Pronoun-less

Last night I came to the realization that if you can't call people by their names and you can't utter any pronouns, it's a hell of a lot easier to speak in Italian. Too bad nobody I was with understood a damn word of Italian...

silly tv

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight. I kind of hate it. It makes me all emo.

Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.


and sometimes, change is everything.

Sometimes.

Just stab me, why don't you?
Good thing Michael Vartan is hot HAHA.

Busy busy college time

I had two nights this week in which I slept for less than five hours, because I had 2 papers due, a project, hip-hop twice a week, campaign meetings, core, other meetings, and other life-issues. I'm also getting sick =(

Anyways. Today was pretty much the weekend since I only went to one hour of class, yay! I scrapbooked which was fun. Colleen made us dinner tonight and it was gooooood food. And also something my mom would have made. Soul food yaa!! Dinner and chilling with good friends was much needed....relaxing and I didn't have to rush off to something else.

And that's basically the whole point of this post, because it's good to stop and smell the roses every once in a while. *huggles* at all those who are like my (very loud) family and my warm and fuzzy blanket.

The Italian Saga Begins

Forreals, yo!

Yesterday I received my paperwork for my study abroad stuff...to say the least, it is going to be one major pain in the ass. I don't like the EAP website very much, plus I have to go find all these documents that I don't have and get a bunch of shit notarized...ugh. It's another thing (and by thing, I mean fifty things) to add to the list of things I have to get done, which is starting to crush me. Or whatever comes right before crushing. I know my stress hormone levels are going to be elevated until after I get my visa stuff cleared out of the way in a month =(

Then there's the prospect of going about how to live in another country. I need a bunch of shit (I'll classify it all as "travel equiptment") which I can't afford IN ADDITION to the whole social/cultural/linguistic stuff I've been trying to prepare myself with. The whole process makes my head spin just thinking about it...but man I'd kick myself for the rest of my life if I gave up this opportunity.

---
In other things of recent, my buddy group hosted its first "buddy event" last night. I got to cook (I like to cook but I rarely cook good food because it's difficult to cook for one...plus it takes time) and get to know people and hang out in a chill environment. I think that's what I miss most about my recently graduated friends, just hanging out and having one hell of a time. All the orgs and school stuff I'm running around doing are important and fun and interesting, but de-stressing they are not....

Today it was all rainy and gray in the morning (the rain abated in the afternoon) and it's the first day of fall so the poetic whateveritscalled was not lost on me. I didn't really mind it too much though, because as I was walking home with my buzzed friend, the sunset was coming through over the bay. Something about looking west and seeing absolute beauty shine through the clouds, and looking east and seeing the world look dark and menacing but framed in the vibrant reflection of the sun...it's as close to spiritual euphoria as I get. The ephemeral quality probably has a lot to do with it, but at the same time it makes it difficult for me to share that feeling with anyone...which is what I desperately want to do. This is why I can never properly explain how I can claim to love being near the ocean and the beach and the California landscape so much, and yet I don't surf and I don't go hiking and things like that...

This isn't from tonight - I actually took it two years ago from my dorm window - but I didn't have my camera with me today. This was actually on my photobucket site, which I probably haven't looked at since 2005...let's just say there are some memories on there. Some of them are heartbreaking - everyone seems so much more distant now.

Un po' triste

I'm sort of bummed beceause I missed my opportunity to participate in my first ever rally/protest at Berkeley today. I did, however, wear green to show my support and solidarity for the Jena 6.

If you don't know who the Jena 6 are, google it or read about it here.

There was a rally and a march around campus and the surrounding area, but I had class from noon to 3:30 so I missed it. Ironically in Italian we discussed social issues such as the state of American public education, racism, and poverty. I really would have liked to have gone, to show my support for the 6 and for the black community as a whole! I've encountered what I considered to be blatant racism several times in my lifetime, but nothing as serious (and shocking) as this. It makes me sad to know that these things still happen in America and all over the world. Living in California, it's easier to forget about these kinds of things...

sigh.

