I woke up today feeling physically drained. It's a bad way to start off a day, let alone a Saturday. By 3pm it was apparent that I wasn't just physically drained, but also spiritually. Mayhaps I should go to church tomorrow, but that will probably just be one more unfulfilled self-promise.
So yes, drained. Empty. It's been a while since I felt this way: lacking the self-motivation to do the things I need to do, and the...concern? to care that I'm getting behind on things. Nobody else seems to care so much, and really...nobody NEEDS me to do anything. I guess what I really feel is defeated by all the external factors swimming around me. In Italy, all the external shit in the world could (and did) happen, but it didn't matter. I was accountable to nobody but myself and I had a life at home I knew I was coming back to. Now, I can't just shut things out. I've taken on this mantle that requires more of me. And while on one hand I want it, part of me doesn't know how to do it.
So I am going to take some time this weekend to really think about what I'm "laboring" over. What do I want the fruits of my labor to be? And why am I doing what I'm doing? Because I can't burn up this quickly. Resentment, disappointment, frustration - they're all futile, and once they're gone I'll be empty again. I want to build something wonderful, filled with love and commitment and cool-assed people.
All this first-week school/nsu/work/life confusion is one big whirpool that I hope settles down soon.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Adele - Chasing Pavement
My friend introduced this video to me today (he always introduces me to great videos...I love graphic designers!) and I think I love it. Adele can sing and she is a Brit which makes me like her that much more. The song lyrics resonate with me to no end. And the concept of the video = <3!!!! Although, it is kind of sad to see that they don't showcase Adele in the video. At least they came up with an amazing concept to substitute...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz7vGW2_5c0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz7vGW2_5c0
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Worlds Collide
Today we had a Padova reunion in Berkeley. It was great seeing everyone, catching up on our summers, and just chilling with the gang. We perfected the art of living life to the fullest (and unproductive) extent, to the point where it doesn't matter where in the world we are or what's going on...we will have an enjoyable time. Today was no different, and I found myself letting all my appointments just melt away....they could wait till another day.
Then, I saw some of my good Berkeley friends on the street. I waved, came out and said hello...and they were like "who are THEY?" And my other life came crashing in. I admit, we make a pretty random and unexpected family, us padovani, but I feel like those kids may know me better than anyone now. They are the only other people in the world that shared my experience in Italy with me. And while they don't know the side of me that is/was involved in the JA community, who carried her day planner everywhere with her, who cared about local politics, they do know the person who learned how to live. And, more importantly, they support and respect what I've chosen to do with my life in their own ways.
So when my Cal friends came along and reminded me of all the "productive" things I *should* be doing, didn't immediatly try to come in and introduce themselves to my Italy friends, and ran off for boba...the sharp contrast between my seemingly separate lives became SO clear to me. I've been so angry lately, and I couldn't figure out why. Well, I think I've figured out part of it: I've grown up and others haven't. And beyond that, I've grown up and been punished because others haven't. I already have a crazy strong personal value that everyone should pull their own weight, period, which doesn't help. But to have things not work out they way I wanted (the way I deserved) because SOMEONE ELSE wasn't mature enough...well, that's a hard truth to swallow. And I can't just make people get their priorities straight and grow up, but I don't know what I can do...so I get ANGRY.
And now it's becoming clear that I don't know everything either. I need to learn how to not just be a leader, but to inspire others to want to lead, to want to be responsible, to want to grow. Because that's the only thing I can think of to help them grow up.
[I throw around "grow up" a lot and I don't mean I'm all grown up. I'm scared shitless of the world that awaits when I graduate. But knowing that is there, and knowing how priviledged I am until then, makes me that much more aware of how less mature all of the youngsters I know really are.]
