Even Heroes Know When To Be Scared

Note to self...don't listen to defeatist music when you have the biggest presentation of your life (thus far) in a couple of hours. This isn't anything compared to say...moving to a different continent and not knowing a soul on that whole damned piece of land. But it's still the biggest presentation of my life. I'm asking for $1200. I've never asked ANYONE for that much money at once. And I'm not just asking for it for me, but for the 50+ people involved in and 600+ people attending Culture Show 2008. This money is crucial to our being able to put on CS while staying financially sustainable. 

In my arch history readings, there's a lot about golden ages and the rise and fall of certain social groups and civilizations. And every once in a while I get scared, like what if NSU already had its little golden age and I'm just a holdover from that time, old, about to become a fossil. What if NSU can no longer run due to finances and a lack of commitment? I think it scares me so much because it echoes, on so many levels, the predicament of the Japanese American community at large. It will only exist as long as people care enough to support it (financially and otherwise). I've never believed that the community is going to die off or disband within the next 10 years. Never. But in the life cycle of a student organization....10 years is a longgg time. I'd like to see NSU make it to its 10th anniversary, which is in 4 years. I want to see Culture Show in big Zellerbach and with a reputation like UCLA's...not because I think we need to compete with other groups for the sake of being bigger and better...but because the Japanese American community on this campus deserves to have a voice that is just as expressive and powerful as any other Student Org, be it here or on another campus. And when you think of it like that....it's pretty big.

Let's not get too carried away here though. It's a five minute presentation...and one of many that Senate FiComm will be hearing tonight. Five minutes. It takes me twice as long to walk to senate as it does to present.

Why am I having a very difficult time breathing then?

EDIT:

The verdict? $900. But it didn't come easily.

List Serves Make Me Cry

I think the title pretty much sums it up.

v________v

MANIFESTO

this year's theme for the monologues of (r)evolutions is MANIFESTO.

So frakin sweet!

I haven't come up with a well-worded manifesto on identity and community but i've got a couple of mantras for this semester. In general....

things aren't easy but every obstacle or bump that i come up is something that I'm choosing to see as a CHALLENGE....and I'm not backing down from one any time soon.

In other news, I may eventually get my paper proposal for architectural history done tonight (well..its due tomorrow...so i better!). I wish I had the time to just sit down and read about all this history - south/central spain from 700-1400 = pretty damned interesting. too bad i need to be writing about, like, a building.

wtf mate

ARGHHHH.

I have hard time feeling sympathetic toward people who, knowing well in advance that they have lots of things to do the day before a midterm, have nonetheless not started studying. Actually, I have plenty of symapthy toward those people - I am often one of those people. But I don't have much sympathy when people back out of things that have been on their schedule for quite some time due to the aforementioned midterms. I understand that life is busy and things come up. But when things are habitually and consistently pushed off, I question that person's commitment...

Procastination is always something I do too often, but I really am trying my best to win that battle this semester. So far I'm doing alright.

I'm also really annoyed because I just called to confirm someone (that I had to move a whole bunch of things around to accomodate) and it turns out he is out of the office this whole week.

Plus, this whole Moorish architecture of southern spain thing is getting really tricky. I have no clue what I will be writing my term paper about. "This is gorgeous, and the respect that new regimes showed for old regimes is very unique, and I don't understand all of this but it is GORGEOUS" isn't a really good thesis.

Goal for the next two weeks: keep the NSU focus and energy high, but also create an environment that is focused on academics.

Lovin' It

I really am loving this NSU thing! I know I recently bitched about basically feeling un-appreciated but I really do like this.

It's amazing to watch these folks that don't really know what is going on....helping them out and watching them figure things out...watching them grow into their roles...watching them make a difference, fulfilling their potential, and growing into independent, intelligent leaders....yeah it's pretty damn cool.

