Greys Anatomy Moment

"Kiss me, love me, CHOOSE ME."

sigh.

I'd never say that in real life....that would require me to like...give up any pride that I have. And since I know the answer there's no point in that. If I thought there was any real chance then I just might. Maybe I have been forced to listen to too much Abba this break - "take a chance on me"?

Sigh.

Anyways...I made the honors list. Go me! BA Architecture w/honors! I just gotta make it through studio. New years resolution: attempt to approach studio with a positive attitude. Maybe it won't suck my soul away. Maybe I won't have to stay up for a million bajillion hours on end. Maybe I will have enough confidence to aim higher than just-above-the-bottom-of-the-heap or "average" even. It can't go horribly terribly wrong, right?

So yeah, yay me. I'm graduating this year! $100k education - now what am I going to do with it??? Suggestions I've gotten so far: Fulbright (too late), internship (do they give those out to college grads anymore?), architect job. Now I know why lawyers' kids want to be lawyers. It's easy to go into something with built in connections. Half my family doesn't even live in a city (have you ever heard of Lakeport or Newcastle?) so I'm SOL on the sweet hookups. 

This whole "life" thing seems a lot harder than school. Going off to college was easy - tons of people had done it and not suffered any major disaster. The same can not be said for entering the "professional" world.

You're My Remedy

Finals swallowed me up and have yet to spit me out....

at any rate, this is all I have to say for tonight.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

If a dream really is a whish that your heart makes...my heart has lots of wishes. I've been dreaming a LOT in the midmorning hours between 9 and 11am, which has been making it sort of impossible to get up...because my dreams are pretty happy ones.

Sigh....I think I'm ronery.

dollar bills

I'd like more of them please, kthx.

I am totally broke...

I know exactly why, too.

A semester in Italy + an inability to budget my money decently this semester + an inability to say no to people.

What gets me the most frustrated is how I have to hit up people for money they owe me now, knowing full well that I've probably borrowed money from them at some point too. I don't like asking people for money...especially my parents. I know they have a million things to worry about as it is. 

Sigh.

I am having terrible luck at finding a job as well...

Investment

I started writing a review of my culture show experience for my AAS 122 class and I began it by saying the following:

I have been involved in four NSU culture shows, each one with varying levels of involvement. This year, however, I was both more involved and less invested in the show. More involved because, as president of NSU, one of my main functions during the fall is to support our largest event of the year but helping out the culture show chairs. Less invested because this show began last spring when I was living in Europe. I had very little say in the overall direction of the show, and this being my last show, I haven’t got the opportunity to write a skit or chair the show next year.

And then I got to thinking....less invested? Are you kidding me?! My sundays, my Monday evenings, my Thursday nights, my 3 day weekends went into culture show. I gave up on relationships for this show. My grades are suffering. When we had smaller-than-usual attendance, I took it personally. While it was great to see all of my close friends and my parents at the show, I was unhappy that we didn't sell the auditorium out. 

So I'm no less invested, but something else was missing...hmm. I don't have time to dwell on that. But hey look at at this!! I kind of want one for Christmas. It'd be fun to put together...

http://shop.lego.com/Product/?p=10185

Leadership Dev

I was having a conversation with a friend about targeting and training future leadership in student orgs and I made an off-handed comment about how guilt tripping and obligation are "fundamental JA values" that my predecessors taught me, when I realized...that seems high oxymoronic, considering intergenerational transferrance of leadership within the Japanese American community has a reputation of being difficult at best.

In the context of student orgs that are constantly in flux....you don't have that option. Train and sustain, or die. Those are the options. It's also the line that is used in the JA community as well, but doesn't always seem to play out in practice. As someone who's now on the older end of the college org spectrum, I'm realizing how difficult it is to do what is best. Reaching out to people you don't necessarily know that well - and then entrusting them with something you've invested close to four years in - is not easy or comfortable. Getting people to understand why something is worth caring about, when many of the experiences and issues that engaged you have changed or mutated, takes a lot of effort. You have to be willing to invest time and resources into more than one possibility...and you have to be willing to let others take over your vision. In short...it's a huge leap of faith. Can I do it? Yes....but not without some effort.

Chalk this one up to one more thing that I'm glad I got to learn while still in college.