute bento boxes is growing but I spent less this time than I did last time =)
I found out that one of my cousins has some major medical stuff going on...I am worried about him.
I'm not ready for my arch history midterm...
Football concessions = bootsy, but Cal games are always an experience!!
I'm almost out of food and due to the aforementioned midterm I haven't had time to go grocery shopping. Actually, I have a lot of bread and yogurt but that doesn't make for a very balanced diet.
When I wasn't out doing NSU-related things this weekend, I took the time to clean my room and take care of myself. I like having a clean room...too bad I'm going to destroy it this week.
Oh! I found out that I won a scholarship from the architecture department based on my "class standing and outstanding academic merit". Who knew I had ANY academic merit??
EAP grades still aren't in the US and it pushed my Telebears back a day =(

Even Heroes Know When To Be Scared

2008-09-29T18:57:00.000-07:00

Note to self...don't listen to defeatist music when you have the biggest presentation of your life (thus far) in a couple of hours. This isn't anything compared to say...moving to a different continent and not knowing a soul on that whole damned piece of land. But it's still the biggest presentation of my life. I'm asking for $1200. I've never asked ANYONE for that much money at once. And I'm not just asking for it for me, but for the 50+ people involved in and 600+ people attending Culture Show 2008. This money is crucial to our being able to put on CS while staying financially sustainable.

In my arch history readings, there's a lot about golden ages and the rise and fall of certain social groups and civilizations. And every once in a while I get scared, like what if NSU already had its little golden age and I'm just a holdover from that time, old, about to become a fossil. What if NSU can no longer run due to finances and a lack of commitment? I think it scares me so much because it echoes, on so many levels, the predicament of the Japanese American community at large. It will only exist as long as people care enough to support it (financially and otherwise). I've never believed that the community is going to die off or disband within the next 10 years. Never. But in the life cycle of a student organization....10 years is a longgg time. I'd like to see NSU make it to its 10th anniversary, which is in 4 years. I want to see Culture Show in big Zellerbach and with a reputation like UCLA's...not because I think we need to compete with other groups for the sake of being bigger and better...but because the Japanese American community on this campus deserves to have a voice that is just as expressive and powerful as any other Student Org, be it here or on another campus. And when you think of it like that....it's pretty big.

Let's not get too carried away here though. It's a five minute presentation...and one of many that Senate FiComm will be hearing tonight. Five minutes. It takes me twice as long to walk to senate as it does to present.

Why am I having a very difficult time breathing then?

EDIT:

The verdict? $900. But it didn't come easily.

List Serves Make Me Cry

2008-09-28T19:03:00.000-07:00

I think the title pretty much sums it up.

v________v

MANIFESTO

2008-09-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

this year's theme for the monologues of (r)evolutions is MANIFESTO.

So frakin sweet!

I haven't come up with a well-worded manifesto on identity and community but i've got a couple of mantras for this semester. In general....

things aren't easy but every obstacle or bump that i come up is something that I'm choosing to see as a CHALLENGE....and I'm not backing down from one any time soon.

In other news, I may eventually get my paper proposal for architectural history done tonight (well..its due tomorrow...so i better!). I wish I had the time to just sit down and read about all this history - south/central spain from 700-1400 = pretty damned interesting. too bad i need to be writing about, like, a building.

wtf mate

2008-09-22T14:51:00.001-07:00

ARGHHHH.

I have hard time feeling sympathetic toward people who, knowing well in advance that they have lots of things to do the day before a midterm, have nonetheless not started studying. Actually, I have plenty of symapthy toward those people - I am often one of those people. But I don't have much sympathy when people back out of things that have been on their schedule for quite some time due to the aforementioned midterms. I understand that life is busy and things come up. But when things are habitually and consistently pushed off, I question that person's commitment...

Procastination is always something I do too often, but I really am trying my best to win that battle this semester. So far I'm doing alright.

I'm also really annoyed because I just called to confirm someone (that I had to move a whole bunch of things around to accomodate) and it turns out he is out of the office this whole week.

Plus, this whole Moorish architecture of southern spain thing is getting really tricky. I have no clue what I will be writing my term paper about. "This is gorgeous, and the respect that new regimes showed for old regimes is very unique, and I don't understand all of this but it is GORGEOUS" isn't a really good thesis.

Goal for the next two weeks: keep the NSU focus and energy high, but also create an environment that is focused on academics.

Lovin' It

2008-09-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

I really am loving this NSU thing! I know I recently bitched about basically feeling un-appreciated but I really do like this.