Then, I saw some of my good Berkeley friends on the street. I waved, came out and said hello...and they were like "who are THEY?" And my other life came crashing in. I admit, we make a pretty random and unexpected family, us padovani, but I feel like those kids may know me better than anyone now. They are the only other people in the world that shared my experience in Italy with me. And while they don't know the side of me that is/was involved in the JA community, who carried her day planner everywhere with her, who cared about local politics, they do know the person who learned how to live. And, more importantly, they support and respect what I've chosen to do with my life in their own ways.
So when my Cal friends came along and reminded me of all the "productive" things I *should* be doing, didn't immediatly try to come in and introduce themselves to my Italy friends, and ran off for boba...the sharp contrast between my seemingly separate lives became SO clear to me. I've been so angry lately, and I couldn't figure out why. Well, I think I've figured out part of it: I've grown up and others haven't. And beyond that, I've grown up and been punished because others haven't. I already have a crazy strong personal value that everyone should pull their own weight, period, which doesn't help. But to have things not work out they way I wanted (the way I deserved) because SOMEONE ELSE wasn't mature enough...well, that's a hard truth to swallow. And I can't just make people get their priorities straight and grow up, but I don't know what I can do...so I get ANGRY.
And now it's becoming clear that I don't know everything either. I need to learn how to not just be a leader, but to inspire others to want to lead, to want to be responsible, to want to grow. Because that's the only thing I can think of to help them grow up.
[I throw around "grow up" a lot and I don't mean I'm all grown up. I'm scared shitless of the world that awaits when I graduate. But knowing that is there, and knowing how priviledged I am until then, makes me that much more aware of how less mature all of the youngsters I know really are.]
Mad Props
To all of my predecessors in NSU. I don't know how they got all of us together and on top of our stuff, but I can honestly say that I completely trust and can count on every one of the seniors that are/were on core this year. It's a VERY daunting and sometimes frustrating task to try and get people on the same page, plugged into the community, and responsible. Some of it has to do with maturity, I'm sure, but the other common denomonator we have is our past training/leadership background.
Now that I'm facing a crew of bright YOUNG faces, I'm that much more appreciative of what's been laid before me. I'd say I don't think I am ready to lead these people, but with the help of my other OG-influenced amigos, I know things will somehow turn out all right. As with all groups, this year looks different than two years ago so it is a good thing that I am different than past presidents...but I still give mad props to them. And to my fellow 09-ers, who are the only reason I haven't gone completeley insane and self-destructed before the year has even begun!
Now that I'm facing a crew of bright YOUNG faces, I'm that much more appreciative of what's been laid before me. I'd say I don't think I am ready to lead these people, but with the help of my other OG-influenced amigos, I know things will somehow turn out all right. As with all groups, this year looks different than two years ago so it is a good thing that I am different than past presidents...but I still give mad props to them. And to my fellow 09-ers, who are the only reason I haven't gone completeley insane and self-destructed before the year has even begun!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Another Year
I've had this blog for about a year now!
School starts on Wednesday and the campus community is already off to a running start, which will turn into a sprint soonly....
Walking through campus today, I was struck by how carefree and, at the same time, VIBRANT all the students are. Everyone's all excited about the parties, the friends, the cool shit, whatever. Bright colors and happy faces everywhere. Whereas I am a "veteran", I'm taking care of business shit on campus, not there to socialize, there's just too much to get done. And I'm not really into the parties either - again, too many other things I could be doing. Or too many people are new and I don't have the energy/want to make nice with them.
Transitioning into school will be my final transition back into American life, hopefully it's not too hard. Coming back from Italy was not easy, and in many ways I grew a lot more in these past two months than you would think. I know now that one of my core values is my community. I feel the greatest sense of happiness not just when I am serving my community, but when the whole community gets together and works toward a common cause. But not everyone in my life views this value in the same way, and it's been a learning experience to see that some folks may care about the community...but aren't as commited to real action as I think they should be.
