I woke up today feeling physically drained. It's a bad way to start off a day, let alone a Saturday. By 3pm it was apparent that I wasn't just physically drained, but also spiritually. Mayhaps I should go to church tomorrow, but that will probably just be one more unfulfilled self-promise.
So yes, drained. Empty. It's been a while since I felt this way: lacking the self-motivation to do the things I need to do, and the...concern? to care that I'm getting behind on things. Nobody else seems to care so much, and really...nobody NEEDS me to do anything. I guess what I really feel is defeated by all the external factors swimming around me. In Italy, all the external shit in the world could (and did) happen, but it didn't matter. I was accountable to nobody but myself and I had a life at home I knew I was coming back to. Now, I can't just shut things out. I've taken on this mantle that requires more of me. And while on one hand I want it, part of me doesn't know how to do it.
So I am going to take some time this weekend to really think about what I'm "laboring" over. What do I want the fruits of my labor to be? And why am I doing what I'm doing? Because I can't burn up this quickly. Resentment, disappointment, frustration - they're all futile, and once they're gone I'll be empty again. I want to build something wonderful, filled with love and commitment and cool-assed people.
All this first-week school/nsu/work/life confusion is one big whirpool that I hope settles down soon.
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