Missing

With each day that passes, I find that there is more that I miss: home, Italy, EAP friends, traveling, summer time, feeling the way I did, the old man who always had a rubber band in his pocket at Kiku Hana to fix our chopsticks up for us (random, i know). I'm reminded of the architect who gave a speech about his work last yar that did one of those giant heart pieces for charity (the public art installments) in San Francisco. He had basically punched as many giant holes as was possible into this heart without it actually physically falling apart.

But there is always more to look forward to, to appreciate, to enjoy: drinks with old friends, the prospect of new ones, NSU, culture show, school, ambitions, the next exquisite meal, festivals, beginnings, and they day when my body finally stops aching. It fills up the holes left behind by all the things that are missing, and I'm filled with the impulse to shove as many things into it to fill the space as possible. (actually...I know...my collective memory and my heart just expand, kind of like the internet, in a limitless fashion...but right now it doesn't feel that way).

I am trying, however, to simply live in the moment again. It's getting to be difficult with school starting though. How does one go about their day without spending too much time thinking (sometimes bitterly and sometimes nostalgically) about what's in the past or, on the other end, scheming and planning too much for the future? Maybe my past has me running too scared of the future, on counting on or planning for too much, but I can't help feeling like I waste too much time planning my tomorrows. Mayhaps if I was focused on my todays...I wouldnt' be up at 1:30am when I have to be on BART at 8:10.

Let's set some GOALS

I've been panicking this past week because I don't know if I like the direction my life is going in: I have two semesters of school left, one presidency, one relationship, and one degree to earn. So what do I want to throw my efforts into? I don't know 100% yet but I figure concrete goals are always a good place to start. Create and adjust, right? So here goes:

1. Graduate with a 3.6 GPA.
I haven't figured it out exactly but I think I have a 3.5 after my EAP grades come in, and I read that the average MCP student at Cal had a 3.6 as an undergrad. UCLA doesn't list their average, but Cal's ranked higher so I might as well aim high. I think that, if I plan my classes right and REALLY buckle down..I can do this. Sub-goal: qualify myself for MCP/MUP school, even if I don't plan on applying for like five years.
2. Make $450/month
Sadly, this used to be my rent. It's gone up a lot though. If I work 10 hours a week at $12/hour, I can do this...even if I only make $300/month, it is more than I have been making during school. And, I would like for this employment to be at a CBO in Japantown, or related to City Planning. Hmmm.
3. Finish moving in
It's been driving me crazy to be so disorganized! To retrieve from home: printer, dresser, tape measure, bolts for the couch.
4. Do laundry better.
As in, do it more often. I don't do it because the machines are shitty and expensive in my building, and I haven't got a drying rack. So: buy a drying rack. Maybe invest in a new iron.
5. Wear less make-up.
I don't mind having to wear it in the morning but I do mind the fact that I now think my bare face looks sad and tired all the time. A lifestyle change, rather than covering my face up, is what I am going for. Especially my eyes. All this stress...
6. Visit my great grandfather before thanksgiving.
He is sick.
7. Invest time in culture show.
Pretty self-explanitory.
8. Find Italian-speaking friends/opportunities.
I miss it like CRAZY. Unlike my chinese-, japanese-, and spanish-speaking friends....an Italian-speaking sub-culture doesn't really exist in this part of America.
9. Work on my relationships: communication.
It's something I am never good at but the benefits are worth the effort.




None of these are really in any order. I am actually surprised. The first goal is the only one that immediately stood out to me (hence it being first). I haven't been this serious about academics in a very long time. I started Cal with the goal of graduating with a 3.0!

Busy is the word

It's the word that can encompass my whole summer.

I'm not really thrilled about it. I know, I know...I busied myself up before even coming home because I didn't want to be too Italy-sick. And I didn't want to be too bored. And I wanted to be productive. And I wanted to get back into my community. I KNOW. And most of that still holds true.

But I also wanted spontaneous life time. And I want to reconnect w/people who, even though we are (mostly) in the same state, still feel a million miles away. And no matter how busy I am I still catch myself missing Italy, missing my family, and missing life as it once was. I still find myself bored by youtube and boundless internet, too.

So yeah, I am busy and it's my fault so I shouldn't be complaining about it at all. But here I am...trying, like always, to have it all. When will I ever learn???

On top of having a TON of work stuff to do this week (last week was, comparatively, slow) I've got:
Youth Advisory Committee for NFLP (project funded by CCLPEP grant)
NSU (some people are really hard to track down)
Family things
Obons & festivals almost every weekend
All the weekend stuff associated with work
Trying to set up an NSU meetup in LA
Trying to set up an NCI chillout in East Bay
Laundry (it takes so much longer to do here, for some reason)
Grocery shopping (with what money????)
No appetite
No money
etccccccccccccc

Well. Let's see if I can organize my life. I need to quit things. I need to not sign up for 22 units. I need to prioritize, because my priorities have definitely changed (hopefully for the better). I need to balance needs and wants, and I want to do that all while still feeling like life is amazing. Man, i really admire all those OGs that managed to do as much as they could. How does one be a good sister, daughter, granddaughter, friend, gf, employee, worker, roomie, leader, activist, representative, "role model", and citizen? And what does good mean????