Love will come through, it's just waiting for you

That's the song I've got on itunes right now. anyways, random things from today:

My restless cruise-ship waitressing bffl from high school called me today! I was so excited to hear her voice that I was totally walking down Telegraph with this HUGE grin on my face, you would have thought that I was insane if you knew me. We've decided to meet up in Venice this spring and eat lunch together in Italy.

My mother also called me today, I'm not sure why.

In the same vein, I called and talked to my father...to tell him how I bought $5.50 worth of the hippie organic coop produce (same thing would have cost $12 easily at Andronico's) and then proceeded to walk into GBC and buy fries and chicken strips, an illustration of the walking contradictions I live with on a daily basis.

Some random guy that I've never seen before passed me on the street today and to make a long story short it reminded me that the past is never in the past. It's not static, dead (and hopefully not forgotten). It's dynamic and it goes with me everywhere.

I had to read aloud for a hella long time in Italian today, and I don't think I screwed it up so badly. That was exciting for me...

I've been having massive headaches lately, and today is no exception. My energy levels have been exceptionally low as of late also =( I don't know why, either...my emotional energy is high and I'm really excited to be doing things with NSU, APAC, AIAS, Habitat and Reach....but I do know it's far to early in the term to be burning out on school, which scares me. I don't want to quit anything, because I know next semester I'm going to miss it SO MUCH...sometimes I think I still need my mom around to take care of me and tell me what to do. Sigh.

Everything's Magic

I had my reservations about much of the retreat that I went on this weekend. This is what wrote on Friday: I feel so lost in this scene. It's not that I'm old; but the energy and motivation and initiative does seem to be lacking. And for some reason, I don't have anything, no voice trying to get out, to add to it. There weren't many returning people and I was there on Friday thinking DAMN...all the OG's are gone. Everyone is so young, so quiet...well, not everyone. One of the facilitators is quite loud actually, and the yelling (Victorian mansions are not known for their acoustics, I don't think) was killing me. But mostly, I initially felt out of place, and not because I was shy or didn't know what to say or think or do like in January.

And I guess I thought that my relationships with my old friends are why I got involved in the first place. Luckily, it wasn't the ONLY reason and I've also come to like the game "mafia". Previously I thought it was long (which it is) and the idea of lying about stupid things (if you've pulled the mafia card), or accusing people of things with no real basis...they were not so appealing. And like wtf. It doesn't seem very Siciliano to me. Then, you know...I win. And it's fun. And pretty soon someone's reminding us that it's "just a game"! HAHA.

Aside from my thoughts on the architecture of the place we had our retreat in (Center for Third World Organization), here are a few thoughts:

• At one point, I felt like the pill orgs were dominating the dialogue. However, I don't really think they plan to take over or anything...I think it came down to the fact that there were just a lot of QUIET people. Later on it was revealed that everyone really does have something to contribute, and I was much relieved.
• I am easily annoyed by close-talkers.
  
• I wish I could be around for the API Issues Conference in the spring =(
• I really hope that APAC is able to contribute in the Count Me In! Campaign. I first heard about it at the JACL conference because the Pacific Citizen covered it...speaking of campaigns...I met someone who is pretty experienced in political inner workings, and both his breadth of knowledge and his ability to explain things in a clear manner really made politics and government seem....interesting. And dynamic, and like people could actually participate in it. So refreshing compared to my CP lectures.
• On a related note, conversation and talking about all these complicated issues is something that I don't do often enough. And it's what I want to see more of in coalition meetings. Education is, in many instances, the first step toward change =)
  
• Q&A led a workshop of sorts and the stories people shared were intimate and intense, and I cannot thank any of the speakers enough. Nobody talks about these issues with me, and I always feel like people are leading double lives by leaving that part of themselves out of the general discourse. One person spoke about things and I swear I could listen to him go on for days. I like storytellers, even when the stories are not so happy. I don't think he'll ever know quite how much he struck a chord within me, even though we are by and large two very different people.
• If nothing else, there were some specific people that I really, for lack of a better word, "connected" with. That's the beauty of this coalition...I'm meeting people I'd never otherwise meet, from places and perspectives I'd never otherwise even hear of...and isn't that what college is for?!?
  

