I'd say I definitely do not have my shit together these days - which is ok. I'll figure it out, one day at a time. But I'd also say that's one of the reasons why I doubt I'll actually be able to date someone that I actually like (erh....date in general). Talent and passion and big dreams - those are some of the qualities I value most in a person. But getting a person who's on a trajectory for success to stick with you is hard when you're floundering around yourself.
Hmm. On further thought, I think it comes down to my inner confidence (not self-confidence in the way of "how do I carry myself" or whatever, a much more subconscious thing). I'm still not confident enough to feel like I've got it together....because on a rational level I know I am by no means a failure or even an underachieving human being. I've done a fair bit of things with my life and I've done it in a way that is respectable and virtuous...I care about things...etc. Stupid higher-ed microcosm and design school just makes me feel about two inches tall.
Wow, I just realized I am full of contradictions and paradoxes - similar to Henri Lefebvre's "everyday". Damn you Arch 130.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sreepy
I slept 16 hours yesterday, but I'm still about to fall asleep at 2am, because those 16 hours were supposed to make up for a week's worth of sleep deprivation. Ughhh. It doesn't help that everyone else is dropping like flies too. I should have gone to studio to work but I am hoping that this helps my back out.
I'm trying to prioritize my health and well-being a little bit more, but nobody at home is really able to help me with my design decisions, of which there are a million to make. Everyone always wonders why I suck at deciding what I even want to eat but I'm pretty sure it's cause I make a zillion decisions each day and I am just tired of making them. Also, it's food and I eat it all the time so it doesn't matter much what I eat - I'll get a chance to eat something differente in a few hours.
I wonder where my sketchbook is. I hope it's happy and warm and that I didn't write anything too mean about anyone in it.
PS - I started using Pandora today. Its Vista widget crashed my computer, but after turning it off I haven't had any problems. I have figured out that I like Moby's stuff from the late 90s/early 2000s a lot.
I'm trying to prioritize my health and well-being a little bit more, but nobody at home is really able to help me with my design decisions, of which there are a million to make. Everyone always wonders why I suck at deciding what I even want to eat but I'm pretty sure it's cause I make a zillion decisions each day and I am just tired of making them. Also, it's food and I eat it all the time so it doesn't matter much what I eat - I'll get a chance to eat something differente in a few hours.
I wonder where my sketchbook is. I hope it's happy and warm and that I didn't write anything too mean about anyone in it.
PS - I started using Pandora today. Its Vista widget crashed my computer, but after turning it off I haven't had any problems. I have figured out that I like Moby's stuff from the late 90s/early 2000s a lot.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Just Do It
Someone needs to follow me around all the time and say "Katiez, just f*ing do it." I try to be more efficient w/my time and I only end up wasting it; I should have just done things the "longer" way and been done with it.
But my back...it hurts SO MUCH from sitting on studio chairs. If I bend over it hurts. If i walk it hurts. If i sit on most things, it hurts. THe doctor will tell me to stop sitting so much, and on a better chair, and to exercise more. The only one of those things I can do is go buy a new chair at Ikea, I guess.
But my back...it hurts SO MUCH from sitting on studio chairs. If I bend over it hurts. If i walk it hurts. If i sit on most things, it hurts. THe doctor will tell me to stop sitting so much, and on a better chair, and to exercise more. The only one of those things I can do is go buy a new chair at Ikea, I guess.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
All you need is love
I was looking through someone's wedding photos on facebook and they almost moved me to tears. Whenever I get married I don't want the big fairytale princess wedding or dinner at the Hilton. I want something small and filled with friends and family (which...is actually pretty big. hmm. I'll have to reconcile that.) and simplicity. Not a hoe-down at the farm though. And it will be brimming with love, rather than parade. Not just love between me and my spouse but love between all of us...
Seems pretty obvious, but after years of TLC and Style Network shows on wedding preparations, I'd begun to think that weddings were about something else altoghether. I thought I'd like to get married in some cool looking place, like a pretty beach, or Venice, or Spain, or someplace I've never been but always wanted to go. THat way I could a) travel and b) associate that place with an incredible memory. But really...if I can't have that WITH all of the people who love and support me, then it's not worth it.