Sort Me Out

My writing has really gotten pretty bad.

--

Something happened in the space of my time
When I got on that flight
and another and another and another
until I thought I'd never be home.

I went to learn, but I forgot
that learning means change and change don't ever stop -
stop shifting and changing and growing close and apart
and before anyone could notice that "me" existed no longer.

No longer "content with the now that i see"
No longer trusting of institutions and guarantees
No longer patient with people who don't do their jobs
No longer okay with being uniform, unassuming, just-like-everyone-else.

And it's funny because in between discussions
About corrupt presidents I couldn't vote for, and insurance that fails a population so much
that a doctor's gotta say "sorry, but you're going to die" to the people who can't afford it (this one really riled me up)
I spent half a year wandering a continent, never really searching
Just absorbing and eating and drinking and singing...

But some how, at "home", the laughter is hidden
Too much is wrong, and there's no time for lunch.
I don't regret that I've changed
and I don't often wish I could go back

I just want you to see me
Happy, sad, angry
Complex, strong, loveable -
Worthy.

And then, please
(i know it's not fair to put my hopes in you)
Wrap me up in a blanket with your ease
And help the misplaced me feel like it's okay.

Panic Mode

There are 11 days of class left, a trip to SoCal, and Culture Show coming up, so I am in full-on panic mode.

Here's what is running through my mind right now:
-I procastinated on a project that is due at 9:30am because I really REALLY dislike both the prof and the GSI. I know that the only person this hurts is me, but I just had a ridiculously difficult time getting motivated after my main informant fell of the face of the planet.

-I'm tired of people that promise the world and can't deliver. Or rather, people that promise 10000 do-able things so that it turns out that NONE of them are do-able together. I learned my lesson in over-commitment last year and it was a tough thing to learn - I recieved my first (and hopefully last) D/NP as a result. I am not so patient about it anymore, especially with some people that I've watched make the same mistakes over and over again. Sometimes I just want to tell people to get their heads out of their asses...

-For some reason my CAD would let me copy and paste blocks, but once pasted, the block became un-selectable, making me unable to move, rotate, copy, change layer, or even delete! After a couple of save-as tries and lots of internet growling I finally got it to work again. I have no clue why it was doing that, as I had turned on and unlocked all the layers!

-Tomorrow is going to suck majorly (7am to 12pm "out-and-about") but at least I love everyone in CS!

-I think I should disable g-chat. 95% of my conversations on there just lead to more stress and most of my friends are on AIM...but not all of them =/

I should get back to work now. I am going to make a real effort to update this thing on my UCLA trip and Thanksgiving...hopefully by Thursday night. Oh look there I go doing exactly what I hate in other people - not keeping deadlines and knowing full well that I won't as soon as I set them!

random panic-inducing thought of the night

How do I file and pay taxes from abroad??



Why don't they tell you that kind of crap in the UOEAP giant handbook thing? it seems much more important to me than telling me how to access telebears (ie do the same thing you ALWAYS do)......

tuesday evening

Yesterday, I stopped by the APASD Mental Health Forum "Silent Battles", which was interesting on so many levels. There were so many things that I could identify partially with, but not wholly because I am not the typical Asian American. Even though my father was born in Japan, I don't consider him to be an immigrant, probably because he identifies as American first and foremost - and that kind of cultural issue often shapes a lot of AA kids' lives.

There were a lot of other points brought up that really got me thinking about my own life, but due to the fact that I ran off to a core meeting and then dance practice, most of the details are fuzzy again. I was reminded of a friend of mine who's had a lot of issues in her life, and realized that she could benefit from a lot of what was going on. I was also shocked to catch myself thinking of things in my past that I'd forgotten about. I kind of want to see a counselor just to see what I'd remember. But for the most part I cope pretty well with my life, and I don't need to rehash all that's happened in my life at this point in time. At any rate, the event was a lot more meaningful than I had expected it to be!

Other side notes:
+hip hop is fun when you actually know what you're doing!
-No offense to my major advisor, but I really wonder why the university pays you to do (or not do) what you do
+VOICES hoodies are here!
-I am getting the "AHHH PANIC!" feeling because I can't possibly fit all of the city planning related courses that I want in now that I'm going abroad. Italy is the chance of a lifetime and in the long run I'd regret not going to Italy A LOT more than not taking those classes, but still....every thing has its flip side.
-I watched last week's greys anatomy and the meredith monologue that shes gives to christina at the end of the episode.....I can totally relate to it. I hope that does not make me whore-y like her, haha.

