Sort Me Out

My writing has really gotten pretty bad.

--

Something happened in the space of my time
When I got on that flight
and another and another and another
until I thought I'd never be home.

I went to learn, but I forgot
that learning means change and change don't ever stop -
stop shifting and changing and growing close and apart
and before anyone could notice that "me" existed no longer.

No longer "content with the now that i see"
No longer trusting of institutions and guarantees
No longer patient with people who don't do their jobs
No longer okay with being uniform, unassuming, just-like-everyone-else.

And it's funny because in between discussions
About corrupt presidents I couldn't vote for, and insurance that fails a population so much
that a doctor's gotta say "sorry, but you're going to die" to the people who can't afford it (this one really riled me up)
I spent half a year wandering a continent, never really searching
Just absorbing and eating and drinking and singing...

But some how, at "home", the laughter is hidden
Too much is wrong, and there's no time for lunch.
I don't regret that I've changed
and I don't often wish I could go back

I just want you to see me
Happy, sad, angry
Complex, strong, loveable -
Worthy.

And then, please
(i know it's not fair to put my hopes in you)
Wrap me up in a blanket with your ease
And help the misplaced me feel like it's okay.

Back to It

Well I think I am back to posting on this blog now that I have been in the states for over 3 weeks.

I'm trying to adjust to being back here. It's all very different. Some of my friends have changed a lot and I can't understand where they are coming from anymore. In some cases it is easier to get along with people I am just meeting here, there are no previous expectations of how my relationship with them is going to be. I know that isn't a nice thing to say because most of my old friends have re-welcomed me back into life. But, I am not as good at adjusting as I thought I was.

I'm going to run myself ragged this summer if I'm not careful. I don't think one person was meant to take on NCI and represent NSU while catching up with family and culture, re-starting life, etc. It doesn't leave me with any "me" time, and I just don't feel like I can do it all anymore.

For some reason I don't feel like I can tell anyone all about the crazy mix of things that are going through my head, heart, and soul at the moment. And that makes me sad.

lessons in love

I'm lucky enough to know a handful of people who make my heart smile every time I see/talk to them...
But I'm pretty sure that I don't have the same effect on them. And that's....that's that. I can't expect anything more.

I want to tell everyone I care about just how much they mean to me before I leave for Italy, because I know everything will be different when I come back. Just like it was different in December 05 and just like it's so drastically different in Nipomo, with everyone gone and moved away...and god forbid something were to happen to me or them...but something else is holding me back that I just can't pinpoint.

Basically, I will always be a fraidy-cat kind of girl. =/

WAMP WAMP!

silly tv

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight. I kind of hate it. It makes me all emo.

Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.


and sometimes, change is everything.

Sometimes.

Just stab me, why don't you?
Good thing Michael Vartan is hot HAHA.

Twice in SF in as many weeks

Yeah, definitely getting close to a record for me. When I'm in school I don't often go to San Francisco and I take BART to get there even less - up until this year, anyways. (I freakin miss Chris' red Honda...)

At any rate, I made a trip to Daly City tonight to catch a high school friend who was in from out of town. I kind of regret going, and it's not because I had to take Bart/AC Transit back by myself at night, though that did tick off a couple of other people I know. It's partly because I was left out of the loop on the whole decision-making process, meaning I ended up going MUCH later than I thought. Also, while on my way there I saw something that caught me off-guard and made my heart stop a little.

And to top it all off, the one person I wanted to talk to wasn't around when I finally did get home.

On the flip side, I finished my Arch 110 reading for the week. Now I only have like 12 summaries (wtf are we in high school again?), a couple hundred pages of reading for CP 110 and Arch 120, a paper proposal, a chapter of grammar exercises, and a bunch of Italian reading to do...

unfinished summer

time and space...what are they?
It seemed as if both were forgotten
And everything before felt a mistake
This, this is right...now.
But when i woke you had nothing to say
So we wasted the day, avoiding it all
And before I knew it you were gone

I came for closure but left with wounds wide open
Needed answers but only found questions
For such a talented writer, how can you be so quiet?
It makes me feel foolish, to think that I'm just ink for your pen
I wish I didn't believe in you so much
I wish you saw your potential for yourself

Weeks spent, forgetting
Drunken nights and attempts at distraction
Oh god, it's year two all over again
Your memory was everywhere I looked
On the ocean and in my headphones
Even in places you'd never be caught

Don't you see, you're the distraction
It catches me in concrete and in sunshine
I can't get around it, don't spose I ever will
This silence keeps things open
We need a firey explosion
Not this slow drowning in the murky ocean
Decimation instead of desertion

You've done things I didn't understand
Months go by and I'd slowly comprehend
So do this for me now
Fix it all
There's no guilt and no tears
Just a pit of loneliness and misunderstanding
A silly girl, shattered and loosely held together

Watching you sink from afar
I worry and want that much more
Falling into the same mistakes
This dream will never end
Looping over and over again

This isn't the only thing I'd like to see clarified
God knows this metropolis is even foggier than the one I left behind
But nothing else has done this to me
Everything here is a mistake that I make
An unwillingness to progress
Lest I leave your possibility

So take my time and take my space
It doesn't help me anyways