I've realized that I am terrible at being honest about what I'm really feeling and communicating it to people. For the most part I am okay at it but I also hold a lot back because I was pretty much raised to think twice (or four times) before opening my mouth, to consider the consequences, other people's feelings, etc. And generally that's a good idea -- people w/o filters can do a lot of damage and hurt a lot of feelings. (Case in point: Thursday night at Skates.)
However...it means I hold a lot back that should probably be said, too. Instead, I'll tell everyone but the person I should be talking to. Eventually I tell the person what needs to be said, but I apparently crave perspective and approval from other sources, and I know that if I am doing something that I don't feel comfortable telling to my close friends, then it is a bad decision and I should stop.
Lately though I seem to be doing (or not doing, as the case may be) a lot of things that I don't disclose to my confidants. Oddly enough, their disapproval isn't going to come because I'm making bad decisions...but because I'm letting someone else make bad decisions that are going to end up hurting me in the end. My rational mind knows this. But there's something that makes me forget all that...and I can't figure out if it's because I want things to work out, or if I'm just kind of giving up on my life at this particular moment. I wouldn't say I'm settling but I can hear my mother telling me I deserve so much more than limbo-land.
God, I'm screwed up. We're all screwed up. I miss the clarity in my life that comes with a singlemindedness that comes from academia. Well, as a friend once mentioned, I guess I am taking comfort in knowing I have miles and miles of shit to learn and grow still.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Helpful anti-study aid: own a DVR.
I'm catching up on Grey's Anatomy on our DVR rather than study today.
Originally I thought the Hunt/Christina storyline was pretty lame but it's grown on me...in that it is incredibly tragic and compelling. Props to him for realizing that he is way too screwed up to be any good for her, even if he loves her...the last guy didn't know how to man up to that kind of shit. Well, they also had to write him off the show ASAP but that's a different story I guess. Despite the fact that I would like to consider myself to be far more capable of showing emotion, the character I usually identify best with is Christina...mostly because I'm no dark and twisty Meredith and I'm no gorgeous Izzie. Or maybe it's cause I wish I was smart and talented and had hair like hers. Or maybe it's just cause she's asian? At any rate, that really sucks for Christina to have fallen for someone who isn't able to treat her the way she should be treated...hey maybe I identify with her because that's how my life is too.
wait wait whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...I just saw the end of the season finale whoaaaaaaaaa. I just cried. I don't wanna give it away though. So I'm ending here.
Originally I thought the Hunt/Christina storyline was pretty lame but it's grown on me...in that it is incredibly tragic and compelling. Props to him for realizing that he is way too screwed up to be any good for her, even if he loves her...the last guy didn't know how to man up to that kind of shit. Well, they also had to write him off the show ASAP but that's a different story I guess. Despite the fact that I would like to consider myself to be far more capable of showing emotion, the character I usually identify best with is Christina...mostly because I'm no dark and twisty Meredith and I'm no gorgeous Izzie. Or maybe it's cause I wish I was smart and talented and had hair like hers. Or maybe it's just cause she's asian? At any rate, that really sucks for Christina to have fallen for someone who isn't able to treat her the way she should be treated...hey maybe I identify with her because that's how my life is too.
wait wait whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...I just saw the end of the season finale whoaaaaaaaaa. I just cried. I don't wanna give it away though. So I'm ending here.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Studio: The Aftermath
I've got so many things to write about and process so this is going to be a very fragmented post.
I'll start with a report on Monday: I had the best studio review of my LIFE. Or at least of this semester. I got a really good conversation out of everything and all three of my perspectives generated a lot of talk. My professor said that he would actually WANT to be inside my building if he saw it on the street. My "aunt" was impressed with my stuff too and that was really exciting since I have never allowed her to see my work for fear of her realizing that I am a fraud. Because in the world of architecture, I often feel like I'm just a fraud trying to get by in an environment that I (still) don't know much about. Sigh.
So that was all fine and dandy and I was loving life, feeling like I owned my world (and god what a long time it's been since that's happened) when in the middle of a review I get a call from the Japantown Task Force to inform me that apparently the funding for my job HASN'T come through and so I now no longer have a job. Three weeks before I am supposed tos tart the damn position and they tell me this. I am in disbelief and shock still. And I am very mad for so many reasons -- a major one being that a lot of the jobs and internships that I was looking at had their deadlines 2-3 weeks ago. NOW WHAT THE EFF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???
More importantly, not having a job turns the whole rest of my life UPSIDE DOWN. Am I going to have to move home? I really hope not -- because going back to Nipomo is almost more than I think I can handle. I get wanting to save money, etc -- but how am I supposed to job hunt in Nipas? THere's NOTHING there. I don't even have a car. And then there is my dream of living in San Francisco. Also, I'm not ready to leave berkeley yet -- so SF was going to be a good transition space for me. And then there is the whole other question of what is going to happen with my personal life.