Crazy different

That's all I can say about the University of Padova at the moment.

60,000 STUDENTS.
>.<

Plus, it's a biking city. "Your university residence should be no more than 20-25 minutes away by bike." Um, that sounds FAR compared to here. I effing hate riding my bike in Berkeley, so I hope it's more bike-friendly than here.

me = scared shitless
but hopefully not paralyzed.


---
random office quote:
"Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean is she hot?" - Andy
"She's crazy hot." - Crete

Hating Helplessness

First off, I had an amazing birthday. More on that this weekend when I have time to talk about it.


Something I can't get off my mind is all the fires in San Diego & the LA area. One is in Castaic, not too far from my great grandfather's place, but luckily the winds are actually blowing AWAY from his place (and into, I think, Santa Clarita area....bad news).

I have a lot of friends in, from, or with family in San Diego and I'm worried and sad over all of them. Hearing news reports and seeing houses on fire is really heart breaking, and to know that my friends are in pain and in danger has rendered me powerless in all other aspects of my life.

I'm trying to take control of my academic life again (this week has been kind of a fuck-up week in school) because I DO have control over that...but in doing so it makes the feeling of helplessness that much worse. That's one thing I always struggle with from time to time in school: how is a PAPER helping people who need help right now? When my family is going through a crisis, they've always assured me that those papers are important, but I know that sometimes that's not true - they just don't want me to worry and they want me to succeed (plus they made a huge investment in this whole college thing).

So when I went to office hours yesterday and got berated for not having something done, I almost broke down crying due to my frustration with my GSI and the devastation that's happening. I never used to be one of those people who were so moved by natural disasters hundreds or thousands of miles away, but this time it's different...this time I'm different.

The Italian Saga Begins

Forreals, yo!

Yesterday I received my paperwork for my study abroad stuff...to say the least, it is going to be one major pain in the ass. I don't like the EAP website very much, plus I have to go find all these documents that I don't have and get a bunch of shit notarized...ugh. It's another thing (and by thing, I mean fifty things) to add to the list of things I have to get done, which is starting to crush me. Or whatever comes right before crushing. I know my stress hormone levels are going to be elevated until after I get my visa stuff cleared out of the way in a month =(

Then there's the prospect of going about how to live in another country. I need a bunch of shit (I'll classify it all as "travel equiptment") which I can't afford IN ADDITION to the whole social/cultural/linguistic stuff I've been trying to prepare myself with. The whole process makes my head spin just thinking about it...but man I'd kick myself for the rest of my life if I gave up this opportunity.

---
In other things of recent, my buddy group hosted its first "buddy event" last night. I got to cook (I like to cook but I rarely cook good food because it's difficult to cook for one...plus it takes time) and get to know people and hang out in a chill environment. I think that's what I miss most about my recently graduated friends, just hanging out and having one hell of a time. All the orgs and school stuff I'm running around doing are important and fun and interesting, but de-stressing they are not....

Today it was all rainy and gray in the morning (the rain abated in the afternoon) and it's the first day of fall so the poetic whateveritscalled was not lost on me. I didn't really mind it too much though, because as I was walking home with my buzzed friend, the sunset was coming through over the bay. Something about looking west and seeing absolute beauty shine through the clouds, and looking east and seeing the world look dark and menacing but framed in the vibrant reflection of the sun...it's as close to spiritual euphoria as I get. The ephemeral quality probably has a lot to do with it, but at the same time it makes it difficult for me to share that feeling with anyone...which is what I desperately want to do. This is why I can never properly explain how I can claim to love being near the ocean and the beach and the California landscape so much, and yet I don't surf and I don't go hiking and things like that...

This isn't from tonight - I actually took it two years ago from my dorm window - but I didn't have my camera with me today. This was actually on my photobucket site, which I probably haven't looked at since 2005...let's just say there are some memories on there. Some of them are heartbreaking - everyone seems so much more distant now.

Anxiously Energized

A-P-A-C! APAC!

....we've got you're back!

The first APAC meeting of this semester was fun and I'm excited for next week's summit. It was an odd feeling to once again realize that some of the great leaders in APAC and NSU are gone though...Mississippi, Japan, and one on a boat...sigh. Even just people from my year that have different commitments - I miss them. I'm going to the summit with someone else from NSU, but for the first time I'm going to be the "veteran" and I need to be knowledgeable about my org - people will be looking to me for once. Knowing this, I don't know if I'll be able to relax and just be sociable as I want to, especially since I have a large portion of my ethnography project due the day after I get back.

This week is going to be hellish, something tells me I'm not going to sleep much tonight, Wednesday night, and especially not on Thursday night...sadfaces (like my burnt cookies) indeed.

(I made cookies today and I accidentally burnt them and set off my smoke detector. Its LOUD.)