I was a tiny bit disappointed that I wasn't able to attend INC or AAoB this weekend, but all in all the retreat I did go on was just what I needed. I can't wait to affect some positive changes! If only I was this excited over Arch 110AC work....sigh.

Can We Chill

This week has been really stressful, probably because I stress out too easily over things. Trying to chill the frick out, but school + clubs + doing things like laundry have been A LOT lately and all the stress has been making me more tired, it's been giving me aches and pains, not to mention the occasional panic attack. I am going to try and work on TRUST and BONDING with the officers in the org that's giving me the most stress though, because I need to feel like I'm working w/people that have my back. I realized this because that's what NSU is to me. I was kind of bummed about a few things going on in NSU (or rather things not going on) but tonight I realized all over again why I do it all, and why I'm probably going to be out till 11:30 at least one night a week for them.

LOVE.

And the support and awesomeness that goes along with it.

---
December 2nd, 2007
UCB NSU's 5th Annual Nikkei Culture Show

save the date! cause you'll be hearing a lot about it from now on.

competition

I've always known I didn't really like competition. In high school, I played sports I was really bad at and had no chance at dominating; and in school I lucked out and didn't really have to try too hard to compete with my classmates. Coming into Berkeley, I had low expectations - no A's, but hopefully no C's either. I have no clue what the average GPA is within my major, but I think it's pretty safe to say I'm pretty average.

There's something in me that always says I can be more though. That's how I find myself, time and time again, in leadership positions, even though I didn't set out to change the world. I could go into that, especially in terms of APAC, but suffice to say...I like to get involved in things. It's largely social - we all need to establish our base of friends and social contacts and establish our own communities in college and in life. And that's whats cool about a place like Berkeley - there's an organization for everything.

However, the nature of diversity and student organizations takes a nasty turn sometimes. There are three architecture organizations on campus, and they all have distinct goals. I'm involved in one of them, and I find myself questioning if I share those goals time and time again...mostly because of communication and because I have high expectations in terms of being organized. That being said, I still stand by the organization. I think one of the other orgs has honorable goals and intentions (and unfortunately they meet at the same time as REACH!), but the third one...I don't get it. I see their flyers posted on the wall right next to ours, in the same color scheme and everything. It's a clear attempt to draw comparisons between the two. Supposedly if I were to want to join, I wouldn't be allowed because I'm in this other organization.

This is really general because I don't want to get into specifics, but suffice to say...all three of these groups compete against each other and for members. All three claim to have at least some component based on friendship, fun, and a break from studio. Studio (and many aspects of the practice of architecture) is SO competitive. Why be competitive outside of studio and in our social lives too?

Gah. If these are who my colleagues and fellow professionals are going to be once I graduate, then I think I've picked the wrong profession. I've got confidence in my work and I can stand up for myself and give credit where it's due, and I know that I'm fully capable of finding a job and being GOOD at my job when I graduate. But as my father said my personality is like water, and I choose the path of least resistance that still gets me to my goal. The constant underhanded and petty competitions, the politicking, the animosity...it's not what I want.

Anxiously Energized

A-P-A-C! APAC!

....we've got you're back!

The first APAC meeting of this semester was fun and I'm excited for next week's summit. It was an odd feeling to once again realize that some of the great leaders in APAC and NSU are gone though...Mississippi, Japan, and one on a boat...sigh. Even just people from my year that have different commitments - I miss them. I'm going to the summit with someone else from NSU, but for the first time I'm going to be the "veteran" and I need to be knowledgeable about my org - people will be looking to me for once. Knowing this, I don't know if I'll be able to relax and just be sociable as I want to, especially since I have a large portion of my ethnography project due the day after I get back.

This week is going to be hellish, something tells me I'm not going to sleep much tonight, Wednesday night, and especially not on Thursday night...sadfaces (like my burnt cookies) indeed.

(I made cookies today and I accidentally burnt them and set off my smoke detector. Its LOUD.)

Twice in SF in as many weeks

Yeah, definitely getting close to a record for me. When I'm in school I don't often go to San Francisco and I take BART to get there even less - up until this year, anyways. (I freakin miss Chris' red Honda...)