Why am I even thinking about this...I need to be making a building...and I don't even have anyone to date, let alone marry. *Entering land where I remember that my mother was engaged before she graduated from college and I am graduating in 3 months...*
Seems pretty obvious, but after years of TLC and Style Network shows on wedding preparations, I'd begun to think that weddings were about something else altoghether. I thought I'd like to get married in some cool looking place, like a pretty beach, or Venice, or Spain, or someplace I've never been but always wanted to go. THat way I could a) travel and b) associate that place with an incredible memory. But really...if I can't have that WITH all of the people who love and support me, then it's not worth it.
Why am I even thinking about this...I need to be making a building...and I don't even have anyone to date, let alone marry. *Entering land where I remember that my mother was engaged before she graduated from college and I am graduating in 3 months...*
Friday, February 20, 2009
Secret
Here's something I'm not sure I should be saying publicly:
I think I might want to be an architect after all.
This studio is the HARDEST thing I've done in college but it is also one of the most rewarding things. Perhaps I am a masochist. But I am really starting to like designing again. Whether or not I can see myself doing this as a serious career, I'm not sure yet. I still wonder...am I romanticizing the profession? Cause I definitely could be. And I can't help but wonder: if I do go into architecture, will I regret not givign planning a proper try? Part of me also says I shouldn't pursue architecture because I didn't take classes that will get me into grad school. But I hear the portfolio is the thing that really gets you in. (I don't have a good one...but...I could probably get some help with that, right?).
AHH.
This is a bad time to have an identity crisis.
Must must must focus on studio work.
Because I need to do well in this regardless of what I do.
Giada and her huge mouth is making bollito misto. mmmm. Perhaps I'll just move back to Italy and marry an Italian man and become BFF with his mamma. Except she'll hate me cause I'm not Italian, so that will probably not work well...
I think I might want to be an architect after all.
This studio is the HARDEST thing I've done in college but it is also one of the most rewarding things. Perhaps I am a masochist. But I am really starting to like designing again. Whether or not I can see myself doing this as a serious career, I'm not sure yet. I still wonder...am I romanticizing the profession? Cause I definitely could be. And I can't help but wonder: if I do go into architecture, will I regret not givign planning a proper try? Part of me also says I shouldn't pursue architecture because I didn't take classes that will get me into grad school. But I hear the portfolio is the thing that really gets you in. (I don't have a good one...but...I could probably get some help with that, right?).
AHH.
This is a bad time to have an identity crisis.
Must must must focus on studio work.
Because I need to do well in this regardless of what I do.
Giada and her huge mouth is making bollito misto. mmmm. Perhaps I'll just move back to Italy and marry an Italian man and become BFF with his mamma. Except she'll hate me cause I'm not Italian, so that will probably not work well...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Chronofile
My arch theory + criticism prof talked about Buckminster Fuller's chronofile today - he basically kept every piece of correspondence, reciept, pamplet, etc etc that he had for a number of years - all of the stuff he called "ephemera". It's been described as a great tool for seeing how the designer lived and his ideas, but I have to wonder: does it capture the important parts of his experience?
I got thinking about this because I have a penchant for keeping ticket stubs, maps, handouts, flyers, etc much more so than I should. Every few years I throw most of it out though, forcing myself to let all the "important" pieces stay - provided they fit into one box. It's a good way of purging before I move. But do those things really get into how I lived and what I thought? And would there be a better way of chronolizing my life??
All of the "ephemera" is, in my case, capable of being highly misleading. If I want to forget something that I did or decide that this concert I attended would not send the right message to anyone going through my box of stuff, I'll probably get rid of it. It is, as much as anything else I have, another way of selectively presenting my experiences to the world. It's the same reason why customizing my binder in high school was so important and yet so difficult - I had to acquire enough clippings and photos that showed me as having cool-but-obscure interests, good taste in tv/men/music, and most importantly, lots of close friends that adore me.
