I've been panicking this past week because I don't know if I like the direction my life is going in: I have two semesters of school left, one presidency, one relationship, and one degree to earn. So what do I want to throw my efforts into? I don't know 100% yet but I figure concrete goals are always a good place to start. Create and adjust, right? So here goes:
1. Graduate with a 3.6 GPA.
I haven't figured it out exactly but I think I have a 3.5 after my EAP grades come in, and I read that the average MCP student at Cal had a 3.6 as an undergrad. UCLA doesn't list their average, but Cal's ranked higher so I might as well aim high. I think that, if I plan my classes right and REALLY buckle down..I can do this. Sub-goal: qualify myself for MCP/MUP school, even if I don't plan on applying for like five years.
2. Make $450/month
Sadly, this used to be my rent. It's gone up a lot though. If I work 10 hours a week at $12/hour, I can do this...even if I only make $300/month, it is more than I have been making during school. And, I would like for this employment to be at a CBO in Japantown, or related to City Planning. Hmmm.
3. Finish moving in
It's been driving me crazy to be so disorganized! To retrieve from home: printer, dresser, tape measure, bolts for the couch.
4. Do laundry better.
As in, do it more often. I don't do it because the machines are shitty and expensive in my building, and I haven't got a drying rack. So: buy a drying rack. Maybe invest in a new iron.
5. Wear less make-up.
I don't mind having to wear it in the morning but I do mind the fact that I now think my bare face looks sad and tired all the time. A lifestyle change, rather than covering my face up, is what I am going for. Especially my eyes. All this stress...
6. Visit my great grandfather before thanksgiving.
He is sick.
7. Invest time in culture show.
Pretty self-explanitory.
8. Find Italian-speaking friends/opportunities.
I miss it like CRAZY. Unlike my chinese-, japanese-, and spanish-speaking friends....an Italian-speaking sub-culture doesn't really exist in this part of America.
9. Work on my relationships: communication.
It's something I am never good at but the benefits are worth the effort.
None of these are really in any order. I am actually surprised. The first goal is the only one that immediately stood out to me (hence it being first). I haven't been this serious about academics in a very long time. I started Cal with the goal of graduating with a 3.0!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Busy is the word
It's the word that can encompass my whole summer.
I'm not really thrilled about it. I know, I know...I busied myself up before even coming home because I didn't want to be too Italy-sick. And I didn't want to be too bored. And I wanted to be productive. And I wanted to get back into my community. I KNOW. And most of that still holds true.
But I also wanted spontaneous life time. And I want to reconnect w/people who, even though we are (mostly) in the same state, still feel a million miles away. And no matter how busy I am I still catch myself missing Italy, missing my family, and missing life as it once was. I still find myself bored by youtube and boundless internet, too.
So yeah, I am busy and it's my fault so I shouldn't be complaining about it at all. But here I am...trying, like always, to have it all. When will I ever learn???
On top of having a TON of work stuff to do this week (last week was, comparatively, slow) I've got:
Youth Advisory Committee for NFLP (project funded by CCLPEP grant)
NSU (some people are really hard to track down)
Family things
Obons & festivals almost every weekend
All the weekend stuff associated with work
Trying to set up an NSU meetup in LA
Trying to set up an NCI chillout in East Bay
Laundry (it takes so much longer to do here, for some reason)
Grocery shopping (with what money????)
No appetite
No money
etccccccccccccc
Well. Let's see if I can organize my life. I need to quit things. I need to not sign up for 22 units. I need to prioritize, because my priorities have definitely changed (hopefully for the better). I need to balance needs and wants, and I want to do that all while still feeling like life is amazing. Man, i really admire all those OGs that managed to do as much as they could. How does one be a good sister, daughter, granddaughter, friend, gf, employee, worker, roomie, leader, activist, representative, "role model", and citizen? And what does good mean????
I'm not really thrilled about it. I know, I know...I busied myself up before even coming home because I didn't want to be too Italy-sick. And I didn't want to be too bored. And I wanted to be productive. And I wanted to get back into my community. I KNOW. And most of that still holds true.
But I also wanted spontaneous life time. And I want to reconnect w/people who, even though we are (mostly) in the same state, still feel a million miles away. And no matter how busy I am I still catch myself missing Italy, missing my family, and missing life as it once was. I still find myself bored by youtube and boundless internet, too.
So yeah, I am busy and it's my fault so I shouldn't be complaining about it at all. But here I am...trying, like always, to have it all. When will I ever learn???