It's amazing to watch these folks that don't really know what is going on....helping them out and watching them figure things out...watching them grow into their roles...watching them make a difference, fulfilling their potential, and growing into independent, intelligent leaders....yeah it's pretty damn cool.

We've barely begun to cover what I know we can, but I am excited and inspired by the progress that we've already made. It's what keeps me going when I just want to forget about it all and go back to my textbooks...what keeps me positive and upbeat...and what keeps me a little relentless and sometimes critical of folks. I just hope that people realize I'm critical about things because I care about them the most.

As you can tell I haven't done a good job articulating what I'm feeling but obviously its a good thing.

bitter...like aperol?

2008-09-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

This world is filled with far too many self-centered folks. A big part of me is jealous that people have that luxury though. I think I gave up on myself a while ago, decided that for whatever reason I was not that important and that I didn't have enough worth. To make up for it, I slowly started devoting my time to other people and to causes. I developed my own voice, I became a leader, and my confidence seemed to grow.

Then I went to Europe and learned how to take care of myself. Now, I am filling leadership positions once again and due to some setbacks I am not as confident as I once was. I am confident in my ability to lead people and I am sure of my ability to generally get by in life, but my self-worth is still not there. I'm happy to serve others...but I still long to be able to fulfil my selfish desires (it is a very twisted reality to treat school and studying like selfish tasks, but I do) and I have no confidence that anyone sees any worth in me. In my leadership abilities, yes. In my ability to take care of myself, yes. But the world has gone and proven time and time again that just plain ME is not wanted. Not worthwhile.

So all of those folks who put themselves, their midterms, and their getting-ahead-in-the-rat-race before everything else....they piss me off, because I am jealous and for once in my life I'd like for someone to center their self on me for a minute or two.

conclusion: me = attention whore!!!

Birthday Wishes

2008-09-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

Besides world peace, politicians that I can at least agree with, a decently paying part-time job, and a new wardrobe, I've got two frivolous things I want for my birthday right now:

1) The entire Death Cab for Cutie discography
2) A good flat-iron.

I'm going through a major death cab phase right now (i've only just gotten back into the habit of trying to keep up on new American music since I've returned from Europe) due to having heard "I Will Posses Your Heart" a million times on the radio. THen I found out that Death Cab was responsible for the song at the end of last season's Gossip Girl finale, "The Ice Is Getting Thinner", when Dan and Serena are dancing their last dance "ever". I've liked death cab for a while but i just realized that I lost Transatlanticism when my HP crashed, and I never did acquire Plans. So, I want the discography, kthx.

I've decided to keep the long hair, but in order to do that I need to be able to do things with my hair. I don't like it when I just let it dry, but I don't like it curled either. The answer: flat iron it! My sister has an amazing flat iron that she got from her hair dresser, but I haven't ahd the time/money to get one yet.

There are a lot of other more useful or socially responsible things I want, and a lot more expensive things (down payment for a hybrid car?), but I think these two lie in the budget range that people might actually have =))

Running

2008-09-08T00:35:00.000-07:00

Running seems like such a good idea to me.

Today I tried to wear jeans for the first time in a couple of weeks (I'd been wearing skirts cause of the heat) and they didn't really fit at all. Which confuses me, because I've been doing MORE walking than during the summer..but not as much as Italy I guess. I bought a membership to the RSF....now I just have to MAKE TIME to GO TO THE GYM. I say this too often but seeing as my main relationship is currently with NSU, there is some hope that I might actually force myself to go every once in a while.

In other parts of my life...the idea of escaping and running away is somewhat attractive. I don't really know why I feel so trapped, but at the moment, I do. Lack of control is probably the main factor. Which is odd, because I kind of gave up trying to control things when I was in Europe. In reality, I have more control over my life than I did last year at Cal. I make a lot more decisions. I control a lot more things (to a certain extent). I can choose to attend or not attend a lot of things. And, I have been generally choosing not to attend things. (and actually my antisocial tendancies do not make me feel liberated at all.) But as I've taken on a minor public service role this year, I feel constantly committed to that particular role. Like I'm on-call all the time. And I never know when I'm going to get that call. So I feel like maybe if I just go running I can feel a little bit in control of things. Like life will be on my terms for once.

Don't worry, I'm not going to shed my responsibilities and ACTUALLY go MIA. But I may take up some sort of athleticism. (I seriously miss the courts though. Too bad intramurals are hecksta competitive though.....)