Now if I decided to keep absolutely everything like Fuller did, maybe this would be different. It could serve as a tool for SELF-analysis: now that I can see everything that the world would consider as evidence of my existence, does my inner image match my outer image? (But which would I need to change to get them to match?) As a tool for historians and others to analyze my ideas though...I still am not convinced that it would do a very good job.
What about photography? I chose snapshots as the primary way of documenting my semester abroad, taking over 3500 photos in the process. Most of them don't mean much to anyone though; to me, they are capable of bringing up memories that fade in my mind as well as finding new things that blended into the background while I was there, but are now of interest to me. I failed to document most of the PEOPLE I was with though (human subjects always make me shy) and those are the things that made up the bulk of my time there...
I think a combination of word and image is best, but I rarely take the time to combine the two and synthesize my experiences. I have great ideas for short essays and reflections while I'm walking but I rarely remember them by the time I get to a place where I can type/write/draw...I should work on this.
I got thinking about this because I have a penchant for keeping ticket stubs, maps, handouts, flyers, etc much more so than I should. Every few years I throw most of it out though, forcing myself to let all the "important" pieces stay - provided they fit into one box. It's a good way of purging before I move. But do those things really get into how I lived and what I thought? And would there be a better way of chronolizing my life??
All of the "ephemera" is, in my case, capable of being highly misleading. If I want to forget something that I did or decide that this concert I attended would not send the right message to anyone going through my box of stuff, I'll probably get rid of it. It is, as much as anything else I have, another way of selectively presenting my experiences to the world. It's the same reason why customizing my binder in high school was so important and yet so difficult - I had to acquire enough clippings and photos that showed me as having cool-but-obscure interests, good taste in tv/men/music, and most importantly, lots of close friends that adore me.
Now if I decided to keep absolutely everything like Fuller did, maybe this would be different. It could serve as a tool for SELF-analysis: now that I can see everything that the world would consider as evidence of my existence, does my inner image match my outer image? (But which would I need to change to get them to match?) As a tool for historians and others to analyze my ideas though...I still am not convinced that it would do a very good job.
What about photography? I chose snapshots as the primary way of documenting my semester abroad, taking over 3500 photos in the process. Most of them don't mean much to anyone though; to me, they are capable of bringing up memories that fade in my mind as well as finding new things that blended into the background while I was there, but are now of interest to me. I failed to document most of the PEOPLE I was with though (human subjects always make me shy) and those are the things that made up the bulk of my time there...
I think a combination of word and image is best, but I rarely take the time to combine the two and synthesize my experiences. I have great ideas for short essays and reflections while I'm walking but I rarely remember them by the time I get to a place where I can type/write/draw...I should work on this.
Monday, February 16, 2009
status updates
Facebook status updates are something that sometimes just reflect what I'm up to at the moment, but usually have an inflection of my tone/mood for the day. And sometimes I spend way too much time thinking about the statement that I'm sending with it: do I want to tell one person something, or do I want to tell everyone something, or do I want everyone to know I'm telling one person something? Do I want to provoke inquiries into my life, invite some pity, and throw out a feeler to see just who is paying attention to me?
In all reality nobody really cares what I'm doing but I fancy the idea of them caring so I have to craft it in a way that makes someone care, or at least makes me feel clever. And then there are the times where I get to a place where I can't talk to any of the people I want to say things to and spend a lot of time actively censoring myself.
Katiez...
...is sorry she is selfish.
...is disappointed with what she's done with this year and sorry she's let so many people down.
...is most disappointed that people don't even realize their unmet potential.
...fought her instinct to be motherly toward her friends and won.
...is ashamed that she chose to leave. But can't handle you.
...feels like she's living in parallel realities from one day to the next.
...wishes that there was something there.
...misses life one and two years ago.
...is engaged in several acts of self-preservation.
...needs a therapist now, not on the good and boring days.
