drained

I'm so so so incredibly.....empty. I don't care about doing my work for school, and for no reason. I don't have any crises per se (snicker - watch this week's south park if you wanna know why). I don't care about doing my work work, even though I think it should be done. I don't care about the fact that I can see myself crashing...fast. I just don't want it any more, I guess. 

A lot of my drive evaporated throughout the semester, but I just keep trudging along - even when I'm not trying - because I know there is nobody there to pick up the pieces for me, or to force me to do things, or to even acknowledge that hey, things aren't going as great as they could be. Sometimes i feel alienated, even when I'm in my own apartment. 

Some of the things floating around in the back of my head that don't really have anything to do with what is going on in terms of school is surrounding the big "what happens when I graduate?" plan. Because my current plan is that I don't have a plan. Kind of like the Easterly book. Except I tend to be a planner, not a searcher. Also, I fail at many basic life tasks: keeping my room clean, laundry (I'll do 2 weeks at once), feeding myself properly, exercising, etc etc etc. Getting the mail out. I always think next semester will be different and it NEVER is...now I've realized that it's because I choose to take on a lot of extra things. And while some times those extra things are what feeds my soul, I come to resent them every so often for what they deprive me of. So what if other people can keep it all together. Clearly, I am not those people.

I'm also in one of those fat-and-ugly ruts that leads me to the why-should-I-care-what-I-look-like-anyways attitudes. I haven't worn makeup in weeks. I haven't run in god knows how long. I've almost given up on mirrors...

I don't really know what it is in my life that is so horrible that it's crippling me but I do know that deep down, no matter how much I do not want to admit it, I am very, very lonely. I've got friends and they tell me things will be all right and they will be fine but at the end of the day they've got their own and I don't. The negative energy I run into really gets me down too.

So right now life is tragic for me, because there IS no tragedy. There's no "ah, that's why things suck" thing to point to. But there's no real "concrete" plan to throw all my hope into, either. And nobody's going to come shake me by the shoulders, make my bed, and get me back on the right track.