I had no clue it was going to rain today.
I did have a clue about how my great grandfather has been doing but I just found out that right now he is en route from the hospital to his home. In an ambulance. I can't help but wonder if the next time he leaves his home, it will be in something that doesn't have sirens and lights...which is what makes the other things I did today bittersweet: I bought my graduation announcements, my cap and gown, and my honors cords.
Like many students, my collegiate accomplishments were aided greatly by the love and support of my family, and I always thought my g-grandpa would be there when I graduated. (more about what I hoped he would see out of me to come at a later time -- I don't want to start crying in studio.) Graduation is a time of excitement and celebration, but there are a lot of unhappy things going on at the same time...so at 11:30 I was feeling accomplished and excited and I really wanted to share that with someone, but couldn't because everyone is in class...and when I called my mom...it vanished. Now everyone wants to know why I look like a truck hit me.
I'm struggling to find the motivation to do any school work right now, and I already fucked that part of my life up enough in the past week...I want a hug from my mom and some tea and a blanket.
Shit, I haven't even begun to sort through the other possible mess/possible yay that's in my life.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
When did that happen?
I read my posts for the last year and came to some interesting conclusions.
1. I don't write this for an audience or have any photos on here. Is that bad? I don't know.
2. Last semester seemed so great and easy (in my memory) but re-reading I realize that it was difficult for some vast and nebulous reasons. I totally went MIA over break and now I know why -- the pattern, the hopelessness, and the burnout are easy to spot in the fall posts.
3. Any style that I once had has disappeared this semester. ALl my posts from studio are just boring recounts of the drudgery I'm going through. I think I literally turned off parts of my brain when I shut out all the miscellaneous things that weren't studio related. I don't write poetry anymore and I don't have my witty sarcasm. Maybe I really should start "don't build this" and work on that last part. All I know is I am capable of writing some pretty "good" things and none of them happened in 2009. I would like to think that 2009 in general isn't just a shitty year though.
4. I am back on an irregular body rhythm. Sleep at 5 wake at 2pm. It's just like Italy last year! Except, I won't have the same wake-up call that throws me back onto normal civilized time again. Maybe I will just have to make it happen. Sound cryptic? You have no idea.
Which leads me to mentioning that maybe the reason why I haven't posted anything decent this year is because I am keeping too much inside. For instance....stuff that happened on Friday and Saturday are weighing heavily on my mind: what do I do? Do I start something or wait for everything else to start for me? And who can I go to for advice??? It's killing me not being able to really dissect this with others, but I can't decide if I should tell anyone or not. The keepers of my secrets don't seem so trustworthy any more. I think I know what I want but I am struggling to pass my courses so I don't know if I have time for anything else. It's times like these that I wish I wasn't so distant from my sister or closed-off from my mother on these topics.
Crap, I only know one way to deal with things that I can't stop thinking about and it involves talking it over. There are no sympathetic ears at 3am though.
1. I don't write this for an audience or have any photos on here. Is that bad? I don't know.
2. Last semester seemed so great and easy (in my memory) but re-reading I realize that it was difficult for some vast and nebulous reasons. I totally went MIA over break and now I know why -- the pattern, the hopelessness, and the burnout are easy to spot in the fall posts.
3. Any style that I once had has disappeared this semester. ALl my posts from studio are just boring recounts of the drudgery I'm going through. I think I literally turned off parts of my brain when I shut out all the miscellaneous things that weren't studio related. I don't write poetry anymore and I don't have my witty sarcasm. Maybe I really should start "don't build this" and work on that last part. All I know is I am capable of writing some pretty "good" things and none of them happened in 2009. I would like to think that 2009 in general isn't just a shitty year though.
4. I am back on an irregular body rhythm. Sleep at 5 wake at 2pm. It's just like Italy last year! Except, I won't have the same wake-up call that throws me back onto normal civilized time again. Maybe I will just have to make it happen. Sound cryptic? You have no idea.
Which leads me to mentioning that maybe the reason why I haven't posted anything decent this year is because I am keeping too much inside. For instance....stuff that happened on Friday and Saturday are weighing heavily on my mind: what do I do? Do I start something or wait for everything else to start for me? And who can I go to for advice??? It's killing me not being able to really dissect this with others, but I can't decide if I should tell anyone or not. The keepers of my secrets don't seem so trustworthy any more. I think I know what I want but I am struggling to pass my courses so I don't know if I have time for anything else. It's times like these that I wish I wasn't so distant from my sister or closed-off from my mother on these topics.
Crap, I only know one way to deal with things that I can't stop thinking about and it involves talking it over. There are no sympathetic ears at 3am though.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Daydreaming
Part of me wishes I could go back to just being obsessed with How I Met Your Mother. It's a lot easier to be addicted to a world that's laid out for you, always there when you need a laugh or a break. Real life is not that way and the things on my mind are severely distracting me from getting my work done. Normally I would just DO SOMETHING about it but school NEEDS to come first.
I think I need to read THE PROCASTINATOR'S HANDBOOK by Rita Emmit again. Except, Rita doesn't have any advice for all the things that are on my mind.
On a much sadder note, I am not sure how much longer my great-grandfather is going to last in this world. He's in the hospital again; my mom is there with him. I haven't seen him since Christmas.
I think I need to read THE PROCASTINATOR'S HANDBOOK by Rita Emmit again. Except, Rita doesn't have any advice for all the things that are on my mind.