Another thing I was surprised to learn is that I like, maybe even want, to share and be dependent on others. It is a huge comfort and relief to lean a little on others after being unable to do that while I lived in Europe. Living abroad gave me a real sense of exactly who I am and what I am capable of, and now that I have that I have the capacity to share my life with other people. It kind of goes along the same lines of "nobody will love you if you can't love yourself". I know myself and am thus secure (stable?) enough to be able to share myself with another human being. That ability - and the fact that I have the desire to do that - is something I definitely did not have a year ago. Unfortunately I haven't met anyone who has reached that point in their life, so for now I'm giving myself over to NSU work and school.
Looking to this school year....I want to graduate with a 3.6. I want to feel like I got a good city planning education. I want to bring CS to Japantown and help put on another great CS on campus. I want to spend time with my amici and I hopefully not feel oceans apart from all the young'ns. I want to work, because I don't want my parents to have to shoulder any more burden than they already are. I want to make a million more great memories, but not at the expense of my academics...because unfortunately, grades are going to follow me around until I get into grad school. I want so many things, some of which are in conflict with each other, and I'm struggling with how all those things can be acheived. So for now I gotta take it one day at a time, because eventually I will find a way. This is going to be a year to rememeber.
School starts on Wednesday and the campus community is already off to a running start, which will turn into a sprint soonly....
Walking through campus today, I was struck by how carefree and, at the same time, VIBRANT all the students are. Everyone's all excited about the parties, the friends, the cool shit, whatever. Bright colors and happy faces everywhere. Whereas I am a "veteran", I'm taking care of business shit on campus, not there to socialize, there's just too much to get done. And I'm not really into the parties either - again, too many other things I could be doing. Or too many people are new and I don't have the energy/want to make nice with them.
Transitioning into school will be my final transition back into American life, hopefully it's not too hard. Coming back from Italy was not easy, and in many ways I grew a lot more in these past two months than you would think. I know now that one of my core values is my community. I feel the greatest sense of happiness not just when I am serving my community, but when the whole community gets together and works toward a common cause. But not everyone in my life views this value in the same way, and it's been a learning experience to see that some folks may care about the community...but aren't as commited to real action as I think they should be.
Another thing I was surprised to learn is that I like, maybe even want, to share and be dependent on others. It is a huge comfort and relief to lean a little on others after being unable to do that while I lived in Europe. Living abroad gave me a real sense of exactly who I am and what I am capable of, and now that I have that I have the capacity to share my life with other people. It kind of goes along the same lines of "nobody will love you if you can't love yourself". I know myself and am thus secure (stable?) enough to be able to share myself with another human being. That ability - and the fact that I have the desire to do that - is something I definitely did not have a year ago. Unfortunately I haven't met anyone who has reached that point in their life, so for now I'm giving myself over to NSU work and school.
Looking to this school year....I want to graduate with a 3.6. I want to feel like I got a good city planning education. I want to bring CS to Japantown and help put on another great CS on campus. I want to spend time with my amici and I hopefully not feel oceans apart from all the young'ns. I want to work, because I don't want my parents to have to shoulder any more burden than they already are. I want to make a million more great memories, but not at the expense of my academics...because unfortunately, grades are going to follow me around until I get into grad school. I want so many things, some of which are in conflict with each other, and I'm struggling with how all those things can be acheived. So for now I gotta take it one day at a time, because eventually I will find a way. This is going to be a year to rememeber.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Headche.
My head hurts like no other and I blame you. and you and you...
Today I bought a new pair of shoes...at payless. They don't look too payless-y and they are too tall to wear around all the time so it is ok, cuz I wasn't gonna spend $100 on shoes I wear twice. I also bought new underwear/bras and sunglasses and accessories at H&M. Getting off the bus at Union Square is a bad idea, especially when you are wallowing in self-loathing, and ESPECIALLY when there is some event at the end of the week that you need to dress up for.
I don't know if I've got what it takes to run NSU this year. The doctor always tells me my headaches are stress-induced and I got them all the time last fall. It's times like these when I miss Italy - I rarely had headaches there. But at the moment I'm dealing with a lot of personal stuff and grappling with a crippling self-loathing problem. I basically feel like I'm a little bit worthless - not worth anyone's time (in a personal sense).And I can forsee a lot of un-voiced frustration with people coming on this year. So that's probably got something to do with it. I just hope these things don't become chronic...