Domesticity

2008-09-06T01:01:00.000-07:00

Today I cleaned up my room: there are no more boxes sitting out in it!

I also made my bed, read a little bit, ate cereal (lactose-free milk is a very new discovery for me), did 3 loads of laundry, and went to the grocery store. Yay me! I can do basic life tasks!!

And for all of Friday I was not angry or bitter or even really sad about life. I wasn't busy busy busy and I wasn't getting my soul crushed by poverty at home and abroad and I was really just having a dandy time listening to the radio and shopping for my sister's birthday present. Alas it is now Saturday and I no longer feel at peace with everything in the world.

This semester is not shaping up to what I wanted it to be.

I love my roommates and my friends and my classes and what I'm learning about and my community and NSU. Or that is what I keep telling myself. I mean...I'm pretty sure I do. But there is so much more to LIFE and to ME and I'm not left with any time for that. And that's really not what I imagined my senior year to be. There are 20,000+ undergraduates on campus. A lot of them are smart, funny, talented, amazing people. I probably only know about 5% of those people. Think of all the opportunities and potential friendships, acquantances, relationships, coming-togethers-of-diverse-viewpoints, discussions, argments, and memorable people I am missing out on. And tonight I realized that I am not going to get to meet most of those people, and that's really a shame, because college is a truly unique place and time in our lives. So yes, I do love all of those things I started off listing. But, I kind of hoped that this year I'd have the time/courage to expand on that.

Ocean

2008-09-03T22:50:00.000-07:00

Life threw a lot of curveballs at me last night and today, which meant crisis management, frustration, and a little bit of angry katies =( But then I came home and started looking up X-Factor clips and life is all good again =)

Anyways for those of you who care about my academic life, a couple of notes:
Arch 170A: Arch Hist. from Antiquity to the Middle Ages
I have no friends in that class and I'm always late but Shanken did manage to make cave paintings INTERESTING so there is some hope...

AAS 122: Japanese American History
Everyone keeps telling me I don't need to take this class but there are a lot of reasons why I'm taking it, some of which lie in principles rather than practicalities or even interest. Anyways there are lots of films and I'm looking forward to continuing my self-education, which I started some time around the 4th grade.

Cy Plan c114: Intro. to Urban and Regional Transportation
I was going to drop this class until I went today and the lecture convinced me to stay. I realized that this, along with a myriad of other city planning issues, are what REALLY interest me and what I REALLY understand. To me, it's all pretty much common sense and looking at all the sides of an issue (which is great since I'm such an "amiable" type anyways!). There is an annoying knowitall in this class (seriously why are there so many in the class of 09???) but other than that this should be a goodie. One of the GSIs may be my new lets-kick-it-and-talk-about-life amigo since Alex appears to be gone this year. Something that I need to be reminded of more often: Planners don't get to make the decisions. Odd concept, but a fundamental one...

Anthro 137: Energy, Culture, & Society
I am hoping I can get this to count for my minor. I don't know much about energy policy but it has political and lifestyle implications not just for the US but the entire world. THe professor is a little kray kray (she likes to call things "cuckoo" a lot) but some of her stories are great (like the one about the 50MPG engines from the early 80s..."the other car is in hiding, for future historians to find!") and somewhere in there I know she's got a lot to share that will be useful. Plus, there's no discussion section or midterm as of now, and a good friend of mine is in it, and it is in the new Stanley Hall building. I'm not going to lie....good facilities helped sell this course. Let this be a lesson to you, stupid people who built Dwinelle!

Cy Plan c115: Global Poverty: Hopes and Challenges in the New Millenium
Professor Ananya Roy won the GOlden Apple Teaching Award at Cal last year, and there is a reason for it. She is also a DCRP professor, so I just had to try out at least one of her classes while I'm here. I didn't think global poverty would interest me much or have a lot to do with studying city planning, but I love this course so far. First, Ananya gives amazing lectures that are fast-paced and interesting and delivered in a great accent =) She doesn't waste words either...which means that you want to write down EVERY word she says and my hands get tired. Maybe I should get a recorder. I'd listen to her lectures again, they are that good! Then, there are the people in the course: like half of senate, architecture friends, city planning friends, and old roomies. The lecture hall is ALWAYS full which is weird because I have 170 in there right before and it is never even half full. Third, the content is fascinating (the reading has been really easy to read), albeit a little shocking at times. Fourth, my GSI seems to be almost as cool as Ananya. His ice-breaker question: "name two cities that you are obssessed with." I had such a hard time narrowing it down to TWO. I find something I am fascinated with in every city I go to and the more I study architecture the more I want to visit different cities. My list of places to see is huge, to the point where I've separated it into "places I'd love to see" and "places I am actually going to try to see". So yeah that just made me super excited about life and my GSI seems really chill (yet demanding). Though I doubt I'll be devoting my career to helping end global poverty, or even going to Bono concert (Ananya loves Bono...my GSI quoted her quoting Bono and said that he was quoting "a rockstar who is quoting another rock star."), this is still one of those courses that embodies what college is all about.