On a much sadder note, I am not sure how much longer my great-grandfather is going to last in this world. He's in the hospital again; my mom is there with him. I haven't seen him since Christmas.
Random thoughts...
I keep saying I should start a blog called DON'T BUILD THIS and talk about all the random truths and isms we learn at 4am in studio. It'll be really great!
From the outside looking in, do I seem "artsy" on the basis of my major? My self-image doesn't quite line up with that, but then I look around my room and I think maybe I am, but in a superficial way. Case in point: I love taking photos but know nothing about technical photography stuff. It's always been on my "to do when I have time/money" list. More importantly...do I like being associated with all the connotations of an arch major? It's a little late to wonder this, I guess.
I went to the CSA culture show tonight. It's not big and flashy like PCN/VSA but it gave me a lot to think about, and I'm glad that they went to all the effort to have the show. CSA has a tough job -- what does it mean to be "Chinese American"? I couldn't tell you the answer but I imagine that it's pretty difficult to figure out and then present in one show, because China has so many sub-cultures, ethnicities, dialects, etc. There are some generalizations in terms of immigration patterns, but even so...much more than Japanese Americans or Vietnamese Americans, I can't imagine how you'd be able to quintessential-ize the Chinese American experience. But rather than say that Chinese/Chinese Americans are TOO different or are TOO similar, the members of CSA decided to tell a story that was representative of what they saw fit to tell. Rather than fit into all of the stereotypes of the med/law school-focused students, these folks put in the hours and effort to do this showcase, which speaks volumes to the types of diversity and tensions that exist within Chinese American culture.
I laughed when the main character was super cheap with his girlfriend, because I've had friends that were the same way, and I never could really totally understand it.
I wish studio was freakin done -- this time because well, dammit, it's April and that means culture show season and I want to see them all and have dinner with everyone I know all the time and hang out and savor every last moment as a student. Instead I either need to get way more organized (ie drag myself out of bed, stop watching hulu, etc) or become a complete social recluse.
I thought rendering was gonna be cool but it's not. It takes fucking forever and I'm scared it's going to crash my computer....
From the outside looking in, do I seem "artsy" on the basis of my major? My self-image doesn't quite line up with that, but then I look around my room and I think maybe I am, but in a superficial way. Case in point: I love taking photos but know nothing about technical photography stuff. It's always been on my "to do when I have time/money" list. More importantly...do I like being associated with all the connotations of an arch major? It's a little late to wonder this, I guess.
I went to the CSA culture show tonight. It's not big and flashy like PCN/VSA but it gave me a lot to think about, and I'm glad that they went to all the effort to have the show. CSA has a tough job -- what does it mean to be "Chinese American"? I couldn't tell you the answer but I imagine that it's pretty difficult to figure out and then present in one show, because China has so many sub-cultures, ethnicities, dialects, etc. There are some generalizations in terms of immigration patterns, but even so...much more than Japanese Americans or Vietnamese Americans, I can't imagine how you'd be able to quintessential-ize the Chinese American experience. But rather than say that Chinese/Chinese Americans are TOO different or are TOO similar, the members of CSA decided to tell a story that was representative of what they saw fit to tell. Rather than fit into all of the stereotypes of the med/law school-focused students, these folks put in the hours and effort to do this showcase, which speaks volumes to the types of diversity and tensions that exist within Chinese American culture.
I laughed when the main character was super cheap with his girlfriend, because I've had friends that were the same way, and I never could really totally understand it.
I wish studio was freakin done -- this time because well, dammit, it's April and that means culture show season and I want to see them all and have dinner with everyone I know all the time and hang out and savor every last moment as a student. Instead I either need to get way more organized (ie drag myself out of bed, stop watching hulu, etc) or become a complete social recluse.
I thought rendering was gonna be cool but it's not. It takes fucking forever and I'm scared it's going to crash my computer....
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Travel Bug
My desires to travel and see new things has grown in intensity again! I am seriously considering going on a trip somehwere right after graduation (or right after my lease runs out) and putting it all on my credit card and paying it off.....later. I mean I have no money but I am also pretty unattached so it's the perfect time to travel. I think it will, among other things, help me do some soul searching to figure out what I want to do -- because right now I think I want to go into something that's pretty non-traditional (as in, no arch firm, etc -- some sort of a startup instead).
I have been reading all these stories of people in massive debt over things like clothes and shit and so every time I go to buy something I ask myself "would I think it was worth it if I couldn't pay my bills because i bought this?". Usually, it seems frivolous, although Barney Stinson may say otherwise. The only thing I will spend money on w/o thinking is food right now. But a trip...that might be worth it?
Tops of my list:
NYC
Japan
Peru
Brazil
London
Spain
Hong Kong
Mumbai
Paris
So please weigh in: frivolous or worth it?
I have been reading all these stories of people in massive debt over things like clothes and shit and so every time I go to buy something I ask myself "would I think it was worth it if I couldn't pay my bills because i bought this?". Usually, it seems frivolous, although Barney Stinson may say otherwise. The only thing I will spend money on w/o thinking is food right now. But a trip...that might be worth it?
Tops of my list:
NYC
Japan
Peru
Brazil
London
Spain
Hong Kong
Mumbai
Paris
So please weigh in: frivolous or worth it?
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