I had to take a shower just to loosen up my lungs and feel like a normal person again. It's very troubling that this can still happen to me...it has been a very long time since this type of thing has happened. Things continue to lurk in the shadows and burst through into my subconsciousness, and I don't know what to make of it. I want to scream "Leave me alone!" but the more I want to the more I wonder why I can't just let go of it. What's making me want this?
A part of me still thinks that the things I dream of might happen. That one day people will miraculously be kind, understanding, and willing to truly act like they care. To my (maybe) desperate core, I NEED to believe these things because it's getting to be unbearably lonely otherwise.
I hate waking up and knowing that my reality is so irreconcilable to what I've dreamt, so utterly disappointing and bitter that it's all I can do not cry. Because I know that my psyche is both telling me that I can't have it and at the same time making it feel so possible...
In my particularly stressed, sickly, and sleep-deprived state all of this has made me especially disturbed by the whole thing. I still think that most parts of life a pretty great. Just...not this part.
No comments:
Post a Comment