Missing

With each day that passes, I find that there is more that I miss: home, Italy, EAP friends, traveling, summer time, feeling the way I did, the old man who always had a rubber band in his pocket at Kiku Hana to fix our chopsticks up for us (random, i know). I'm reminded of the architect who gave a speech about his work last yar that did one of those giant heart pieces for charity (the public art installments) in San Francisco. He had basically punched as many giant holes as was possible into this heart without it actually physically falling apart.

But there is always more to look forward to, to appreciate, to enjoy: drinks with old friends, the prospect of new ones, NSU, culture show, school, ambitions, the next exquisite meal, festivals, beginnings, and they day when my body finally stops aching. It fills up the holes left behind by all the things that are missing, and I'm filled with the impulse to shove as many things into it to fill the space as possible. (actually...I know...my collective memory and my heart just expand, kind of like the internet, in a limitless fashion...but right now it doesn't feel that way).

I am trying, however, to simply live in the moment again. It's getting to be difficult with school starting though. How does one go about their day without spending too much time thinking (sometimes bitterly and sometimes nostalgically) about what's in the past or, on the other end, scheming and planning too much for the future? Maybe my past has me running too scared of the future, on counting on or planning for too much, but I can't help feeling like I waste too much time planning my tomorrows. Mayhaps if I was focused on my todays...I wouldnt' be up at 1:30am when I have to be on BART at 8:10.

Sort Me Out

My writing has really gotten pretty bad.

--

Something happened in the space of my time
When I got on that flight
and another and another and another
until I thought I'd never be home.

I went to learn, but I forgot
that learning means change and change don't ever stop -
stop shifting and changing and growing close and apart
and before anyone could notice that "me" existed no longer.

No longer "content with the now that i see"
No longer trusting of institutions and guarantees
No longer patient with people who don't do their jobs
No longer okay with being uniform, unassuming, just-like-everyone-else.

And it's funny because in between discussions
About corrupt presidents I couldn't vote for, and insurance that fails a population so much
that a doctor's gotta say "sorry, but you're going to die" to the people who can't afford it (this one really riled me up)
I spent half a year wandering a continent, never really searching
Just absorbing and eating and drinking and singing...

But some how, at "home", the laughter is hidden
Too much is wrong, and there's no time for lunch.
I don't regret that I've changed
and I don't often wish I could go back

I just want you to see me
Happy, sad, angry
Complex, strong, loveable -
Worthy.

And then, please
(i know it's not fair to put my hopes in you)
Wrap me up in a blanket with your ease
And help the misplaced me feel like it's okay.

Perfect Weekend

Today and yesterday, I did not have to wake up to an alarm. I didn't have to be in three places at once, or rush from one thing to the next. I did things in my own time and at my own pace.

It was utterly relaxing, and reminded me of freshman year when I lived in the dorms. Each weekend, the halls would be at their quietest during the mornings, and since nobody else was getting up, you could just take your time and be a little lazy for a while. Enjoy a cup of tea and those dreadful waffles, watch an episode of Arrested Development, or whatever.

I think that the change in pace of life is going to be one of the most beneficial things for me when I go to Italy. I don't want to leave my friends and family at all, but living in a society that isn't busybusybusy and work-obsessed will be nice.

Now, I must rush to get something made for a potluck by 5. sigh.

random panic-inducing thought of the night

How do I file and pay taxes from abroad??



Why don't they tell you that kind of crap in the UOEAP giant handbook thing? it seems much more important to me than telling me how to access telebears (ie do the same thing you ALWAYS do)......

Two Words

RAY'S SUSHI in Hayward. I went there again w/the Furukawa contingency from San Jose tonight for a very belated birthday of sorts. I am so full! Their sashimi is the equivalent of 2-3 slices at a normal place. The sukiyaki was delicious as well - I don't think I've had sukiyaki since freshman year!

Now I'm back in rainy Berkeley and there is absolutely nothing to do because we lost (again) to USC and everyone's trying to get stuff done before all-cast tomorrow =/

I feel like I have a fever

Which in my experience, tells me I don't actually have one. Oddly enough though, I have had zero appetite this afternoon/evening and I think I'm going to bed at like midnight. So I probably am getting sick....sigh. I need a freaking break from school and instead of getting one I just decided to flake out on everything tonight and not even attempt to be productive.

Well, I am planning to buy a train ticket to go home the 20th-24th so I suppose that is productive.