We've barely begun to cover what I know we can, but I am excited and inspired by the progress that we've already made. It's what keeps me going when I just want to forget about it all and go back to my textbooks...what keeps me positive and upbeat...and what keeps me a little relentless and sometimes critical of folks. I just hope that people realize I'm critical about things because I care about them the most.

As you can tell I haven't done a good job articulating what I'm feeling but obviously its a good thing.

bitter...like aperol?

This world is filled with far too many self-centered folks. A big part of me is jealous that people have that luxury though. I think I gave up on myself a while ago, decided that for whatever reason I was not that important and that I didn't have enough worth. To make up for it, I slowly started devoting my time to other people and to causes. I developed my own voice, I became a leader, and my confidence seemed to grow.

Then I went to Europe and learned how to take care of myself. Now, I am filling leadership positions once again and due to some setbacks I am not as confident as I once was. I am confident in my ability to lead people and I am sure of my ability to generally get by in life, but my self-worth is still not there. I'm happy to serve others...but I still long to be able to fulfil my selfish desires (it is a very twisted reality to treat school and studying like selfish tasks, but I do) and I have no confidence that anyone sees any worth in me. In my leadership abilities, yes. In my ability to take care of myself, yes. But the world has gone and proven time and time again that just plain ME is not wanted. Not worthwhile.

So all of those folks who put themselves, their midterms, and their getting-ahead-in-the-rat-race before everything else....they piss me off, because I am jealous and for once in my life I'd like for someone to center their self on me for a minute or two.

conclusion: me = attention whore!!!

Birthday Wishes

Besides world peace, politicians that I can at least agree with, a decently paying part-time job, and a new wardrobe, I've got two frivolous things I want for my birthday right now:

1) The entire Death Cab for Cutie discography
2) A good flat-iron.

I'm going through a major death cab phase right now (i've only just gotten back into the habit of trying to keep up on new American music since I've returned from Europe) due to having heard "I Will Posses Your Heart" a million times on the radio. THen I found out that Death Cab was responsible for the song at the end of last season's Gossip Girl finale, "The Ice Is Getting Thinner", when Dan and Serena are dancing their last dance "ever". I've liked death cab for a while but i just realized that I lost Transatlanticism when my HP crashed, and I never did acquire Plans. So, I want the discography, kthx.

I've decided to keep the long hair, but in order to do that I need to be able to do things with my hair. I don't like it when I just let it dry, but I don't like it curled either. The answer: flat iron it! My sister has an amazing flat iron that she got from her hair dresser, but I haven't ahd the time/money to get one yet.

There are a lot of other more useful or socially responsible things I want, and a lot more expensive things (down payment for a hybrid car?), but I think these two lie in the budget range that people might actually have =))

Running

Running seems like such a good idea to me.

Today I tried to wear jeans for the first time in a couple of weeks (I'd been wearing skirts cause of the heat) and they didn't really fit at all. Which confuses me, because I've been doing MORE walking than during the summer..but not as much as Italy I guess. I bought a membership to the RSF....now I just have to MAKE TIME to GO TO THE GYM. I say this too often but seeing as my main relationship is currently with NSU, there is some hope that I might actually force myself to go every once in a while.

In other parts of my life...the idea of escaping and running away is somewhat attractive. I don't really know why I feel so trapped, but at the moment, I do. Lack of control is probably the main factor. Which is odd, because I kind of gave up trying to control things when I was in Europe. In reality, I have more control over my life than I did last year at Cal. I make a lot more decisions. I control a lot more things (to a certain extent). I can choose to attend or not attend a lot of things. And, I have been generally choosing not to attend things. (and actually my antisocial tendancies do not make me feel liberated at all.) But as I've taken on a minor public service role this year, I feel constantly committed to that particular role. Like I'm on-call all the time. And I never know when I'm going to get that call. So I feel like maybe if I just go running I can feel a little bit in control of things. Like life will be on my terms for once.

Don't worry, I'm not going to shed my responsibilities and ACTUALLY go MIA. But I may take up some sort of athleticism. (I seriously miss the courts though. Too bad intramurals are hecksta competitive though.....)