Ah the personal life...yeah...I don't know what is up with that right now. But if I have to move home then it's all kind of a moot point I guess. The bitter side of me would like to blame things ending on having been fired before I even started this job, but the rational side knows better...
Anyways, all this SHIT has been swimming around in my head.
And then there's the fact that I havent done the rest of my work.
And then there's the fact that I won't see my studio-mates ever again all together. As I was riding BART back from our dinner that we had with our professor in SF, I pondered this and I pondered what wonderfully amazing mess would become of all of us. I could see people becoming professors, famously amazing architects, designers of other sorts, organic farmers, clothing designers, etc etc. Even those of us that go on to a decade or so of mediocrity in architecture would be accomplishing something. Our studio was the most diverse and creative group of people I've ever had the priveledge of working with, and I am so sad that I will no longer be sharing my nights with them. Will I miss all the work involved? Not a ton...but unlike past studios, I don't get to go back to hanging out with my non-studio friends..no...i get to move onto what should be something bigger and better, but currently seems to only be bigger. And scarier.
Tonight's studio reflection was obviously compounded by the memorable-but-not-quite-epic studio party that we had last night. It was a MUCH NEEDED night to let out all of the stress and frustration of the semester. Don't worry, we (mostly) kept it classy...if you don't include the fact that the cops showed up ahaha. In all seriousness, it was really nice to go out and have fun and DANCE and get a little tipsy (but not out of control) and flirt a little bit and not be with "the boy" as Daniella calls him.
I don't think I've blogged about that character too much since I try not to blog about other people. However, I also find writing is an effective way to work out what's going on in my head and in my life. In a nutshell, I'm obviously confused and so is the other party so things just aren't going well. Pretending things aren't awkward gets me nowhere but lately I've been to exhausted to really bring anything up. I don't know why I always let myself give away the upper hand and leave everything up to the guy. This has rarely worked out well for me in the end -- it just leaves me disappointed and hurt or, conversely, frustrated and angry to the point where I just don't want to have anything to do with it. A sense of having been wronged is growing within me -- or rather, I'm realizing that I am not being treated fairly. I have yet to say anything about it though, because my father says that I need to lower my standards for people. I don't think I demand the world though...just because I want the moon and the stars doesn't mean I think I'll actually get it, either.
Oh gosh this has just degenerated into several cryptic thoughts strung together. I think I'll write the rest of this one out by myself.
Oh man here's a random and terrifying thought I just had: It's a known fact that less than half of berkeley architecture undergrads actually go on to be architects. It's also a known fact that surviving studio and the architecture profession (even as an upper middle-class white protestant male) is no easy task. Many of my friends have given up on the idea of becoming an architect. The scary thing I have to ask is this: are all occupations/professions/pursuits as difficult as architecture? We always get mad props for being absolutely insane and stying up all the time at Cal, but I think that becoming an architect is easier than going through med school and various other professional degrees...but now that I think about it some more...I really am not so sure if architecture is a harder thing to pursue than any other occupation. This scares the shit out of me on many levels, the first being that maybe this means I am just lazy.
Sigh. Okay. I'm going to watch some TV for the first time in a while and neglect school for another day.
I'll start with a report on Monday: I had the best studio review of my LIFE. Or at least of this semester. I got a really good conversation out of everything and all three of my perspectives generated a lot of talk. My professor said that he would actually WANT to be inside my building if he saw it on the street. My "aunt" was impressed with my stuff too and that was really exciting since I have never allowed her to see my work for fear of her realizing that I am a fraud. Because in the world of architecture, I often feel like I'm just a fraud trying to get by in an environment that I (still) don't know much about. Sigh.
So that was all fine and dandy and I was loving life, feeling like I owned my world (and god what a long time it's been since that's happened) when in the middle of a review I get a call from the Japantown Task Force to inform me that apparently the funding for my job HASN'T come through and so I now no longer have a job. Three weeks before I am supposed tos tart the damn position and they tell me this. I am in disbelief and shock still. And I am very mad for so many reasons -- a major one being that a lot of the jobs and internships that I was looking at had their deadlines 2-3 weeks ago. NOW WHAT THE EFF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???
More importantly, not having a job turns the whole rest of my life UPSIDE DOWN. Am I going to have to move home? I really hope not -- because going back to Nipomo is almost more than I think I can handle. I get wanting to save money, etc -- but how am I supposed to job hunt in Nipas? THere's NOTHING there. I don't even have a car. And then there is my dream of living in San Francisco. Also, I'm not ready to leave berkeley yet -- so SF was going to be a good transition space for me. And then there is the whole other question of what is going to happen with my personal life.