At any rate, I made a trip to Daly City tonight to catch a high school friend who was in from out of town. I kind of regret going, and it's not because I had to take Bart/AC Transit back by myself at night, though that did tick off a couple of other people I know. It's partly because I was left out of the loop on the whole decision-making process, meaning I ended up going MUCH later than I thought. Also, while on my way there I saw something that caught me off-guard and made my heart stop a little.

And to top it all off, the one person I wanted to talk to wasn't around when I finally did get home.

On the flip side, I finished my Arch 110 reading for the week. Now I only have like 12 summaries (wtf are we in high school again?), a couple hundred pages of reading for CP 110 and Arch 120, a paper proposal, a chapter of grammar exercises, and a bunch of Italian reading to do...

12.5 percent

Week two of school has finished, which technically means I'm 12.5 percent done with the semester. In many regards, it feels like school has just started (I just dropped a class and bought my last textbooks today), but in many others I'm already busy and bogged down with school. Take tonight for instance; I did a couple of mundane and mindless things, started reading about environmental psychology, and fell asleep at 5:30pm. I woke up and continued reading about how living in cities throws tons of stimuli that affects us in seemingly odd but consistent ways, which I couldn't help but agree with. The point of this illustration, however, is the fact that it is a Friday evening and I'm sitting here reading for a course on Social and Cultural Processes in Design, rather than doing anything else that resembles the stereotypical college experience.

What's odd is I almost like what I'm reading this semester. Despite some ridiculousness about chairs, both my Arch 110AC and my CP 110 readings have been engaging and illustrative thus far. I'm excited about both of my term project/papers in both of these classes, and my GSI's are enthusiastic, knowledgeable, and personable. I have those 'intellectual' thoughts and conversations that you see those kids at the ivys and shit in movies having on a pretty regular basis nowadays.

My italian instructor is a wonderful woman, though the class is a bit of work. The section is small - 12 people - and normally I would like that but there are a few European students who talk ENDLESSLY and monopolize the conversation in the class. It makes it difficult for me to practice my oral skills. One of them is always questioning grammar (dude I think the teacher is an expert - she was freakin born and raised there and has been teaching for a while) and all of them criticize Americans and American ways. Sometimes I want to ask them why they are here if everything is much more screwed up here, but I've been able to hold my tongue thus far. I suppose it helps that two of them are molto carino...

My last class, Arch 120, is about professional practice. I don't like the lectures and the readings for the most part (some of it is redundant; much of it seems inapplicable), but I'm relieved to find that Mr. FAIA does not just present one view on licensing, education, and practice. What does make me LQTM every time is his tendency to yell at a student to TURN OFF THEIR PHONE RIGHT NOW because he thinks someone's phone is ringing...but actually it's the Windows startup sound that happens when you turn on your computer. He's still really intimidating when he's yelling though...I would sooo not want to be his kid.

One thing I will say this class did for me, it made me realize that in terms of education, I don't have any compelling reasons as to why I'd want to enter a graduate program in architecture, other than the fact that you need to get an accredited degree (read: mArch) in order to become a licensed architect. That's a very important reason, but it's pretty much a given and not all that compelling to admissions officers. I love working in the profession, but the idea of 2-3 years of studios, GSI-ing, and writing a thesis...they dont appeal to me at all. I don't think I'll know everything I need to know once I graduate Cal, but I'll have my critical thinking and problem solving skills, and in an apprentice-based profession, the rest of the things I'll need to know can be learned best as an intern architect.

Furthermore, when I think about all the things I want to look into, research, and examine in terms of city and regional planning...well I apologize to various friends, because I've already gone on about it for hours. There are so many communities that are mis- or under-represented, forgotten about, and abused. So many issues and flaws to be addressed - though probably never "fixed" completely. I think my background - specifically, being raised in two different unincorporated townships - combined with my architectural interests, have suited me toward the issues of regional planning.