Cy Plan 113B: Community & Economic Development
The longer I sit in this class, the less appealing it becomes. The problem with going to a school that is a hotbed of liberalism is that the opportunity to see the conservative point of view is often times nonexistent and this is no exception. I'm not necessarily conservative but I like to see both sides and I like to see things get challenged. Today was pretty much an Obama love fest though and neither candidate has sold me yet so it was pretty frustrating. The prof is pretty deaf and one of those old white liberal democrats that you are more likely to find in the humaninties. He is all about teaching practicalities rather than theory. Which I used to like, but I also think that if you sign up to go to Cal you know what you are getting into. Want practical? Go to the vocational schools.

The prof set a grim picture of the current US economy today and I totally agreed with him two months ago. Living in America has been easier than it is today. Our poverty line is at $20,000 for a family of four, and a minimum wage job does not earn that much annually. The healthcare system IS in need of a change. But if you're not thrown too much bad luck, the possibility to improve economically exists in this country. I'm not saying you aren't going to work a bajillion hours and that you won't have to make some hard decisions...but it exists. In most of Africa and Asia, it doesn't matter how much you work, because your country is probably stuck in a poverty trap...I mean, one sixth of the world population lives in extreme poverty. So I have a hard time swallowing all this pro-americanism that gets thrown around in class. Not because I don't love America - at my core I truly do love this country, this culture, and all the peoplle that make it what it is. But I am critical of it in a domestic as well as a global context, because I've lived in Europe (and yeah I'm also taking that poverty course).

And as a result of my experiences I am in the process of re-evaluating what it means to be American. Some times it is tough to llive in a country that locked up your grandfather (a born citizen of this nation) and 100,000 other people on the basis of their ancestry and denied them of their rights, and blindly proclaim to love it. Some times it bothers me to know that if my parents were a generation before theirs, it would have been illegal for them to marry. It would have been illegal for me to exist. And I guess I am a little confused, because I want Americans to have jobs, I really do (hell I want to have a job), but enticing corporations to bring their factories back from relatively undeveloped places also means that you are probably writing a death sentence for those people in that far-off place. It's crazy to know that people make decisions every day that will decide who dies where, and when. I look at what the INS does and wonder how much good they are doing when they try to deport non-criminals who have children that were born here and have been contributing to society in a positive manner. I wonder about myself and my opinions and the policies of others a lot. I'm afraid that at the moment I don't know what it means to be American any more than I know what it means to be Japanese American (which was the number one question I got asked this summer).

Shoot, I was going to drop CP 113B because I can't stand the professor. THere was a cute guy I made friends with that would have been nice to know. ANd I enjoyed watching Roger and Me. But my prof has unknowingly given me a lot to think about. It makes me really critical and bitter though, because I don't know what to do with all my contradictions and angry-ness yet. Oh, did I mention we have to do 16 hours of community service isntead of a midterm??

Labor Day Weekend, Indeed

2008-08-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

I woke up today feeling physically drained. It's a bad way to start off a day, let alone a Saturday. By 3pm it was apparent that I wasn't just physically drained, but also spiritually. Mayhaps I should go to church tomorrow, but that will probably just be one more unfulfilled self-promise.

So yes, drained. Empty. It's been a while since I felt this way: lacking the self-motivation to do the things I need to do, and the...concern? to care that I'm getting behind on things. Nobody else seems to care so much, and really...nobody NEEDS me to do anything. I guess what I really feel is defeated by all the external factors swimming around me. In Italy, all the external shit in the world could (and did) happen, but it didn't matter. I was accountable to nobody but myself and I had a life at home I knew I was coming back to. Now, I can't just shut things out. I've taken on this mantle that requires more of me. And while on one hand I want it, part of me doesn't know how to do it.

