I've realized that I am terrible at being honest about what I'm really feeling and communicating it to people. For the most part I am okay at it but I also hold a lot back because I was pretty much raised to think twice (or four times) before opening my mouth, to consider the consequences, other people's feelings, etc. And generally that's a good idea -- people w/o filters can do a lot of damage and hurt a lot of feelings. (Case in point: Thursday night at Skates.)
However...it means I hold a lot back that should probably be said, too. Instead, I'll tell everyone but the person I should be talking to. Eventually I tell the person what needs to be said, but I apparently crave perspective and approval from other sources, and I know that if I am doing something that I don't feel comfortable telling to my close friends, then it is a bad decision and I should stop.
Lately though I seem to be doing (or not doing, as the case may be) a lot of things that I don't disclose to my confidants. Oddly enough, their disapproval isn't going to come because I'm making bad decisions...but because I'm letting someone else make bad decisions that are going to end up hurting me in the end. My rational mind knows this. But there's something that makes me forget all that...and I can't figure out if it's because I want things to work out, or if I'm just kind of giving up on my life at this particular moment. I wouldn't say I'm settling but I can hear my mother telling me I deserve so much more than limbo-land.
God, I'm screwed up. We're all screwed up. I miss the clarity in my life that comes with a singlemindedness that comes from academia. Well, as a friend once mentioned, I guess I am taking comfort in knowing I have miles and miles of shit to learn and grow still.
About Me
- KT
- San Francisco, CA, United States
- I own a dozen or so pairs of running shoes...it's about time I started running! **The views expressed here are mine only, unless otherwise noted, and not those of my employer.
2 comments:
Honesty is definitely something I think I gained out of this year - I think it must have been that I lived with someone who is very open about what she thinks, if not usually what she feels. I usually equate the two on the same level for some reason, so I think I learned to be more open and honest in both respects, if that makes sense.
I wonder if the whole holding-back thing is an Asian trait?? Probably not, it's probably just a family-specific trait, but it's still surprising since I feel like I went through a lot of the same questioning you're going through.
At least you can realize that all these thoughts and all this growing are a sign of maturity :)
I think the parent that holds back the most is my mother...and she's not Asian, although she has been living in/active with the Japanese American community for more than 25 years now...hmm.
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