I'm also really starting to get sad taht my internship is ending. Street Fair went so well and it was a great capstone to my experience. I am also going to mimss having Andersen's bakery and Benkyo-Do just down the street. I discovered strawberry mochi today...it is delicious. And all the Japanese food. And HONU's, my favorite hawaiian joint....I was even getting used to my commute, too! Now when am I going to read, listen to music, and just clear my mind??? Don't even get me started on the PEOPLE either...I love all the interns. Reading the e-mails that get sent out to each other seriously makes my day ten times better and brighter. Sighhhh. Thurs/Fri will be a BLAST though =)
Today I bought a new pair of shoes...at payless. They don't look too payless-y and they are too tall to wear around all the time so it is ok, cuz I wasn't gonna spend $100 on shoes I wear twice. I also bought new underwear/bras and sunglasses and accessories at H&M. Getting off the bus at Union Square is a bad idea, especially when you are wallowing in self-loathing, and ESPECIALLY when there is some event at the end of the week that you need to dress up for.
I don't know if I've got what it takes to run NSU this year. The doctor always tells me my headaches are stress-induced and I got them all the time last fall. It's times like these when I miss Italy - I rarely had headaches there. But at the moment I'm dealing with a lot of personal stuff and grappling with a crippling self-loathing problem. I basically feel like I'm a little bit worthless - not worth anyone's time (in a personal sense).And I can forsee a lot of un-voiced frustration with people coming on this year. So that's probably got something to do with it. I just hope these things don't become chronic...
I'm also really starting to get sad taht my internship is ending. Street Fair went so well and it was a great capstone to my experience. I am also going to mimss having Andersen's bakery and Benkyo-Do just down the street. I discovered strawberry mochi today...it is delicious. And all the Japanese food. And HONU's, my favorite hawaiian joint....I was even getting used to my commute, too! Now when am I going to read, listen to music, and just clear my mind??? Don't even get me started on the PEOPLE either...I love all the interns. Reading the e-mails that get sent out to each other seriously makes my day ten times better and brighter. Sighhhh. Thurs/Fri will be a BLAST though =)
Missing
With each day that passes, I find that there is more that I miss: home, Italy, EAP friends, traveling, summer time, feeling the way I did, the old man who always had a rubber band in his pocket at Kiku Hana to fix our chopsticks up for us (random, i know). I'm reminded of the architect who gave a speech about his work last yar that did one of those giant heart pieces for charity (the public art installments) in San Francisco. He had basically punched as many giant holes as was possible into this heart without it actually physically falling apart.
But there is always more to look forward to, to appreciate, to enjoy: drinks with old friends, the prospect of new ones, NSU, culture show, school, ambitions, the next exquisite meal, festivals, beginnings, and they day when my body finally stops aching. It fills up the holes left behind by all the things that are missing, and I'm filled with the impulse to shove as many things into it to fill the space as possible. (actually...I know...my collective memory and my heart just expand, kind of like the internet, in a limitless fashion...but right now it doesn't feel that way).
I am trying, however, to simply live in the moment again. It's getting to be difficult with school starting though. How does one go about their day without spending too much time thinking (sometimes bitterly and sometimes nostalgically) about what's in the past or, on the other end, scheming and planning too much for the future? Maybe my past has me running too scared of the future, on counting on or planning for too much, but I can't help feeling like I waste too much time planning my tomorrows. Mayhaps if I was focused on my todays...I wouldnt' be up at 1:30am when I have to be on BART at 8:10.
But there is always more to look forward to, to appreciate, to enjoy: drinks with old friends, the prospect of new ones, NSU, culture show, school, ambitions, the next exquisite meal, festivals, beginnings, and they day when my body finally stops aching. It fills up the holes left behind by all the things that are missing, and I'm filled with the impulse to shove as many things into it to fill the space as possible. (actually...I know...my collective memory and my heart just expand, kind of like the internet, in a limitless fashion...but right now it doesn't feel that way).