Ah the personal life...yeah...I don't know what is up with that right now. But if I have to move home then it's all kind of a moot point I guess. The bitter side of me would like to blame things ending on having been fired before I even started this job, but the rational side knows better...
Anyways, all this SHIT has been swimming around in my head.
And then there's the fact that I havent done the rest of my work.
And then there's the fact that I won't see my studio-mates ever again all together. As I was riding BART back from our dinner that we had with our professor in SF, I pondered this and I pondered what wonderfully amazing mess would become of all of us. I could see people becoming professors, famously amazing architects, designers of other sorts, organic farmers, clothing designers, etc etc. Even those of us that go on to a decade or so of mediocrity in architecture would be accomplishing something. Our studio was the most diverse and creative group of people I've ever had the priveledge of working with, and I am so sad that I will no longer be sharing my nights with them. Will I miss all the work involved? Not a ton...but unlike past studios, I don't get to go back to hanging out with my non-studio friends..no...i get to move onto what should be something bigger and better, but currently seems to only be bigger. And scarier.
Tonight's studio reflection was obviously compounded by the memorable-but-not-quite-epic studio party that we had last night. It was a MUCH NEEDED night to let out all of the stress and frustration of the semester. Don't worry, we (mostly) kept it classy...if you don't include the fact that the cops showed up ahaha. In all seriousness, it was really nice to go out and have fun and DANCE and get a little tipsy (but not out of control) and flirt a little bit and not be with "the boy" as Daniella calls him.
I don't think I've blogged about that character too much since I try not to blog about other people. However, I also find writing is an effective way to work out what's going on in my head and in my life. In a nutshell, I'm obviously confused and so is the other party so things just aren't going well. Pretending things aren't awkward gets me nowhere but lately I've been to exhausted to really bring anything up. I don't know why I always let myself give away the upper hand and leave everything up to the guy. This has rarely worked out well for me in the end -- it just leaves me disappointed and hurt or, conversely, frustrated and angry to the point where I just don't want to have anything to do with it. A sense of having been wronged is growing within me -- or rather, I'm realizing that I am not being treated fairly. I have yet to say anything about it though, because my father says that I need to lower my standards for people. I don't think I demand the world though...just because I want the moon and the stars doesn't mean I think I'll actually get it, either.
Oh gosh this has just degenerated into several cryptic thoughts strung together. I think I'll write the rest of this one out by myself.
Oh man here's a random and terrifying thought I just had: It's a known fact that less than half of berkeley architecture undergrads actually go on to be architects. It's also a known fact that surviving studio and the architecture profession (even as an upper middle-class white protestant male) is no easy task. Many of my friends have given up on the idea of becoming an architect. The scary thing I have to ask is this: are all occupations/professions/pursuits as difficult as architecture? We always get mad props for being absolutely insane and stying up all the time at Cal, but I think that becoming an architect is easier than going through med school and various other professional degrees...but now that I think about it some more...I really am not so sure if architecture is a harder thing to pursue than any other occupation. This scares the shit out of me on many levels, the first being that maybe this means I am just lazy.
Sigh. Okay. I'm going to watch some TV for the first time in a while and neglect school for another day.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Nerdy Architectural Thought of the Hour
I think I know why Rem Koolhaas' book was entitled DELIRIOUS NEW YORK.
Clearly, he never got any sleep due to architecture, and thus he expereinced much of it while in a delirious state. DUH.
The fact that I thought this was not silly was enough to make me post it. On second thought though...I think I am the delirious one at this point in time.
How is it 4am?
2.5 hours to finish model so i can shower??
Its times like these that I want to say FML.
Clearly, he never got any sleep due to architecture, and thus he expereinced much of it while in a delirious state. DUH.
The fact that I thought this was not silly was enough to make me post it. On second thought though...I think I am the delirious one at this point in time.
How is it 4am?
2.5 hours to finish model so i can shower??
Its times like these that I want to say FML.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Oh Studio.....
I am 14 hours from being DONE WITH STUDIO. WOOOO! We are discussing our past studios a bit as we frantically try to get shit done.
"She left us up shit creek without a paddle" - D re: his 11b GSI.
It makes me seriously question the education we've gotten.
In other news... I AM GOING TO HAWAII AT THE END OF MAY!!!! I pretty much cried when I found out that I am actually going. It was a very good surprise considering the weekend I am having. Wanna come? Book a ticket and I'll see you thereeeeeee
14 HOURS TO FREEEDOMMMMM
"She left us up shit creek without a paddle" - D re: his 11b GSI.
It makes me seriously question the education we've gotten.
In other news... I AM GOING TO HAWAII AT THE END OF MAY!!!! I pretty much cried when I found out that I am actually going. It was a very good surprise considering the weekend I am having. Wanna come? Book a ticket and I'll see you thereeeeeee
14 HOURS TO FREEEDOMMMMM
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