All In.

I've been having a crisis of confidence (who doesn't these days). However, I received an e-mail on a list serve and it got me thinking positively. I keep going back and forth about trying for things in the states because I'm currently abroad and a) it sucks to lose at anything and b) I am like "well....I'd feel bad if so-and-so wanted this position and I took it from them." 

But I realized that I have the same right to apply as the next person. The final decisions are not up to me, but I should be confident that my qualifications allow others to accurately judge my abilities, and leave it at that.

I've come a long way from all the agony I had a year ago when I didn't even have the ability to form and voice a critical opinion because I wasn't sure if, because of who I am and where I come from, I was entitled to a voice. Sometimes I forget that though.

So I've decided, for better or for worse, to not just answer the call...but to go ALL IN.

A post from Italy

I've always considered this blog more personal than my travel blog, so this belongs here. Also, I've been reading everything I've done in the past 8ish months. I seriously need to start writing more things down, because I really enjoy seeing my progress and how I was at one certain point in time. These truly are snapshots...


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Thursday, 03 April 12:33am
I have come to several realizations today...

First, I don't like school in Italy. How else can you explain accidentally sleeping in until 3:30pm (the start time of my first and only thursday class), my complete lack of will to prepare for my midterm and my presentation, and my current interest-bordering-on-obssession with the future (namely my family's visit, California things, Berkeley classes, and other things I can't control).

Maybe I am in my Italy funk right now. THey say it's supposed to happen, I thought I had mine (and that it lasted about 2 days). But even after a successful trip to Belgium, I'm not really excited in planning any of my trips except for the one home. I've looked up the airports I will be flying through, the time it will be in California, how I will be able to use a phone as soon as I land, and even considered scheduling all my doctor's appointments (dentist stuff mostly) for the days after I get back. I have a life, it seems, waiting for me at home. But then my mom went to a funeral today, and I was reminded that life is not waiting for me. It's here in Italy, and it's being wasted by my inability to get up without massive amounts of sunshine and noise to wake me.
At any rate, I am currently poised to get all C's here in Italy, due purely to my lack of motivation and interest, and not at all due to the difficulty of the subject material. It appears that my foot injury has affected my mental capacities as well this week.

Another thing that I noticed is that my relationship with my mom has changed. Though I've been begging for her trust and to "treat me like I'm 15/16/employed/17/18/not living at home anymore" since my days in high school, I realize that I still want - need - her approval on all sorts of things. I e-mail her to ask if I should order clothes online (that she would have to bring to me), if she thinks that applying for an internship is a good idea, and how to cook my favorite white trash-y foods.

But more and more, my mom is starting to treat me, if not like an adult, then as an independent person. I researched and recommended severeal alterations to her trip to Italy, and I assumed she wouldn't take them seriously because she was dealing with a professional travel agent and all. To my surprise, she asked me to take care of the things that the travel agent couldn't do satisfactorally.* I expected lots of questions when I announced that I wanted to apply for an internship in California instead of spending my whole summer in Italy, but there were surprisingly few inquiries on her part.

The fact that I am going after these things, taking these risks - ambition, maybe - seems to have changed her attitude. I am not so much of her "little girl" these days. This last point hit me when I mentioned the possibility of living with a male friend (as far as I know, he doesn't actually have cooties) and then i backed up to ask her if she'd be cool with that. Without hesitation, she replied "I don't have a problem with that, as long as that is what you want to do." And no, there wasn't an insinuation attached to the second half of that sentence.

And that's when two things hit me at the same time:
a) my mom is starting to react to my choices as MY decisions, and not a cue for her to tell me what I *should* do.
b) I am not used to (and perhaps not ready for) being treated like an adult, not by my mother. As much as I got a thrill out of traveling by air and later going on vacation without my parents when I was 19, finding a way to get almost anywhere I want to on public transportation, and the liberal rules concerning guests in Berkeley dorms (let's just say Italy is not so generous), the truth is that I'm actually pretty good with a little bit of overbearing mom. As the possible distance of falling increases and my career plans continue to resemble soemthing like wet cement that's still turning around in the truck (as opposed to neat red bricks that I'm collecting assembling), the one person that I always turn to when I second guess myself is still my mom.

And so our conversation continued and we got onto the subject of budgets. I asked my mom what the budget ballpark was going to be, but I already had a sinking feeling that I knew the answer: "whatever you think is reasonable". Aww. I know most people would kill to not have a housing budget. But my mom knows that chances are, my figures will be a bit lower than what she is actually willing to cough up.

Sigh. Being a knowitall kid was fun, ,but I don't know if I'm ready for being a rational individual just yet.

*I do believe "satisfactorally" isn't a word. I really need an English dictionary.


Last observation of the day: all ths Nutella is going to give me horrible cavities.