Domesticity

Today I cleaned up my room: there are no more boxes sitting out in it!

I also made my bed, read a little bit, ate cereal (lactose-free milk is a very new discovery for me), did 3 loads of laundry, and went to the grocery store. Yay me! I can do basic life tasks!!

And for all of Friday I was not angry or bitter or even really sad about life. I wasn't busy busy busy and I wasn't getting my soul crushed by poverty at home and abroad and I was really just having a dandy time listening to the radio and shopping for my sister's birthday present. Alas it is now Saturday and I no longer feel at peace with everything in the world.

This semester is not shaping up to what I wanted it to be.

I love my roommates and my friends and my classes and what I'm learning about and my community and NSU. Or that is what I keep telling myself. I mean...I'm pretty sure I do. But there is so much more to LIFE and to ME and I'm not left with any time for that. And that's really not what I imagined my senior year to be. There are 20,000+ undergraduates on campus. A lot of them are smart, funny, talented, amazing people. I probably only know about 5% of those people. Think of all the opportunities and potential friendships, acquantances, relationships, coming-togethers-of-diverse-viewpoints, discussions, argments, and memorable people I am missing out on. And tonight I realized that I am not going to get to meet most of those people, and that's really a shame, because college is a truly unique place and time in our lives. So yes, I do love all of those things I started off listing. But, I kind of hoped that this year I'd have the time/courage to expand on that.

Ocean

Life threw a lot of curveballs at me last night and today, which meant crisis management, frustration, and a little bit of angry katies =( But then I came home and started looking up X-Factor clips and life is all good again =)

Anyways for those of you who care about my academic life, a couple of notes:
Arch 170A: Arch Hist. from Antiquity to the Middle Ages
I have no friends in that class and I'm always late but Shanken did manage to make cave paintings INTERESTING so there is some hope...

AAS 122: Japanese American History
Everyone keeps telling me I don't need to take this class but there are a lot of reasons why I'm taking it, some of which lie in principles rather than practicalities or even interest. Anyways there are lots of films and I'm looking forward to continuing my self-education, which I started some time around the 4th grade.

Cy Plan c114: Intro. to Urban and Regional Transportation
I was going to drop this class until I went today and the lecture convinced me to stay. I realized that this, along with a myriad of other city planning issues, are what REALLY interest me and what I REALLY understand. To me, it's all pretty much common sense and looking at all the sides of an issue (which is great since I'm such an "amiable" type anyways!). There is an annoying knowitall in this class (seriously why are there so many in the class of 09???) but other than that this should be a goodie. One of the GSIs may be my new lets-kick-it-and-talk-about-life amigo since Alex appears to be gone this year. Something that I need to be reminded of more often: Planners don't get to make the decisions. Odd concept, but a fundamental one...

Anthro 137: Energy, Culture, & Society
I am hoping I can get this to count for my minor. I don't know much about energy policy but it has political and lifestyle implications not just for the US but the entire world. THe professor is a little kray kray (she likes to call things "cuckoo" a lot) but some of her stories are great (like the one about the 50MPG engines from the early 80s..."the other car is in hiding, for future historians to find!") and somewhere in there I know she's got a lot to share that will be useful. Plus, there's no discussion section or midterm as of now, and a good friend of mine is in it, and it is in the new Stanley Hall building. I'm not going to lie....good facilities helped sell this course. Let this be a lesson to you, stupid people who built Dwinelle!