On top of having a TON of work stuff to do this week (last week was, comparatively, slow) I've got:
Youth Advisory Committee for NFLP (project funded by CCLPEP grant)
NSU (some people are really hard to track down)
Family things
Obons & festivals almost every weekend
All the weekend stuff associated with work
Trying to set up an NSU meetup in LA
Trying to set up an NCI chillout in East Bay
Laundry (it takes so much longer to do here, for some reason)
Grocery shopping (with what money????)
No appetite
No money
etccccccccccccc
Well. Let's see if I can organize my life. I need to quit things. I need to not sign up for 22 units. I need to prioritize, because my priorities have definitely changed (hopefully for the better). I need to balance needs and wants, and I want to do that all while still feeling like life is amazing. Man, i really admire all those OGs that managed to do as much as they could. How does one be a good sister, daughter, granddaughter, friend, gf, employee, worker, roomie, leader, activist, representative, "role model", and citizen? And what does good mean????
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sort Me Out
My writing has really gotten pretty bad.
--
Something happened in the space of my time
When I got on that flight
and another and another and another
until I thought I'd never be home.
I went to learn, but I forgot
that learning means change and change don't ever stop -
stop shifting and changing and growing close and apart
and before anyone could notice that "me" existed no longer.
No longer "content with the now that i see"
No longer trusting of institutions and guarantees
No longer patient with people who don't do their jobs
No longer okay with being uniform, unassuming, just-like-everyone-else.
And it's funny because in between discussions
About corrupt presidents I couldn't vote for, and insurance that fails a population so much
that a doctor's gotta say "sorry, but you're going to die" to the people who can't afford it (this one really riled me up)
I spent half a year wandering a continent, never really searching
Just absorbing and eating and drinking and singing...
But some how, at "home", the laughter is hidden
Too much is wrong, and there's no time for lunch.
I don't regret that I've changed
and I don't often wish I could go back
I just want you to see me
Happy, sad, angry
Complex, strong, loveable -
Worthy.
And then, please
(i know it's not fair to put my hopes in you)
Wrap me up in a blanket with your ease
And help the misplaced me feel like it's okay.
--
Something happened in the space of my time
When I got on that flight
and another and another and another
until I thought I'd never be home.
I went to learn, but I forgot
that learning means change and change don't ever stop -
stop shifting and changing and growing close and apart
and before anyone could notice that "me" existed no longer.
No longer "content with the now that i see"
No longer trusting of institutions and guarantees
No longer patient with people who don't do their jobs
No longer okay with being uniform, unassuming, just-like-everyone-else.
And it's funny because in between discussions
About corrupt presidents I couldn't vote for, and insurance that fails a population so much
that a doctor's gotta say "sorry, but you're going to die" to the people who can't afford it (this one really riled me up)
I spent half a year wandering a continent, never really searching
Just absorbing and eating and drinking and singing...
But some how, at "home", the laughter is hidden
Too much is wrong, and there's no time for lunch.
I don't regret that I've changed
and I don't often wish I could go back
I just want you to see me
Happy, sad, angry
Complex, strong, loveable -
Worthy.
And then, please
(i know it's not fair to put my hopes in you)
Wrap me up in a blanket with your ease
And help the misplaced me feel like it's okay.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Back to It
Well I think I am back to posting on this blog now that I have been in the states for over 3 weeks.
I'm trying to adjust to being back here. It's all very different. Some of my friends have changed a lot and I can't understand where they are coming from anymore. In some cases it is easier to get along with people I am just meeting here, there are no previous expectations of how my relationship with them is going to be. I know that isn't a nice thing to say because most of my old friends have re-welcomed me back into life. But, I am not as good at adjusting as I thought I was.
I'm going to run myself ragged this summer if I'm not careful. I don't think one person was meant to take on NCI and represent NSU while catching up with family and culture, re-starting life, etc. It doesn't leave me with any "me" time, and I just don't feel like I can do it all anymore.
For some reason I don't feel like I can tell anyone all about the crazy mix of things that are going through my head, heart, and soul at the moment. And that makes me sad.
I'm trying to adjust to being back here. It's all very different. Some of my friends have changed a lot and I can't understand where they are coming from anymore. In some cases it is easier to get along with people I am just meeting here, there are no previous expectations of how my relationship with them is going to be. I know that isn't a nice thing to say because most of my old friends have re-welcomed me back into life. But, I am not as good at adjusting as I thought I was.
I'm going to run myself ragged this summer if I'm not careful. I don't think one person was meant to take on NCI and represent NSU while catching up with family and culture, re-starting life, etc. It doesn't leave me with any "me" time, and I just don't feel like I can do it all anymore.
For some reason I don't feel like I can tell anyone all about the crazy mix of things that are going through my head, heart, and soul at the moment. And that makes me sad.
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