So I am going to take some time this weekend to really think about what I'm "laboring" over. What do I want the fruits of my labor to be? And why am I doing what I'm doing? Because I can't burn up this quickly. Resentment, disappointment, frustration - they're all futile, and once they're gone I'll be empty again. I want to build something wonderful, filled with love and commitment and cool-assed people.

All this first-week school/nsu/work/life confusion is one big whirpool that I hope settles down soon.

Adele - Chasing Pavement

2008-08-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

My friend introduced this video to me today (he always introduces me to great videos...I love graphic designers!) and I think I love it. Adele can sing and she is a Brit which makes me like her that much more. The song lyrics resonate with me to no end. And the concept of the video = <3!!!! Although, it is kind of sad to see that they don't showcase Adele in the video. At least they came up with an amazing concept to substitute...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz7vGW2_5c0

Worlds Collide

2008-08-24T23:29:00.001-07:00

Today we had a Padova reunion in Berkeley. It was great seeing everyone, catching up on our summers, and just chilling with the gang. We perfected the art of living life to the fullest (and unproductive) extent, to the point where it doesn't matter where in the world we are or what's going on...we will have an enjoyable time. Today was no different, and I found myself letting all my appointments just melt away....they could wait till another day.

Then, I saw some of my good Berkeley friends on the street. I waved, came out and said hello...and they were like "who are THEY?" And my other life came crashing in. I admit, we make a pretty random and unexpected family, us padovani, but I feel like those kids may know me better than anyone now. They are the only other people in the world that shared my experience in Italy with me. And while they don't know the side of me that is/was involved in the JA community, who carried her day planner everywhere with her, who cared about local politics, they do know the person who learned how to live. And, more importantly, they support and respect what I've chosen to do with my life in their own ways.

So when my Cal friends came along and reminded me of all the "productive" things I *should* be doing, didn't immediatly try to come in and introduce themselves to my Italy friends, and ran off for boba...the sharp contrast between my seemingly separate lives became SO clear to me. I've been so angry lately, and I couldn't figure out why. Well, I think I've figured out part of it: I've grown up and others haven't. And beyond that, I've grown up and been punished because others haven't. I already have a crazy strong personal value that everyone should pull their own weight, period, which doesn't help. But to have things not work out they way I wanted (the way I deserved) because SOMEONE ELSE wasn't mature enough...well, that's a hard truth to swallow. And I can't just make people get their priorities straight and grow up, but I don't know what I can do...so I get ANGRY.

And now it's becoming clear that I don't know everything either. I need to learn how to not just be a leader, but to inspire others to want to lead, to want to be responsible, to want to grow. Because that's the only thing I can think of to help them grow up.

[I throw around "grow up" a lot and I don't mean I'm all grown up. I'm scared shitless of the world that awaits when I graduate. But knowing that is there, and knowing how priviledged I am until then, makes me that much more aware of how less mature all of the youngsters I know really are.]

Mad Props

2008-08-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

To all of my predecessors in NSU. I don't know how they got all of us together and on top of our stuff, but I can honestly say that I completely trust and can count on every one of the seniors that are/were on core this year. It's a VERY daunting and sometimes frustrating task to try and get people on the same page, plugged into the community, and responsible. Some of it has to do with maturity, I'm sure, but the other common denomonator we have is our past training/leadership background.

Now that I'm facing a crew of bright YOUNG faces, I'm that much more appreciative of what's been laid before me. I'd say I don't think I am ready to lead these people, but with the help of my other OG-influenced amigos, I know things will somehow turn out all right. As with all groups, this year looks different than two years ago so it is a good thing that I am different than past presidents...but I still give mad props to them. And to my fellow 09-ers, who are the only reason I haven't gone completeley insane and self-destructed before the year has even begun!

Another Year

2008-08-23T00:08:00.000-07:00

I've had this blog for about a year now!

School starts on Wednesday and the campus community is already off to a running start, which will turn into a sprint soonly....

Walking through campus today, I was struck by how carefree and, at the same time, VIBRANT all the students are. Everyone's all excited about the parties, the friends, the cool shit, whatever. Bright colors and happy faces everywhere. Whereas I am a "veteran", I'm taking care of business shit on campus, not there to socialize, there's just too much to get done. And I'm not really into the parties either - again, too many other things I could be doing. Or too many people are new and I don't have the energy/want to make nice with them.

Transitioning into school will be my final transition back into American life, hopefully it's not too hard. Coming back from Italy was not easy, and in many ways I grew a lot more in these past two months than you would think. I know now that one of my core values is my community. I feel the greatest sense of happiness not just when I am serving my community, but when the whole community gets together and works toward a common cause. But not everyone in my life views this value in the same way, and it's been a learning experience to see that some folks may care about the community...but aren't as commited to real action as I think they should be.