Going home got me thinking about high school friends. I am so very disconnected from so many of them because three years after graduation I've put a tremendous distance (physically and otherwise) between me and a lot of them. Sometimes I wish I was still in contact with some people, even though I know that's not realistic. High school people are thrown together and they're stuck there for four years beacuse their parents had the great idea to settle down in Nipomo of all places. College friends are here because they want to be and there are 30,000 potential friends running around campus, so it's a bit more self selecting. I also feel that no matter how close I get to my friends, they will never understand me because they don't know everyone/anyone from my time at NHS. It's pretty ironic, considering I didn't think I liked high school all that much anyways!

Sigh. I guess I'm still looking for someone who gets me and can understand the many, many sides of me...I guess I'm still looking for someone who will never exist.


I downloaded I-Empire today (got tired of going "I will make it down to the record store *tomorrow*") and I think I've found my new airport soundtrack. That is to say, I really like the record despite the fact that it is far from perfect.

I still find it incredibly amazing that there exists a city where your front door is the water and your car is a canoe.

Semesters are LONG.

That is the basic problem with semesters. I'm doing really well in school (96% on my arch 120 midterm, the highest grade I've ever gotten) and I'm not in the C range for arch 110 (yet). My Italian instructor also commented today that my speaking skills are really good ("why don't you speak up more in class?") and that my analysis of La meglio gioventu` was great..but there is SO MUCH left in terms of school work for the semester =( I need a real breather and I'm not getting one until after December 5th...which seems far away but it'll be here in a flash.

I hope I can keep up...in the mean time I'm gonna attempt to not be lulled into a false sense of security haha.

So that means:
CP 110 Memo 3
Arch 110 Pt. 5
Italian paper (2+ pages)
Italian presentation (15+ minutes - got any suggestions?)
--> will get done in the midst of parties, rallies, meetings, SUPER FUN DAY and city planning tours.

This also means that I gotta take a step back from some things (so far it's been Team HBV and API ICON08.) I have a feeling that this may be resolved for me, because I'm getting left out of a lot of the dialogue in CMI circles (in virtually every external convo I'm not mentioned. Tis a bit frustrating). There's a lot of nitpicking and whatnot going on with that too. Maybe J was right...6 people is too many to coordinate. I think after the decision not to go to UC Regents as a big group in November (which I totally understand), I lost a lot of my direction because coordinating that trip was to be my main responsibility.

So for now, I'm going to concentrate on being a good APAC rep, publicizing for NCS 07 and learning hip hop. I can't do it all and even when I come close, it's not all its cracked up to be.

And for those of you tracking my Italy progress...I spent $28 to fax my housing application to Italy and UOEAP and sent off a bunch of other stuff....only one more form to send!!!!!!

Pronoun-less

Last night I came to the realization that if you can't call people by their names and you can't utter any pronouns, it's a hell of a lot easier to speak in Italian. Too bad nobody I was with understood a damn word of Italian...

Love will come through, it's just waiting for you

That's the song I've got on itunes right now. anyways, random things from today:

My restless cruise-ship waitressing bffl from high school called me today! I was so excited to hear her voice that I was totally walking down Telegraph with this HUGE grin on my face, you would have thought that I was insane if you knew me. We've decided to meet up in Venice this spring and eat lunch together in Italy.

My mother also called me today, I'm not sure why.

In the same vein, I called and talked to my father...to tell him how I bought $5.50 worth of the hippie organic coop produce (same thing would have cost $12 easily at Andronico's) and then proceeded to walk into GBC and buy fries and chicken strips, an illustration of the walking contradictions I live with on a daily basis.

Some random guy that I've never seen before passed me on the street today and to make a long story short it reminded me that the past is never in the past. It's not static, dead (and hopefully not forgotten). It's dynamic and it goes with me everywhere.

I had to read aloud for a hella long time in Italian today, and I don't think I screwed it up so badly. That was exciting for me...

I've been having massive headaches lately, and today is no exception. My energy levels have been exceptionally low as of late also =( I don't know why, either...my emotional energy is high and I'm really excited to be doing things with NSU, APAC, AIAS, Habitat and Reach....but I do know it's far to early in the term to be burning out on school, which scares me. I don't want to quit anything, because I know next semester I'm going to miss it SO MUCH...sometimes I think I still need my mom around to take care of me and tell me what to do. Sigh.

Musical Nostalgia

My senior year of high school and the summer after that, I actually bought a lot of physical CDs and me and my friends burned a lot of CDs for each other too. I grabbed my old CD wallet while I was looting my parent's house yesterday morning because I don't think I have all my old music transferred onto my new laptop yet, and in it were a bunch of CDs from before I moved out.

There's something about those CDs that I'll always like: even though I still listen to a lot of the songs contained on them all the time, recognizing the handwriting on homemade mixes, my first Phantom Planet CD, and the artists I actually liked enough to buy is a real trip.