Cy Plan c115: Global Poverty: Hopes and Challenges in the New Millenium
Professor Ananya Roy won the GOlden Apple Teaching Award at Cal last year, and there is a reason for it. She is also a DCRP professor, so I just had to try out at least one of her classes while I'm here. I didn't think global poverty would interest me much or have a lot to do with studying city planning, but I love this course so far. First, Ananya gives amazing lectures that are fast-paced and interesting and delivered in a great accent =) She doesn't waste words either...which means that you want to write down EVERY word she says and my hands get tired. Maybe I should get a recorder. I'd listen to her lectures again, they are that good! Then, there are the people in the course: like half of senate, architecture friends, city planning friends, and old roomies. The lecture hall is ALWAYS full which is weird because I have 170 in there right before and it is never even half full. Third, the content is fascinating (the reading has been really easy to read), albeit a little shocking at times. Fourth, my GSI seems to be almost as cool as Ananya. His ice-breaker question: "name two cities that you are obssessed with." I had such a hard time narrowing it down to TWO. I find something I am fascinated with in every city I go to and the more I study architecture the more I want to visit different cities. My list of places to see is huge, to the point where I've separated it into "places I'd love to see" and "places I am actually going to try to see". So yeah that just made me super excited about life and my GSI seems really chill (yet demanding). Though I doubt I'll be devoting my career to helping end global poverty, or even going to Bono concert (Ananya loves Bono...my GSI quoted her quoting Bono and said that he was quoting "a rockstar who is quoting another rock star."), this is still one of those courses that embodies what college is all about.

Cy Plan 113B: Community & Economic Development
The longer I sit in this class, the less appealing it becomes. The problem with going to a school that is a hotbed of liberalism is that the opportunity to see the conservative point of view is often times nonexistent and this is no exception. I'm not necessarily conservative but I like to see both sides and I like to see things get challenged. Today was pretty much an Obama love fest though and neither candidate has sold me yet so it was pretty frustrating. The prof is pretty deaf and one of those old white liberal democrats that you are more likely to find in the humaninties. He is all about teaching practicalities rather than theory. Which I used to like, but I also think that if you sign up to go to Cal you know what you are getting into. Want practical? Go to the vocational schools.

The prof set a grim picture of the current US economy today and I totally agreed with him two months ago. Living in America has been easier than it is today. Our poverty line is at $20,000 for a family of four, and a minimum wage job does not earn that much annually. The healthcare system IS in need of a change. But if you're not thrown too much bad luck, the possibility to improve economically exists in this country. I'm not saying you aren't going to work a bajillion hours and that you won't have to make some hard decisions...but it exists. In most of Africa and Asia, it doesn't matter how much you work, because your country is probably stuck in a poverty trap...I mean, one sixth of the world population lives in extreme poverty. So I have a hard time swallowing all this pro-americanism that gets thrown around in class. Not because I don't love America - at my core I truly do love this country, this culture, and all the peoplle that make it what it is. But I am critical of it in a domestic as well as a global context, because I've lived in Europe (and yeah I'm also taking that poverty course).

And as a result of my experiences I am in the process of re-evaluating what it means to be American. Some times it is tough to llive in a country that locked up your grandfather (a born citizen of this nation) and 100,000 other people on the basis of their ancestry and denied them of their rights, and blindly proclaim to love it. Some times it bothers me to know that if my parents were a generation before theirs, it would have been illegal for them to marry. It would have been illegal for me to exist. And I guess I am a little confused, because I want Americans to have jobs, I really do (hell I want to have a job), but enticing corporations to bring their factories back from relatively undeveloped places also means that you are probably writing a death sentence for those people in that far-off place. It's crazy to know that people make decisions every day that will decide who dies where, and when. I look at what the INS does and wonder how much good they are doing when they try to deport non-criminals who have children that were born here and have been contributing to society in a positive manner. I wonder about myself and my opinions and the policies of others a lot. I'm afraid that at the moment I don't know what it means to be American any more than I know what it means to be Japanese American (which was the number one question I got asked this summer).

Shoot, I was going to drop CP 113B because I can't stand the professor. THere was a cute guy I made friends with that would have been nice to know. ANd I enjoyed watching Roger and Me. But my prof has unknowingly given me a lot to think about. It makes me really critical and bitter though, because I don't know what to do with all my contradictions and angry-ness yet. Oh, did I mention we have to do 16 hours of community service isntead of a midterm??