I told this to my mother and she seemed receptive to the idea of me going to planning school; then again, she isn't shelling out the $80k+ to do it, either. I fear my father won't like it as much; he's tremendously proud of me (something I've only realized fairly recently), and being an "architect" carries a certain degree of respect and prestige. Studying city and regional planning can lead to a myriad of professions (in reality, architecture does too, but nobody outside the field notices), none of which are famous in greater society (and especially not in produce-farming circles). I'm not sure if its him or if it's projected expectations I've put on myself, but after having noticed that he puts his faith and dreams into his daughters, I obviously want to do something that he can understand and makes him feel like his $90,000/extra mortgages/loans/tractors (yes he sold some, including the real one) were worthwhile. This, of course, is fairly irrational because he's always supported the decisions I've made (remember the NHS basketball fiasco?)

One thing that is annoying about CP is the relative lack of power that municipal planners have. I can see it being frustrating - you have all this training and expertise, and the politicians looking for votes and the developers looking for money and the short-sighted/ill-informed citizens are the ones who ultimately decide what is best. As an architect, you probably have more direct (and certainly physical) influence on how people live and conduct their lives. One last thing that casts doubt on my ability to utilize a master's in City and Regional Planning is the political aspects of the profession. My personality is, by nature, to avoid direct confrontation. I rubberneck just as much as the next guy ("I was in the kitchen cleaning a dish, i was really cleaning, and I heard it so I came out. What? Shoes? No, no, fuck shoes!"), but I don't like to be in the line of fire. I wouldn't really be in the fight, but being surrounded by a bunch of bickering people and groups could get exhausting after a while. Maybe I feel like this because I've been reading on environmental psychology and stress/stimulus all evening though...who knows.

Brief update on things outside of class:
Tues: Reach! API Recruitment & Retention Center meeting. I don't think I can intern for them and a lot of their programs happen in the spring...but I'm definitely going to be supporting them.
Wed: NSU first general meeting. I'm the APAC rep. I'm freakin excited for Culture Show. Meeting freshmen was a little wierd and CTJ's LOUDNESS was absent, but the meeting was overall fun. Yakisoba (homemade) = YUM. I met a kid I used to live down the street from, he looks kind of like my friend's boyfriend. I think it's the hapa thing.
I also had an unexpected visitor from out of town. It freakin made my week.
Thurs: AIAS first general meeting. Went pretty well, and I'm learning how to chill the fuck out.
Next week: APAC meeting, SASC, Hip-hop practice, more AIAS, and the APAC leadership summit.

And I actually wonder how come I can't find anyone that I want to date that wants to date me back. From a time-management standpoint...I'm beginning to see why I'm not so attractive. =(

L'Isola degli sfigati

unfinished summer

time and space...what are they?
It seemed as if both were forgotten
And everything before felt a mistake
This, this is right...now.
But when i woke you had nothing to say
So we wasted the day, avoiding it all
And before I knew it you were gone

I came for closure but left with wounds wide open
Needed answers but only found questions
For such a talented writer, how can you be so quiet?
It makes me feel foolish, to think that I'm just ink for your pen
I wish I didn't believe in you so much
I wish you saw your potential for yourself

Weeks spent, forgetting
Drunken nights and attempts at distraction
Oh god, it's year two all over again
Your memory was everywhere I looked
On the ocean and in my headphones
Even in places you'd never be caught

Don't you see, you're the distraction
It catches me in concrete and in sunshine
I can't get around it, don't spose I ever will
This silence keeps things open
We need a firey explosion
Not this slow drowning in the murky ocean
Decimation instead of desertion

You've done things I didn't understand
Months go by and I'd slowly comprehend
So do this for me now
Fix it all
There's no guilt and no tears
Just a pit of loneliness and misunderstanding
A silly girl, shattered and loosely held together

Watching you sink from afar
I worry and want that much more
Falling into the same mistakes
This dream will never end
Looping over and over again

This isn't the only thing I'd like to see clarified
God knows this metropolis is even foggier than the one I left behind
But nothing else has done this to me
Everything here is a mistake that I make
An unwillingness to progress
Lest I leave your possibility

So take my time and take my space
It doesn't help me anyways