Togetherness

I'd say I definitely do not have my shit together these days - which is ok. I'll figure it out, one day at a time. But I'd also say that's one of the reasons why I doubt I'll actually be able to date someone that I actually like (erh....date in general). Talent and passion and big dreams - those are some of the qualities I value most in a person. But getting a person who's on a trajectory for success to stick with you is hard when you're floundering around yourself.

Hmm. On further thought, I think it comes down to my inner confidence (not self-confidence in the way of "how do I carry myself" or whatever, a much more subconscious thing). I'm still not confident enough to feel like I've got it together....because on a rational level I know I am by no means a failure or even an underachieving human being. I've done a fair bit of things with my life and I've done it in a way that is respectable and virtuous...I care about things...etc. Stupid higher-ed microcosm and design school just makes me feel about two inches tall.

Wow, I just realized I am full of contradictions and paradoxes - similar to Henri Lefebvre's "everyday". Damn you Arch 130.

Sreepy

I slept 16 hours yesterday, but I'm still about to fall asleep at 2am, because those 16 hours were supposed to make up for a week's worth of sleep deprivation. Ughhh. It doesn't help that everyone else is dropping like flies too. I should have gone to studio to work but I am hoping that this helps my back out.

I'm trying to prioritize my health and well-being a little bit more, but nobody at home is really able to help me with my design decisions, of which there are a million to make. Everyone always wonders why I suck at deciding what I even want to eat but I'm pretty sure it's cause I make a zillion decisions each day and I am just tired of making them. Also, it's food and I eat it all the time so it doesn't matter much what I eat - I'll get a chance to eat something differente in a few hours.

I wonder where my sketchbook is. I hope it's happy and warm and that I didn't write anything too mean about anyone in it.

PS - I started using Pandora today. Its Vista widget crashed my computer, but after turning it off I haven't had any problems. I have figured out that I like Moby's stuff from the late 90s/early 2000s a lot.

Just Do It

Someone needs to follow me around all the time and say "Katiez, just f*ing do it." I try to be more efficient w/my time and I only end up wasting it; I should have just done things the "longer" way and been done with it.

But my back...it hurts SO MUCH from sitting on studio chairs. If I bend over it hurts. If i walk it hurts. If i sit on most things, it hurts. THe doctor will tell me to stop sitting so much, and on a better chair, and to exercise more. The only one of those things I can do is go buy a new chair at Ikea, I guess.

All you need is love

I was looking through someone's wedding photos on facebook and they almost moved me to tears. Whenever I get married I don't want the big fairytale princess wedding or dinner at the Hilton. I want something small and filled with friends and family (which...is actually pretty big. hmm. I'll have to reconcile that.) and simplicity. Not a hoe-down at the farm though. And it will be brimming with love, rather than parade. Not just love between me and my spouse but love between all of us...

Seems pretty obvious, but after years of TLC and Style Network shows on wedding preparations, I'd begun to think that weddings were about something else altoghether. I thought I'd like to get married in some cool looking place, like a pretty beach, or Venice, or Spain, or someplace I've never been but always wanted to go. THat way I could a) travel and b) associate that place with an incredible memory. But really...if I can't have that WITH all of the people who love and support me, then it's not worth it.


Why am I even thinking about this...I need to be making a building...and I don't even have anyone to date, let alone marry. *Entering land where I remember that my mother was engaged before she graduated from college and I am graduating in 3 months...*

Secret

Here's something I'm not sure I should be saying publicly:

I think I might want to be an architect after all.

This studio is the HARDEST thing I've done in college but it is also one of the most rewarding things. Perhaps I am a masochist. But I am really starting to like designing again. Whether or not I can see myself doing this as a serious career, I'm not sure yet. I still wonder...am I romanticizing the profession? Cause I definitely could be. And I can't help but wonder: if I do go into architecture, will I regret not givign planning a proper try? Part of me also says I shouldn't pursue architecture because I didn't take classes that will get me into grad school. But I hear the portfolio is the thing that really gets you in. (I don't have a good one...but...I could probably get some help with that, right?).

AHH.

This is a bad time to have an identity crisis.

Must must must focus on studio work.

Because I need to do well in this regardless of what I do.





Giada and her huge mouth is making bollito misto. mmmm. Perhaps I'll just move back to Italy and marry an Italian man and become BFF with his mamma. Except she'll hate me cause I'm not Italian, so that will probably not work well...