I am trying, however, to simply live in the moment again. It's getting to be difficult with school starting though. How does one go about their day without spending too much time thinking (sometimes bitterly and sometimes nostalgically) about what's in the past or, on the other end, scheming and planning too much for the future? Maybe my past has me running too scared of the future, on counting on or planning for too much, but I can't help feeling like I waste too much time planning my tomorrows. Mayhaps if I was focused on my todays...I wouldnt' be up at 1:30am when I have to be on BART at 8:10.
Friday, August 8, 2008
What DID I learn?
Traveling through Europe, I thought I learned a lot of things. One lesson: don't be so cautious. I generally tend to over-plan my travel (and other) plans. Assess the risks. Etc etc. Sometimes my analysis leaves me paralyzed because I have to make a decision before I've weighed both sides. Action, in this situation, rarely happens if it is risky.
But living in a different culture, traveling by myself in various countries that don't speak very much english...I learned that wherever I go, things will be ok. Maybe life can be lived outside of the nebulous box I've created for myself.
Now I'm back in my college world and I am quickly remembering why my boundaries exist. Giving into my own blind desires...going for WHAT I WANT and not thinking about the consequences...is finding me very lonely and not so happy. And I think it's terribly unfair.
So really I gotta ask myself sometimes...did I learn anything from my experience abroad? Have I truly grown as a person? On the whole, I think yes. But some days I really do wonder.
But living in a different culture, traveling by myself in various countries that don't speak very much english...I learned that wherever I go, things will be ok. Maybe life can be lived outside of the nebulous box I've created for myself.
Now I'm back in my college world and I am quickly remembering why my boundaries exist. Giving into my own blind desires...going for WHAT I WANT and not thinking about the consequences...is finding me very lonely and not so happy. And I think it's terribly unfair.
So really I gotta ask myself sometimes...did I learn anything from my experience abroad? Have I truly grown as a person? On the whole, I think yes. But some days I really do wonder.
Butterfly
I don't remember writing all of this.
-----
Once upon a time
A girl became a woman,
Drifting through time, culture and space
Finding who she was by experiencing what she was not.
Then she returned to her home land
Everything has changed
Many have left
And a glittering new firefly appeared.
Don't chase it though
It can't appreciate you.
-----
Once upon a time
A girl became a woman,
Drifting through time, culture and space
Finding who she was by experiencing what she was not.
Then she returned to her home land
Everything has changed
Many have left
And a glittering new firefly appeared.
Don't chase it though
It can't appreciate you.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Keep Your Word
If you say you are going to call me back later....please do it. It's just plain rude not to.
That's all.
That's all.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
August = bad weather in California
I had a great time at home but the last couple of days have been pretty blah around here. Last night it even rained. I suppose reading a book about a man in the camps who is separated from his family doesn't help with the intense feeling of alone-ness I've been feeling of late.
I met someone and I sort of think he is amazing but lately I feel like he's been avoiding me. I think I said some things that made him back up, which hurts because I trusted him enough to tell him in the first place. This makes for sad Katies. I don't have too much time to worry about all that though because life doesn't stop to throw me pity parties. Work is crazy - we have Street Fair on Sat and Sun and next week is the NCI closing luncheon. Intern day is a crazy-long 9-to-6 tomorrow as well. Friends are starting to trickle back into town for the fall as well and I am so happy about that.
Anyway, I was talking with a friend I went to Italy with and she's going to Japan next week. I've been wanting to go to Japan for the past few months and I have decided I am going to try and make that trip possible. I want to go right after graduation - before I have to start paying back loans. I think May is a little late for the cherry blossoms, but I am hoping it is still nice then. I don't know where to go in Japan so I guess I should invest in a book to figure it all out.
