When did that happen?

I read my posts for the last year and came to some interesting conclusions.

1. I don't write this for an audience or have any photos on here. Is that bad? I don't know.

2. Last semester seemed so great and easy (in my memory) but re-reading I realize that it was difficult for some vast and nebulous reasons. I totally went MIA over break and now I know why -- the pattern, the hopelessness, and the burnout are easy to spot in the fall posts.

3. Any style that I once had has disappeared this semester. ALl my posts from studio are just boring recounts of the drudgery I'm going through. I think I literally turned off parts of my brain when I shut out all the miscellaneous things that weren't studio related. I don't write poetry anymore and I don't have my witty sarcasm. Maybe I really should start "don't build this" and work on that last part. All I know is I am capable of writing some pretty "good" things and none of them happened in 2009. I would like to think that 2009 in general isn't just a shitty year though.

4. I am back on an irregular body rhythm. Sleep at 5 wake at 2pm. It's just like Italy last year! Except, I won't have the same wake-up call that throws me back onto normal civilized time again. Maybe I will just have to make it happen. Sound cryptic? You have no idea.

Which leads me to mentioning that maybe the reason why I haven't posted anything decent this year is because I am keeping too much inside. For instance....stuff that happened on Friday and Saturday are weighing heavily on my mind: what do I do? Do I start something or wait for everything else to start for me? And who can I go to for advice??? It's killing me not being able to really dissect this with others, but I can't decide if I should tell anyone or not. The keepers of my secrets don't seem so trustworthy any more. I think I know what I want but I am struggling to pass my courses so I don't know if I have time for anything else. It's times like these that I wish I wasn't so distant from my sister or closed-off from my mother on these topics.

Crap, I only know one way to deal with things that I can't stop thinking about and it involves talking it over. There are no sympathetic ears at 3am though.