Another thing I was surprised to learn is that I like, maybe even want, to share and be dependent on others. It is a huge comfort and relief to lean a little on others after being unable to do that while I lived in Europe. Living abroad gave me a real sense of exactly who I am and what I am capable of, and now that I have that I have the capacity to share my life with other people. It kind of goes along the same lines of "nobody will love you if you can't love yourself". I know myself and am thus secure (stable?) enough to be able to share myself with another human being. That ability - and the fact that I have the desire to do that - is something I definitely did not have a year ago. Unfortunately I haven't met anyone who has reached that point in their life, so for now I'm giving myself over to NSU work and school.

Looking to this school year....I want to graduate with a 3.6. I want to feel like I got a good city planning education. I want to bring CS to Japantown and help put on another great CS on campus. I want to spend time with my amici and I hopefully not feel oceans apart from all the young'ns. I want to work, because I don't want my parents to have to shoulder any more burden than they already are. I want to make a million more great memories, but not at the expense of my academics...because unfortunately, grades are going to follow me around until I get into grad school. I want so many things, some of which are in conflict with each other, and I'm struggling with how all those things can be acheived. So for now I gotta take it one day at a time, because eventually I will find a way. This is going to be a year to rememeber.

Headche.

2008-08-12T23:05:00.000-07:00

My head hurts like no other and I blame you. and you and you...

Today I bought a new pair of shoes...at payless. They don't look too payless-y and they are too tall to wear around all the time so it is ok, cuz I wasn't gonna spend $100 on shoes I wear twice. I also bought new underwear/bras and sunglasses and accessories at H&M. Getting off the bus at Union Square is a bad idea, especially when you are wallowing in self-loathing, and ESPECIALLY when there is some event at the end of the week that you need to dress up for.

I don't know if I've got what it takes to run NSU this year. The doctor always tells me my headaches are stress-induced and I got them all the time last fall. It's times like these when I miss Italy - I rarely had headaches there. But at the moment I'm dealing with a lot of personal stuff and grappling with a crippling self-loathing problem. I basically feel like I'm a little bit worthless - not worth anyone's time (in a personal sense).And I can forsee a lot of un-voiced frustration with people coming on this year. So that's probably got something to do with it. I just hope these things don't become chronic...

I'm also really starting to get sad taht my internship is ending. Street Fair went so well and it was a great capstone to my experience. I am also going to mimss having Andersen's bakery and Benkyo-Do just down the street. I discovered strawberry mochi today...it is delicious. And all the Japanese food. And HONU's, my favorite hawaiian joint....I was even getting used to my commute, too! Now when am I going to read, listen to music, and just clear my mind??? Don't even get me started on the PEOPLE either...I love all the interns. Reading the e-mails that get sent out to each other seriously makes my day ten times better and brighter. Sighhhh. Thurs/Fri will be a BLAST though =)

Missing

2008-08-12T01:14:00.000-07:00

With each day that passes, I find that there is more that I miss: home, Italy, EAP friends, traveling, summer time, feeling the way I did, the old man who always had a rubber band in his pocket at Kiku Hana to fix our chopsticks up for us (random, i know). I'm reminded of the architect who gave a speech about his work last yar that did one of those giant heart pieces for charity (the public art installments) in San Francisco. He had basically punched as many giant holes as was possible into this heart without it actually physically falling apart.

But there is always more to look forward to, to appreciate, to enjoy: drinks with old friends, the prospect of new ones, NSU, culture show, school, ambitions, the next exquisite meal, festivals, beginnings, and they day when my body finally stops aching. It fills up the holes left behind by all the things that are missing, and I'm filled with the impulse to shove as many things into it to fill the space as possible. (actually...I know...my collective memory and my heart just expand, kind of like the internet, in a limitless fashion...but right now it doesn't feel that way).

I am trying, however, to simply live in the moment again. It's getting to be difficult with school starting though. How does one go about their day without spending too much time thinking (sometimes bitterly and sometimes nostalgically) about what's in the past or, on the other end, scheming and planning too much for the future? Maybe my past has me running too scared of the future, on counting on or planning for too much, but I can't help feeling like I waste too much time planning my tomorrows. Mayhaps if I was focused on my todays...I wouldnt' be up at 1:30am when I have to be on BART at 8:10.