Now that I've been all over Europe, I am not as apprehensive about going to a country where I don't speak the language or know the customs. I don't know if I want to go see family there or not. I know my baachan's entire family is still in Japan but other than that I don't know much about my relatives there. I should ask my dad about it. Perhaps if some of the younger ones speak english we can start exchanging emails or something. I sort of wish I had the opportunity to do an exchange program in high school. Now, it looks like I will be relying on friends and self-education to navigate the "fatherland". Anyone want to join me on this trip?
I met someone and I sort of think he is amazing but lately I feel like he's been avoiding me. I think I said some things that made him back up, which hurts because I trusted him enough to tell him in the first place. This makes for sad Katies. I don't have too much time to worry about all that though because life doesn't stop to throw me pity parties. Work is crazy - we have Street Fair on Sat and Sun and next week is the NCI closing luncheon. Intern day is a crazy-long 9-to-6 tomorrow as well. Friends are starting to trickle back into town for the fall as well and I am so happy about that.
Anyway, I was talking with a friend I went to Italy with and she's going to Japan next week. I've been wanting to go to Japan for the past few months and I have decided I am going to try and make that trip possible. I want to go right after graduation - before I have to start paying back loans. I think May is a little late for the cherry blossoms, but I am hoping it is still nice then. I don't know where to go in Japan so I guess I should invest in a book to figure it all out.
Now that I've been all over Europe, I am not as apprehensive about going to a country where I don't speak the language or know the customs. I don't know if I want to go see family there or not. I know my baachan's entire family is still in Japan but other than that I don't know much about my relatives there. I should ask my dad about it. Perhaps if some of the younger ones speak english we can start exchanging emails or something. I sort of wish I had the opportunity to do an exchange program in high school. Now, it looks like I will be relying on friends and self-education to navigate the "fatherland". Anyone want to join me on this trip?
Sunday, August 3, 2008
It's Sunday Night
And I'm blasting all the music I can sing/yell along to!
I don't wanna go to work...because...not because I don't like it. It's not bad work. I just want some more time to not be a "productive" member of American society.
I want one more day to spend at home with my family.
I want one less day of BART/MUNI/AC Transit rides.
I want one more day of fun times with roommates and other close friends.
I want one less day of not having the energy to cook (this really depresses me sometimes).
I want one more day of reading the books I just bought.
I want one less day of fog.
I think, in short, I want one more day of living in my home/college/kid dream bubble.
It was a great weekend though...obon was so much fun and I can't wait to get a hold of some of those odori songs...hahahaha.
I don't wanna go to work...because...not because I don't like it. It's not bad work. I just want some more time to not be a "productive" member of American society.
I want one more day to spend at home with my family.
I want one less day of BART/MUNI/AC Transit rides.
I want one more day of fun times with roommates and other close friends.
I want one less day of not having the energy to cook (this really depresses me sometimes).
I want one more day of reading the books I just bought.
I want one less day of fog.
I think, in short, I want one more day of living in my home/college/kid dream bubble.
It was a great weekend though...obon was so much fun and I can't wait to get a hold of some of those odori songs...hahahaha.
Friday, August 1, 2008
The Maine
Rachel thought I'd like this band called The Maine and while they wear ugly clothes they're not horrible. This is from the song "If I Only Had The Heart":
I know I sound repetitive,
Cause I'm repeating myself,
And I'm competitive,
I want you all by yourself.
And that alone is just the problem,
I've got these woes,
And I just can't solve them.
If I could gather up the nerve,
I'd put my feelings into words,
And if I weren't so young, or stupid, or restless,
I might be able to just soon forget this.
I know I sound repetitive,
Cause I'm repeating myself,
And I'm competitive,
I want you all by yourself.
And that alone is just the problem,
I've got these woes,
And I just can't solve them.
If I could gather up the nerve,
I'd put my feelings into words,
And if I weren't so young, or stupid, or restless,
I might be able to just soon forget this.
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