...is scared because she's lacking that fire.
...is scared because there seem to be no big prospects for her life.
...also thinks its ridiculous that she feels that way when she should really be brimming with possibilities.
...just wants to scream at you.
...knows that she's frustrated because of differences in maturity levels.
...is anxious over all the stuff she's gonna have to do if she really did lose her phone.
...hopes you read this.
In all reality nobody really cares what I'm doing but I fancy the idea of them caring so I have to craft it in a way that makes someone care, or at least makes me feel clever. And then there are the times where I get to a place where I can't talk to any of the people I want to say things to and spend a lot of time actively censoring myself.
Katiez...
...is sorry she is selfish.
...is disappointed with what she's done with this year and sorry she's let so many people down.
...is most disappointed that people don't even realize their unmet potential.
...fought her instinct to be motherly toward her friends and won.
...is ashamed that she chose to leave. But can't handle you.
...feels like she's living in parallel realities from one day to the next.
...wishes that there was something there.
...misses life one and two years ago.
...is engaged in several acts of self-preservation.
...needs a therapist now, not on the good and boring days.
...is scared because she's lacking that fire.
...is scared because there seem to be no big prospects for her life.
...also thinks its ridiculous that she feels that way when she should really be brimming with possibilities.
...just wants to scream at you.
...knows that she's frustrated because of differences in maturity levels.
...is anxious over all the stuff she's gonna have to do if she really did lose her phone.
...hopes you read this.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Dinner Date
I'll buy you dinner if you help me cut out my stuff tonight. No really. I've got a ton of cutting to do and it's really easy...just takes me a while.
On the topic of food:
1. Safeway's cheese risotto boxed stuff is DELICIOUS. I made 3 meals out of that and some asparagus and a tomato. omnomnom
2. I've pretty much given up on coffee. It just makes me extra anxious and I don't like being a part of the coffee commodities supply chain... Now tea on the other hand....or Coca Cola...that's another story.
3. My roomie made the best heart cookies last night!!
This is what I have in studio as far as food goes:
1 Fruit snacks (thanks brianz/ryan)
1 Bag organic semisweet choco chips
2 1L SmartWaters
2 cans of Campbell's chicken noodle "healthy request"
6 packets EASY MAC (ugh)
1 Bag toasted ritz: garlic & mozzerella
3 Oranges (I wish they were blood oranges tho)
various snack sized 100 calorie packs of chips and cookies
1 VitaminWater (energy)
1 VitaminWater (essential)
2 slices of bread
1 prepackaged celery/carrot/tomato combo
1 box green tea
1 nutrigrain bar
1/2 bag trail mix
It's an excessive amount of packaging but it's relatively nutritious and not susceptible to spoilage, so yay me!
Now that I've made a list that doesn't stress me out, I can begin working on my stuff again.
On the topic of food:
1. Safeway's cheese risotto boxed stuff is DELICIOUS. I made 3 meals out of that and some asparagus and a tomato. omnomnom
2. I've pretty much given up on coffee. It just makes me extra anxious and I don't like being a part of the coffee commodities supply chain... Now tea on the other hand....or Coca Cola...that's another story.
3. My roomie made the best heart cookies last night!!
This is what I have in studio as far as food goes:
1 Fruit snacks (thanks brianz/ryan)
1 Bag organic semisweet choco chips
2 1L SmartWaters
2 cans of Campbell's chicken noodle "healthy request"
6 packets EASY MAC (ugh)
1 Bag toasted ritz: garlic & mozzerella
3 Oranges (I wish they were blood oranges tho)
various snack sized 100 calorie packs of chips and cookies
1 VitaminWater (energy)
1 VitaminWater (essential)
2 slices of bread
1 prepackaged celery/carrot/tomato combo
1 box green tea
1 nutrigrain bar
1/2 bag trail mix
It's an excessive amount of packaging but it's relatively nutritious and not susceptible to spoilage, so yay me!
Now that I've made a list that doesn't stress me out, I can begin working on my stuff again.
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